Maternal Instinct & Education

I recently read “The Good Mother Myth” by Nancy Reddy. The author reflects on their early motherhood journey, shares research on the attachment researchers and thoughts on current parenting advice culture. 

In it, she discusses how love does not necessarily come naturally as a parent, nor does “maternal instinct,” that becoming a mother may not be at birth and instead in those moments when others around you help you learn how to become a mother. 

Here’s the line that has stuck with me the most: “This is a throughline from Spock to today’s parenting gurus: they’re warm and encouraging, but you often feel just a little more on edge after you watch their latest video, a little more unsure of your parenting and, not coincidentally, more likely to open your wallet to pay for more guidance so you can finally do it right.” 

I’ve been reflecting on if that describes my experience in the world of parenting advice, courses, books, online communities. I don’t know if I would say I would feel on edge after watching the latest video, but possibly, because what I would say is I always felt like I needed more, had never done enough, had to watch the next workshop, listen to the latest episode.

There’s this conversation about “maternal instinct,” in this book, and Dr. Becky’s recent podcast episode, about how potentially that narrative creates shame in moms, this sense of “why is this so hard, what’s wrong with me, what am I missing.” Essentially if this is supposed to all come naturally why do we feel like we don’t know what we are doing most of the time, question ourselves and have so much doubt about how to best support our kids in whatever the latest parenting challenge may be. 

I can relate to the shame of mom life and wondering what am I doing wrong, what am I missing, why is this so hard; but I would say for different reasons than the “maternal instinct” narrative. I would say mine has actually been more connected to, shouldn’t this be easier because I have invested a lot of time, energy and money into the parenting workshops, books, communities, etc? 

I have met with moms who have also invested a lot in the parenting world and I would say the hard remains the same in parenting; potty learning, meals, tantrums, sleep, the hard things remain the hard things. Even with the advice, experts, ideas; we can’t control what our kids eat, how they sleep, when, where and how they meltdown and I think quietly behind all of the consuming of the parenting content is this hope that we can figure out a way to control these things. 

• How can I help my kid sleep alone in their room throughout the night? 

• How can I help my kid try new foods? 

• How can I help my kid learn to regulate their difficult emotions? 

• How can I help my kid learn to shit in the potty instead of their underwear? 

And my experience has just been, none of these are guarantees, even when we check off all the boxes of what was recommended by the experts.

So, when this happens, is what I find crucial to the conversation, how do we interpret the results? I did what the experts recommended and my kid still won’t sleep alone, lives on pasta, has meltdowns every 5 minutes and prefers peeing in their underwear… 

Do we interpret this as-

• I did something wrong in the expert’s protocol, let me study it some more

• There’s something wrong with me 

• There’s something wrong with my kid

• This didn’t work for my kid, maybe there’s another way 

And truly, how can we know? Do we then need more expert advice? To spend more money on personalized support? 

Did it not work because my kid has a sensory issue I am unaware of? Or my kid is just not ready? Is the expectation I have is not realistic? If I stayed with it two more weeks, would that make the difference? 

Then we can get back on the research train, consuming more parenting content, the next workshop to find more answers, and this has been my experience in the never ending cycle of trying to “solve” the next parenting challenge. 

I know parenting has not come naturally for me, that it does not feel like “maternal instinct.” I have learned a lot about kids development which has been beneficial in my connection to my kids and on focusing on my job and what I can control, but at the end of the day, when you want to help your kid learn how to use the potty, you want to help your kid learn how to use the potty. And when the results don’t come - if it has been presented in a way that makes it “clear, easy, simple” and it doesn’t end up being that way- what does that mean? 

I don’t have answers, advice, recommendations; just observations on what it’s been like to parent in 2025. 

Hugs to you mamas, it’s hard and I get it. 

DBT Cope Ahead for Parents

Cope Ahead
Let’s problem solve together today by finding an area of parenting that is causing you stress. We’ll work to identify a plan to shift things to help your emotion regulation.

Cope ahead is a skill from dialectical behavioral therapy. I like the cope ahead idea because it reminds us of the agency that we do have, especially because so often parenting in the moment can feel out of control. We can feel confused, helpless and unsure. This skill reminds us that we can take a setback, intentionally reflect, and make changes that help the family system function more effectively.

Pick an Area
Start by picking which one you want to focus on-

Feeding
Dressing
Playing
Car rides
Bathing
Screens
Sleeping

Let’s normalize that likely all of these are causing us stress to some degree. We are not alone in this. All of them involve asking our kids to do things they do not want to do, so naturally, typically not fun for anyone involved.

Identify the trigger
What is it about this area that has been triggered you lately?

Let me share a personal example from the past. In the past, we would give our kids our bars in the car as a snack. This went on for a long time and eventually, I noticed I was getting irritated with them asking for a bar during every trip. After a while of this, I finally acknowledged and accepted the irritation and knew I had choice in how to proceed.

Decide on the new boundary
I realized I could set a boundary or expectation about bars in the car. It was not fair that an expectation had been set, (bars in the car), and then I was getting resentful in them choosing it. So I needed to change what was offered. I decided to no longer allow bars in the car and instead they would only be offered their water bottles.

You are the leader of your home. You get to decide what is ok and what is not ok. Your child does not decide this. Your child can have input, give you feedback, and that can be taken seriously, but that does not mean your decision needs to change. As Dr. Becky Kenned says, your job as the parent is boundaries, your kids job is expressing their feelings about the boundaries and then your job is to validate those feelings, while holding your boundary.

