“Mama, don’t go!”

Dreaded drop off 
If your child has separation anxiety, you know how excruciating that can feel as a caregiver. It spikes your anxiety, you dread drop offs and worry about how they are doing when you are not present. You likely anticipate the goodbyes much before it’s happening and rack your brain for ways to support your child. Of course, you want to do anything you can to help your kid navigate these difficult feelings and help them feel empowered in the transition. 

Can’t control feelings
There are two reminders I want to share before we jump into some ideas to try. One is we can not control our kids feelings, although sometimes we’d like to. We’d like to do the “right thing” to get them to “feel ok” with saying goodbye. The truth is, we can do “all the things” and some kids will still struggle with goodbyes. And that leads me to the second reminder. 

Nothing wrong with you 
If your kid has separation anxiety, that does not mean there is something wrong with you as a parent. Sometimes attachment studies are cited by experts and it leaves parents feeling full of pressure in their performance and also over analyzing their kids actions as mirrors of their own attachment efforts. Having a hard time with separation is a healthy part of development. 

Something wrong with my kid? 
I hear you asking, but what if something is “wrong with my kid?” Like they need additional support? Have sensory issues? Could there be an issue with where I am dropping them off? Maybe they just need more time at home? These aren’t questions I can answer and you may not have answers to yet either. I understand the difficulty between navigating what is our anxious part speaking and what is our intuition. But even starting by reflecting on that question can be helpful, “do these concerns feel connected to my anxious part of my intuitive part?”

Ok, let’s get into some ideas to try to help you and your kid with separation anxiety. 

Information giving 
Share a play by play with your kid about what the drop off will look like. What will happen before? During? After? Who will likely be there? What will you say and do as a goodbye ritual? 

Model with toys
Use toys, or any items nearby, to act out what the drop off will look like, step by step, including when parent comes back. 

Practice the goodbye
Invite your kid to practice the goodbye ritual together. You could act out being the kid and they the parent as well. 

Mantra
Consider a mantra like “mama always comes back,” similar to Daniel Tiger’s “grownups come back.” Consider using the song as a resource. 

Transitional Object
If the drop off location allows, offer for your kid to bring a comfort or safety item with them. A stuffy, blankie, doll, book, picture of you two together. If you use a picture, write a message or the mantra on the back with a sharpie and a pro tip from Dr. Becky Kennedy, is to wrap it in packing tape for lamination. 

Hand kid to teacher at door 
Consider not entering the classroom and instead hand your child directly to the teacher. Sometimes the child’s anxiety about mom leaving just gets higher and higher as a mom is lingering in the classroom. And instead, a clear, swift, warm goodbye helps a child adjust and understand what is happening. 

In the classroom goodbyes 
If you do enter the classroom and your child is clinging to you, I recommend instead of asking the teacher to grab the child off your body, move your child from your body to the teachers. This can communicate to your child that you are comfortable with this transition and believe this is a good thing for both of you. I also would consider avoiding the “slipping out of the room without saying goodbye,” method. For some kids, this will just escalate when they realize you are gone and it is not giving them a clear understanding of what to expect. No shade if you’ve done these in the past or continue to, just throwing out some thoughts! There is no one right way in parenting. 

Embody confidence that this is good for you both
I know you are laughing at this one, like yea, ok. “The last thing I feel is confidence, April.” I get it. I remember when one of my kids really struggled with drop offs and I’d feel so much anticipatory anxiety. The confidence may feel fake and foreign, but as much as you can, remind yourself the separation is good for you both, you have left your child in good hands and you have helped support your kid to be resilient through the difficult feelings. 

You got this mama!