To my new mom self, crying alone on the kitchen floor

To my new mom self, crying alone on the kitchen floor
-It makes sense
-Stop breastfeeding and pumping 
-You have postpartum anxiety and depression 
-It gets better 
PS. There’s nothing wrong with you 

It makes sense
Of course this is hard as shit. You have never been a mom before. No one taught you how to mom. You can read all the books and it does not come close to embodying motherhood. You’re sore. Your emotions and hormones are shifting all over. Your baby is crying all the time. Your sleep is poor. Your closest friend's baby is very different from yours, she is content, a good sleeper and not colic-y. You know comparing them is not helpful to anyone, but you have so few reference points in this foreign land of newborns and expectations, you’re just looking for some guidance, clarity, familiarity. your baby’s “performance” has nothing to do with you, you can do all the things and still have a baby that cries a ton and sleeps poorly. 

Your marriage has never been stretched like this before. You’ve never had this many tasks on your radar to navigate between the two of you. You’re wired differently and are learning how to communicate and understand each other in a whole new way, when really, you just want him to be more like you. You see all the pump parts, bottles, dishes in the sink and want to scream.

You are alone, in the kitchen, crying, balled up in the corner, because you feel completely overwhelmed with all of the chaos around you. And you are just wondering, “What am I missing? What have I not figured out? Why is this SO hard? What is wrong with me?” 

When your newborn is 2 weeks old, you’ll take her to your favorite restaurant with your husband. Two tables down from you will be two moms with newborn babies also. These moms are dressed nicely, wearing makeup, jewelry and look so incredibly put together… and perhaps even more impressively, they look so relaxed. You have not experienced a thread of relaxation since becoming a mom, your body is essentially just on edge waiting for the next cry, need, feeding; fearing the next cry that you don’t know how to fix. Just like you cried on the kitchen floor, you’ll cry at this table, as you feel so incredibly far from a mom who knows what the hell she is “supposed” to do in motherhood.

-Stop breastfeeding and pumping 
Moms are not better if they breastfeed or pump. Babies have some benefits from breastmilk.. But in my kids’ case, at what cost? As Dr. Becky has said, breastmilk full of cortisol? Man, are you holding yourself to the “breast is best” standard and if there’s anything a recovering perfectionist is going to do, especially if it’s for their kid, it’s going to be to try for the best. It does not matter why you are not jiving with the breastfeeding and pumping; where it is the time it takes, the frequency of it, the regularity, the feeling even more restricted, the stress of “performing and producing,” the body sensations, it just is not meshing well with your mental health. You can stop, now, and there’s no need for guilt, because guilt is only valid when we’re doing something against our values. And caring for your mental health is aligned with your values. Speaking of mental health… 

-You have postpartum anxiety and depression 
You don’t see it, but you have postpartum anxiety and depression symptoms. You know you are struggling, you’ve scheduled a couple of therapy sessions and at your 6 week OB check up you mention your struggles. But your doctor says she only likes to give medication to moms who are unable to function, that was not you, so you felt like you just had to figure out how to get through it. Not the case. You needed more support, therapy, medication, a mom’s group. You were struggling beyond typical postpartum, how could you know though? This was your first time, you had nothing to compare it to and you know it’s supposed to be hard, so how do you know when it’s crossed over into postpartum anxiety and depression? Oh my love, it was such a struggle. 

-It gets better 
Lastly, truly, it gets better. You get more supports; more help from family, individual therapy, couples therapy, medication, more mom friends who have deeply feeling kids. You get more experience building your parenting muscle, trusting yourself, identifying your values as a parent and living from those. You can’t see it now, but one day, it will be a very long time since you’ve crouched on the kitchen floor and cried alone. 

Ps. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are a conscientious, caring parent, willing to repair and those are the parents who are doing best by their kids. As Dr. Becky says; good parenting does not always lead to good behavior. Stay the course my love. <3