Prepare for the upfront discomfort
I knew I would just need to work through the initial disappointment and pushback from my kids. If I was willing to deal with the upfront discomfort, I could eventually no longer have to deal with the original trigger.

Remind yourself to expect your child to be disappointed, it’s their job, and therefore it’s ok and you can handle it. That both can be true; your new boundary and your child’s difficult feelings.

Make the change
So outside of the moment, I shared with my girls that there would no longer be bars in the car. I let them know I would make sure they were always offered a snack before we were getting in the car and that they could have their water bottles with them in the car. I acknowledged it may be difficult and I knew we’d get through it together.

Of course, don’t make the change on your hardest day. Do it outside of the frustration, and if possible, during a time when you feel regulated and have capacity to hold your child’s frustration.

Celebrate being the bad ass mom you are
And just like that, there were no more bars in the car. Car rides became much less stressful for me, at least in that regard. Score!

Next time you are in the triggering situation, after your change is put in place, take a moment to savor the fact that you made it happen! You reflected, decided and acted. You did this as an act of care for yourself and your children by increasing the cohesiveness of your family’s functioning and dynamics. \

Reflect and adjust the boundary as needed
Overtime, I’ve continued to adjust expectations and boundaries in car rides as things have all been changed. Things like boundaries about books and toys in the car, as an additional example.

You are always allowed to change our mind. Our kids developlemental abilities change, our capacities, triggers, time, energy, etc and all of these play into boundaries we choose and change. The boundary you decide on today, does not need to be the boundary that is in place 3 months from now.

Cope Ahead
Cope Ahead can be used in all of our life areas. We can use it to prepare for work, romantic relationship, family of origin, friendship triggers and all others.

You got this!

Grounding & Action

I am starting this walking and talking outside. I looked to the right and saw this beautiful tall plant with white flowers and let myself enjoy it. I later noticed some rushing water and enjoyed the noise that has always been one to calm my spirit. No wonder, it’s one of the four elements; water, fire, earth and air.

What element is quite calming to your nervous system?

Here are some ideas for the different elements:
Fire: have a bonfire, light a candle, cook with gas stovetop
Water: Enjoy a bath, drink ice water, sit near a body of water
Earth: Place feet or hands in the ground, plant something, sit under a tree
Air: feeling the breeze on your skin, place a fan towards your face, watch a candle flame flicker

You can get creative with ways to combine them and take a moment to notice and savor each element.
If inside: Sit with a candle and your ice water, by an indoor plant with a fan blowing on your skin
If outside: Sit by a body of water, with hands on the ground, feel the breeze and heat of the sun as fire

I can’t imagine how discussing ways to ground with the elements is important in 2025. ;)

I heard about Cory Booker‘s 24 hours plus filibuster and was inspired by him focusing on an action he could take to get into as he quoted John Lewis, “good trouble."

In this time, it is tempting for our nervous systems to go into despair, fear, flight, fight, freeze. This will happen at times, and frankly it should based on events that are happening in our community and world. So let’s normalize these responses from our body and then focus on how we can care for our body through soothing & safety gestures.

Once regulated, we can wonder, what can we do to get into “good trouble?”

First reflecting on ourselves. What would it look like to advocate for yourself? How can you take up more space by asking for a need, expressing a desire or want. What would that be for you today? Also, can you accept that most of the time if we are getting a need met, someone is inconvenienced, and that is also okay. As I reflect on this question, I think taking up more space would look like deciding on a morning routine and asking for what I need to help make it happen for myself. I see a correlation between how I am caring for myself and how effectively I can care for others. For a woman, getting into “good trouble” often does tie to causing some disturbance because we dared to have a want, need, desire, goal, boundary that inconveniences someone else. As John Lewis also says, “find a way to get in the way.”

Next let’s reflect on our family unit. How can you, with your family, learn more about and engage in helping those with marginalized identities? This could mean visiting the library to find books on certain topics, hosting a yard sale to donate the funds or investing time in relationship with a local family. For myself, this is a reminder of my goal to host a local block party this summer to meet neighbors and start building relationships. This prompts me to figure out my first step to get the ball rolling and commit to making it happen the first weekend in June. I know more can happen in relationship, and that life satisfaction is highly dependent on the quality of our relationships, which is why this feels like an important goal to me. If you are interested in hosting a block party, this site has great resources.

Lastly, let’s reflect on our community. What is your community already up to you to support marginalized individuals and how would you like to play a role? I recently attended the Leadership Akron Institute and a presenter had us reflect on our “time, talent, treasure and ties” regarding how we could support local causes. Our capacities change in life seasons so we can decide what makes the most sense with our current life responsibilities. I’ll highlight how I am focusing on my “tithes,” specifically with how I choose to spend my money. This is aligned with “conscious consumption,” the chapter from Britt Hawthorne’s book, “Raising Antiracist Children.” My main goals are to buy almost all used items, nothing from Amazon, produce from a local orchard’s market, replace disposable products with sustainable as I run out and to intentionally make purchases from shops owned by people from the global majority.

So, 2025 moms. Let’s notice when our body is frazzled and start soothing, maybe with something from the elements. Then reflect on these areas to take some actions aligned with our values.

You are a bad ass. Your kids see that. They are little bad assess too, and sometimes just assess. ;)