Kids’ Job

Kids’ Job
According to Dr. Becky, our kids' job in the family system is to explore the world and express their emotions. 

How do they explore?
-Test limits
Fun things like, “what happens if.. I mix yogurt with pickles… if I pick popcorn up off the movie theatre floor.. Try to lie on the bottom on the Target cart.. Lick the bench after mom told me not to”
-Try things beyond their current ability
Climbing on everything, everywhere, constantly saying “No, I do it” or use big words/grown up phrases, attempt big kid tasks
-Ask questions
Trying to make sense of a big confusing world, repetition = understanding, working to understand social interactions

Why do they explore?
-This is how they learn (boundaries, autonomy, cause and effect)
-Brain development, helps develop cognitive, physical, social & emotional skills
-Increases creativity, curiosity & resilience
-To gain independence, maek senes of the world, wahts ok and not ok

How to help our kids with this part of their job
-Boundaries & validation! - our job, according to Dr. Becky
-Set boundaries on that exploration
-Validate emotions when kid is upset you set a boundary on exploring 
“I won't let you put the remote in your cereal, I know that's frustrating, ugh”
“You want to jump off the kitchen counter, I can't let you do that, of course you're upset about that”

Comment on effort over outcome
“You focused for a long time on building that tower”
“You kept trying to get those puzzle pieces together, you got frustrated, and you tried again” 

The second part of their job is to express emotions

How do they express emotions?
As Dr. Becky says, kids come to us with all of the emotions and no coping skills so.. Their emotions are expressed in all of our favorite ways- hitting, kicking, screaming, biting, hiding, running away, crying, whining
Whyyyyyyy? Why must this be the case? So why do they have all the emotions but no coping skills? 
Let’s briefly talk about your beloved toddler’s brain.

Toddler’s brain
You could think about it from a left side vs. right side perspective or as Dr. Dan Siegel discusses hte upstairs versus downstairs brain. 
Left/downstairs - logic - under massive construction
Right/upstairs - emotion - very well developed

So our goal is - help kid connect the different parts of the brain which promotes emotion regulation - essentially, to be the bridge or the staircase 

How? By us connecting to their right brain through validation and also if needed logic or a  boundary - this helps promote their emotion regulation 

Ok so what does that look like?
If our job is Boundaries and validation - what does that look like when it comes to expressing emotions?
Boundaries if expressing emotions in an unsafe way
validation of our kid’s internal distress- take it seriously, even if not literally, to them it’s very real 
“I can't let you hit your sister, it's my job to keep you safe, you're upset she has the doll you like”
“I won't let you pull your brother's hair, you're mad, as mad as big as this room” 

Why does expressing emotions matter?
-This will help our kids develop healthy relationships
-As they practice expressing in healthy ways, it promotes mental health
-These skills will help them perform better in school & career
-If kids have access and the ability to express their emotions it can decrease their behavioral problems

So just to recap, our kids job is the EXPLORE the world and EXPRESS their emotions 
As out kids explore the world and express their emotions, they give us ample opportunities to practice our job of setting boundaries and validating.

My experience
Parenting two toddlers is that there is SO much emotion. A good amount of the day is spent playing referee, tending to boo-boo’s, upsets about boundaries and emotions about transitions. Some kids will feel all these things in a bigger, deeper way. And likely with those kids there will be more frequent expressions of emotions, which last longer and present in a more intense manner. Depending on the source, these kids can be referred to as “deep feelers, highly sensitive, big feelers or some would say neurodivergent. Regardless of the term, it’s important as the caregiver to understand they’ll need more support in this area. 

All the feelings
It’s challenging to keep up with all of the “feelings” of a toddler, let alone one who feels at a higher level. It’s essential to remember that we will not be perfect at it and that is not the goal. We are not aiming for 100% of the time making space for our kids emotions and responding with compassion. That will set us up to feel like failures and that’s not the case. Perfection is an impossible standard. So we can expect times we’ll forget, respond automatically and take that as a chance to model intimacy through repair. 

Perfection
I recently heard Dr. Catherine Tobin, a pediatrician who now helps parents of toddlers, on the “Voices of your Village” podcast and she said,  “Your kids are looking for a human. Not an image of a perfect parent.”