I just don’t want sex

I just don’t want sex 
This is a common refrain I’ve heard from women. I’ve been there myself. You’re surrounded by undone tasks, your mind is going a mile a minute, you don’t feel sexy and maybe there’s underlying resentments with your partner so any desire for sex feels as foreign as your home being quiet and clean. 

So many directions 
There are so many directions to go with this. And first I want to add that, there also does not have to be a direction to take.. Time may help as life seasons shift and change. It’s not always the time to fix all the things.

Tell me about the sex you don’t want to be having 
I once heard Esther Perel quote another couples therapist who would say something to the effect of, “well, tell me about this sex you don’t want to be having.” I find this validating because it’s a reminder that there is nothing wrong with you if desire and interest has faded and maybe it just simply makes sense that the sex you don’t want, is the sex you don’t want and maybe, additionally, there’s a picture of what you do want. 

Factors to consider 
When reflecting on our desire for sex; some things to keep in mind are:
Is there pain? If so, this needs to be addressed first by consulting with our DR and pelvic floor therapy may be a helpful resource 
Am I experiencing hormonal changes due to menopause, medication change?
Do I feel safe with my partner? 
Are there past memories getting in the way of pleasure? (childhood trauma, purity culture teachings, past sexual experiences) 
Am I questioning my sexual orientation? (this comes up at times with those I work with from a religious upbringing where that was not a safe option) 

Ok, those factors aside; other ideas below.

Ask yourself the question, “what turns me on?”
What lights you up, gets you excited, brings you to life? This is our responsibility, not our partner’s. As women, due to conditioning that discourages sexual exploration and encourages us just being the sexual object, taking our sexuality into our own hand can feel uncomfortable and like we’re doing something wrong. But, it can be empowering to give ourselves permission to make ourselves the subject and prioritize our own pleasure. So, “what turns you on?” Is it dancing, painting, running, cuddling, laughing, singing? How can you bring more of this into your life, your relationship? 

How is your connection with your partner? 
Is this part of the problem for you? If so, what is the problem that’s causing you to feel disconnected? Is your partner not touching you outside of when they want to have intercourse? Are they not noticing needs around the home and acting on them? Are they distant when you are together, distracted, on their phone? Are they not keeping up with their hygiene and it is a turn off? Are there fundamental changes in your value systems and you see them differently? All of these, and many more, will impact the sexual dynamics. Of course, couples therapy is a great resource if dialogue about these issues is not an option or received well. I recommend bringing up couples therapy as an idea not when in conflict, but when it’s a calm moment between the two of you. 

Sensate Focus 
This is a practice where you slowly enjoy touching one another, building up to touch of the genitals and breast. There is no expectation of orgasm, intercourse and that is not the goal. The time is to practice mindful touch, being present to the sensations with no pressure to “perform,” be aroused or have intercourse. Enthusiastic consent and open communication along with way is also an important part of the process which deepens the connection between the partners. Consider using feathers, massage candles, flavored oils, lotions. 

Desire
The book “Come as you are” talks about “responsive vs. spontaneous desire.” Spontaneous desire is described as out of nowhere, no external stimulus needed for desire to appear. The author discusses how most women have responsive desire, meaning desire appears and increases with a stimulus; touch, flirting, images, scents. This is helpful information because we can use it to our advantage! Asking ourselves the question, “what is the external stimuli that does increase my desire?” Is it when my partner wears a certain shirt, I wear a particular bra or perfume, a certain song, kisses on a body part, dancing together, seeing my partner confidently do something, when they talk in an accent? And also, it let’s us know we can engage sensually with our partner, without a promise of sex, but knowing our desire may increase as we open the door to engaging with our partner. We don’t have to start with the desire, it may come along the way. 

Further Resources 
Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin 
Relationship therapist Esther Perel 
Come as you are by Emily Nagoski