Parent’s Job
Parent’s Job
According to Dr. Becky Kennedy, our job as caregivers is BOUNDARIES & VALIDATION.
Boundaries
What is a boundary? Something I tell my child I am going to do & does not require anything from them
Not a boundary - “Stop rubbing your toothbrush on the carpet” (This is a request)
A boundary- “I can’t let you rub your toothbrush on the carpet, while walking over and grabbing toothbrush”
It is of course ok to make requests, as long as we remember our child may or may not comply.
Boundaries are different than requests because they require nothing of our child.
This can look like using “I won’t let you” or “I can’t let you,” while intervening to stop the behavior. This means if our child is hitting, blocking their hands or, picking up one of the kids, as calmly as able
Challenging Behavior
If our kid is engaging in a challenging behavior, like hitting, it’s because they do not yet have the coping skills to manage the amount of distress in their body and so we can step in to help them in that moment.
And then, out of the moment, we can work on increasing their tolerance and options on how to manage the distress instead of hitting.
Difficult behavior = dysregulation
Our kid is not a bad kid, just a great kid having a hard time. If the difficult behavior is evidence our kid is dysregulated and does not yet have the coping skills to manage, the goal is to help our child learn how to regulate & cope.
How we do boundaries?
As the sturdy leader we are in your family, we are assessing situations in the moment or out of the moment to decide what is best for our family and acting on that to make it happen.
Example of in the moment boundary - “I won’t let you bring the bubbles in the car, I'm going to take them & put them here so they can take a nap while we go have fun,” while I grab the bubbles, as calmly as able.
Example of out of the moment boundary - “I’ve been noticing each time we get in the car you ask for a bar and I’ve decided we aren’t going to have bars in the car anymore, a bummer I know and I know we’ll figure it out together.”
Boundaries can be decided in the moment or out of the moment.
Why do boundaries matter?
Help our child feel safe, they realize someone else is in charge and it’s not them
They learn they are allowed to have wants, won’t always get them, but can express them
Learn they don’t have to be afraid of the big feelings inside of them because we aren’t afraid of them, we are someone who is going to step in and have their back
Helps them understand the world more, what is ok and not ok
Ok, let’s talk about the other part of our job
Validation
What is validation? Validation is expressing understanding of our child’s experience and emotions. Saying things like, “Of course, that makes sense, you’re upset, this is hard”
We are not always agreeing, but we are validating their distress is real.
To help us understand validation let’s start with examples of its opposite, invalidation.
Let’s say you are telling your partner about your morning getting out the door, late because your daughter had a meltdown, and then your boss had a talk with you about your tardiness
Consider if your partner responded in these ways:
-Yea, maybe tomorrow you should leave earlier so that does not happen again (Advice giving)
-I hear you but dont you think youre being a bit sensitive about all of this? (Criticizing)
-Hmh, well let’s talk about the fact that we have vacation coming up (Distracting)
-Oh babe, your boss will get over it, no big (Minimizing)
-Get over this or I’m just going to go finish the show from last night (Threatening)
With those responses would you have felt more connected to your partner? More receptive?
Let’s look at a parenting example.
You asked your kid to put away the crayons before you left, they did not. When you arrive home, your kid sees the dog ate some of their favorite crayons and is now having a meltdown. Look at the below responses that represent invalidation.
-Next time maybe just do what I say and this won’t happen (Advice giving)
-You’re upset but you’re the one who is always leaving your stuff everywhere (Criticizing)
-It’s ok, check out these colored pencils, you like them too (Distracting)
-They are just crayons, you have markers, pencils too, no need to be so upset (Minimizing)
-Stop crying or I am not buying you crayons ever again (Threatening)
Do you think our kid will feel more connected to us? More receptive to what else we have to say?
What if instead?
Your partner said: gosh that sounds awful, it's so hard to be a parent and manage work at the same time.
You said as a parent: of course you are upset the dog ate the crayons, you love drawing with those.
Why do these responses feel more connecting?
Likely when you were sharing with your partner you were more in your right brain, the emotion brain and if your partner responds with a right brain response (validation, acknowledging emotion) that will feel more connecting.
Your toddler operates mostly from right brain and therefore you will be more effective in connecting with them if you speak with them in right brain language before you add any left brain logic ie. validating feelings always and if needed boundary or logic.
What does validation look like?
-”You really want to shove the toy down the vent, I know that seems fun, I won’t let you,” while taking toy, as calmly as able.
-Your kid is very upset about this, “of course you’re mad, that makes sense. you’re allowed to be mad. I’m with you. And I won’t let you shove the toy down the vent.”
Why does validation matter?
Help our child feel seen, more connected to us
Teach our children that what they feel inside is real so they can develop self trust instead of self doubt
Help our child name and organize their feelings and they need a lot of help in this area based on their development
Which side is easier for you? Boundaries or Validation?
Boundaries people, you can say no all day, everyday.
You are helping your kid feel safe, and if you want to increase their sense of being connected to you, while setting boundaries, adding validation is going to take your boundaries to the next level.
Validation people, my warm and fuzzies, you’re my people.
You are helping your kid feel seen, and if you want to increase their sense of safety, while you still crush it with validating, setting and maintaining boundaries is going to take connection with your kid to the next level and your confidence as a caregiver.
Why is the other side so hard?
I think our difficulty with either side is the same reason, likely due to discomfort with our child’s distress.
Boundaries people- don’t validate because want to minimize, change or ignore the emotions
Validation people- don’t set boundaries bc want to avoid having to manage big emotions
As Dr. Becky says, “Our kids feelings should not determine our boundaries and we should not dictate their feelings.”
So if our difficulty with boundaries or validation comes from discomfort with our child’s distress, what do we do to change that?
How to increase our tolerance for our kids’ emotions
-Increase tolerance for our own emotions (whatever emotion is hard to tolerate in our child, is likely is hard to tolerate in ourselves)
How do we increase tolerance for our own emotions? Relating to our emotions through the below steps.
Name: what’s the feeling (ex. sad)
Notice: where in body & feel it (throat, eyes welling, want to curl up)
Nurture: what does the feeling want? (cry, talk with a friend, journal)
As we increase tolerance for our own emotions it will set us up better to practice boundaries and validation because we will have less distress during our child’s distress.
As we wrap up this portion on the parent’s job, I want to leave you with two ideas.
2 ideas increase your confidence as a caregiver
-Increase tolerance for our emotions
-Practice the other side (boundaries or validation)
As we do each of these they help benefit the other one, the more we increase our emotions tolerance, the more we can set boundaries and validate like a boss.