Purity Culture Part 2

Purity Culture Part 2
I previously wrote a post on purity culture and it reminded me how much there is to share about it. Like spiritual trauma, it sneaks its way into so many facets of our life, not just our sexuality. Just like in the other post, forgive any gendered or limited language, it’s used in a way that purity culture is taught and I am open to feedback on how to talk about it in a more gender inclusive way. 

Masturbation 
In purity culture, it’s expected that you do not masturbate and if you do, it’s sinful and something to be fought against. Exploring our bodies and pleasure is a normal part of development and purity culture just coats it with mountains of shame. Remember, this is being taught to kids, whose brains are still forming and they are constantly looking for ways to make sense of the world, a vulnerable stage. 

My experience as a “sexual addiction” client 
When I entered purity culture in later adolescence and young adult years, I thought there was something clinically wrong with me because of porn and masturbation habits. I was even a client in a christian counseling clinic for sexual issues. I never had an adult in my life talk to me about porn, educate me (outside of purity culture teachings) and so I was lost in my own world trying to make sense of my sexuality.

One way
In this world, there is one way. No porn, no masturbation, no sex before marriage. It’s all prescribed, already decided, one size fits all and let’s be real, rarely attainable, if attainable, for the majority of people. If you go out of that norm, it’s bad, sinful and therefore internalized as such. Instead of equipping people to decide their values and make choices accordingly, the values are dictated to you. All the while, any alternative ideas or outside information is discouraged or condemned. You’re left with people who are unable to gather information, make decisions and trust in their own intuition.  

Neurons that fire together, wire together (Sex + Shame) 
In purity culture, our brains connect shame and sex and this can become a neural link in the brain. Because our sexuality so often triggers shame, these related neurons fire together and then begin wiring together. They form a relationship in the brain, so when sex comes up, so does our shame. 

Sex is to be feared
In purity culture, sex is a scary, daunting, to be avoided, bad act UNTIL you’re married and then it’s supposed to be amazing, pleasurable and good. I’ve heard from so many how it didn’t just flip like this for them, that after marriage, it still felt bad, like they were doing something wrong. Talk about a way to turn off sexual desire. 

When sex is seen as bad
You create a culture of secrecy around sex when it is seen as bad. Sex becomes taboo, silent, hidden. This lends itself to confused adolescents, concerned parents and spiritual leaders keeping their questions, worries, doubts, issues and struggles to themselves. They are left alone, unsure, feeling bad about themselves. This dynamic contributes to the spiritual leaders you hear of crossing lines and abusing their power sexually. 

Absolutely no room for queer 
There is no space for anyone to be gay or trans. It’s most often just not even mentioned as a possibility, just never discussed. In some communities, it is explicitly condemned and talked about in shaming, going to hell language. This language and these teachings last for decades. Even after someone has come out, this fear of hell can still be stuck in part of their bodies, even if their mind knows it can’t be true. I’ve seen this dynamic in my work, it’s heartbreaking, and also so important to be acknowledged, validated and worked through when someone is ready.  

Narrative that men are sexual and women are just.. there
It is presented, whether directly or indirectly, in purity culture that men are sexual and women are just… there, willing but not really into it. This is such a disservice to both genders. It leaves men feeling as though their sexuality is too big, or if their desire is low that something is wrong with them. It leaves women feeling weird if they have more frequent sexual desire, timid about expressing her desires and also like her role is to just participate, not explore and express her sexual wishes. 

Couples unable to talk about sex 
The result is couples that do not have skills to have conversations about sex. They grew up with inaccurate narratives about themselves, sexuality and their relational roles. So they either avoid talking about sex or talk about it with unhelpful ideas. If one of them starts to access new information and ideas, this can be a major relationship shift depending on how the other partner responds.

Lastly, Tell me you were a part of purity culture without telling me you were a part of purity culture 
Duct tape, crumpled up dollar bills and chewing gum