Purity Culture

Purity Culture
I’m finding this to be a thread in work I am doing with clients and new clients who are reaching out to me with concerns. Sexual issues related to their experiences in purity culture. Purity culture can manifest in different flavors and institutions and the one I am most familiar with is entangled with the evangelical, christian church. 

Gendered language
I just want to acknowledge that this post is full of gendered language and it’s simply because this is how purity culture is represented and experienced. There is no room for other genders in these communities, it is completely gendered and has different and similar impacts on each gender. I do not know enough yet about the trans experience in purity culture and would love to know more. I am very much open to feedback on ways I could present it in a way that does not perpetuate the gendered language and remains accurate to the purity culture experience. 

Teachings & Impact 
There is a broad spectrum of common teachings in purity culture and some communities highlight some more than others or more intensely than others. Lots of factors determine how much one is impacted by purity culture. It can depend on where you attend and therefore what is taught and how it is taught, your temperament, how your caregivers interacted with the beliefs, your relationship with the faith leaders, how much you were bought in to the beliefs, the amount of exposure you had to alternative ideas, your connection to other peers in the community. 

Unique impact on women 
Girls are taught that their behavior drives boys behavior and therefore are responsible. This is typically heavily emphasized in cautioning girls in what they wear, because it’s a “temptation, distraction, stirs up lust and/or sinful.” There are similarly based teachings when it comes to teachings about marriage; essentially, “make sure you are sexually pleasing your man so that he does not have an affair." In extreme examples, girls are taught not to question sexual abuse by a male figure because it was her fault anyway. This hyperresponsiblity placed on women feeds into similar religious teachings that drive people pleasing and perfectionism behaviors in women. 

Cycle
It becomes a cycle that feeds itself because the female gender is conditioned to please and therefore wants to do purity culture “right” and internalizes the pressure to make it happen. She strives to make sure she does not show cleavage, her shorts are long enough,  she doesn’t go “too far” with a boy, although there is never a clear line about what “too far” is and so it all feels grey, murky, confusing and overwhelming. She is left feeling like she has to know more, do more, work harder, try better and essentially, not enough. 

The male gender
The male gender is presented as though they have no control or agency and therefore the female gender must have their back and essentially hold up the “purity” in the relationship. This has been such a disservice to both genders. It paints an unfair picture of a man’s ability, capability and integrity. So you have a generation of boys growing up believing their sexuality is scary, daunting, to be controlled, bad and that they need to learn ridiculous techniques to stop them from masturbating. 

Accurate sexual information 
In purity culture, accurate sexual information is not presented and therefore the adolescents become adults without an understanding of sex and how it works. Keep in mind, my generation and before did not have access to the internet like it is today with Google and AI’s capacity, just porn, so the sources of helpful, accurate sexual information was limited to non-existent. This means you are left with women who do not know their anatomy, what it looks like, how it functions and what feels pleasurable. They may not know about lubricant, how to achieve an orgasm during sex or very importantly, that they can say no to something they don’t like or want and also yes to something they enjoy or are curious about. 

Relationship to body 
This contributes to women having a relationship with their body that could be described as distant and/or full of disdain or shame. A girl may experience her body, pleasure and/or sexual desire as, “bad,” and therefore has limited access to these parts of herself in adulthood. They may still see themselves as just a sexual object, not the sexual subject, in sexual acts; just there to please someone else, not to experience her own pleasure.

Tell me you grew up in purity culture without telling me you grew up in purity culture 
One of my bridesmaids surprised me with lubricant on my wedding day, something that was an absolute game changer that never once occurred to me to purchase
The first time I allowed myself to show cleavage in public felt very irresponsible 
I did not kiss my husband until our wedding day
My bikini wearing was a hot topic for other’s debate and discussion
*I came to purity culture in later high school years so I have a different experience in all that I also experienced before purity culture and 

This post shows me there is SO much more to write about so no doubt, another one will be in the future.