My personal journey with EMDR

My personal journey with EMDR 
First, off the bat, EMDR is not for everyone and does not help everyone. I just want to share about my experience with it and how it has interacted with my mental health symptoms. 

EMDR as a newlywed
I met a new therapist over 10 years ago and when I shared why I was seeking therapy, she was like, “you came in ready to go and I recommend EMDR therapy.” At the time, I was in grad school and was familiar with EMDR, but from my training, really only in the context of it being used internationally with survivors of tragic circumstances. So, I remember a part of me thought, damn, my shit must be pretty bad. And also, a part of me felt like, but it can’t be, right, do I actually deserve such attention and to be taken so seriously, believed and treated accordingly? I googled it, learned a little and we started the following week. It felt different, which felt uncomfortable and also exciting. Mostly, it felt like it was helping. I still remember the target memory we were working on, I worked with this therapist weekly for a while, then as needed and a handful of times soon after I became a mom. 

When she said, “I just felt like I needed to ask”
I remember in one of our sessions, she asked me what I was noticing (part of the EMDR protocol) and after I finished sharing, she asked, “what are you feeling?” I shared, it led to an emotional response, and she said, “I just felt like I needed to ask that,” to me, it was an example of a therapist following their intuition, gazing inward and not just outward, reflecting in the moment with intention, being attuned to the client. It’s always stuck with me as something I strive for in my work as a therapist. 

Internal Family Systems
Last Spring I was a client in IFS weekly for almost four months because I got very interested in the modality and wanted to learn more by experiencing it myself. I found it quite helpful in practicing making space to listen to my internal world, come up with names for different parts of me and build relationships with them. I did many hours of training in the model as well and love using it in my professional work. I used SO many of her tissues, truly, I should have paid her extra or brought my own. 

EMDR Round Two 
I then decided to engage EMDR again, new season of life and a new state so that meant a new provider. I had been debating about what my future with EMDR would be professionally as far as going for certification or not and thought being a client again would help give me some direction. I hit the therapist jackpot. So skilled in EMDR, parts work and most importantly, very attuned to me and willing to go where I needed to go, no matter what the topic, emotion, thought, fear; she was right there, down for it all. She helped me feel safe, safe in my body and safe with her; what I needed more than anything. 

I had felt beyond repair 
To be very transparent, before starting EMDR with her, I had times when I felt I was beyond repair. Yes, as a therapist. I felt like there were times when my emotions felt too overwhelming and overpowering and there was just no way out of them. I did not at the time understand that I had CPTSD, the complexity of my childhood trauma and how pervasive it was in leaving me with this sense of “I can’t.” 

Weekly EMDR for just over a year
I met with her every week for just over a year and I can confidently say that the whole “beyond repair” is long gone. I am different. I relate to my emotions differently. I feel more comfortable in my skin. I used to always have anxiety and dread before social situations and now our social calendar is quite full and the sense of “having to prove myself” is just a whisper and instead I try to stay attuned to myself and notice and engage the people around me. I feel more aligned in seeing myself as the capable adult I am, instead of feeling like a child with little resources. I will now see her as needed, as life shifts and things get hard again, but that year of foundational work has been pivotal for me, personally and professionally. 

Not just EMDR
I have to clarify that EMDR is not the only tool I have added; my supports have also included starting a medication, couples therapy and regular time investing in friendship and community relationships that matter to me. All of these combined have shifted me in ways I once did not think was possible. 

If you feel beyond repair, I 100% get it. I’ve been there and you don’t have to stay there. <3