Hi, Perfect part
Hi, Perfect part.
Perfectionism comes up consistently in my work with clients. When listening to a song by the artist Fia recently, I caught these lyrics about perfection and they struck me. “Perfection is dull and unattainable, leaving me craving what is real.”
Do you feel more connected to others when you are trying to be perfect or when you keep it real? Have you had one of those moments when someone keeps it real with you and you feel so relieved to find out they aren’t “perfect?” Maybe it was seeing a friend’s messy house, a fellow parent sharing about their financial struggles, a mentor confiding about a mental health diagnosis. These moments of vulnerability remind us of our common humanity and can help deepen our intimacy in relationships. Common humanity is one of the three main components of self compassion.
Touch
I find putting my hands on my heart to be helpful when I am trying to convey some self compassion. When perfectionism arises within us, typically we are running low on self compassion, so giving ourselves a dose can be effective. Experiment with different ways to embrace yourself to get a taste of what feels soothing to you. I usually work with clients to try giving themselves a hug, placing hands on their thighs or palms on their cheeks. Play around with different amounts of pressure, gentle stroking and various body parts. Combine the touch with a mantra for an extra boost of self compassion.
Mantra for me
My favorite mantra when I find myself being hard on myself is, “I’m allowed to be human.” This one just feels so true, validating and comforting in the moment. I used this recently when I made a scheduling error and had to reschedule some appointments. It helped me accept the fact that these things will happen, simply because I am human, not because there is anything wrong me or that I am deeply flawed, it’s just a part of being alive. So, in case you’ve forgotten, or need a reminder, you are allowed to be human.
Modeling for kids
A way that I have tried to model permission to make mistakes for my kids is my mantra when I make a mistake around them. We have these bottles that require a certain set up step that I often do in correctly and when this happens I say the same thing each time.
“Oh, mama made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes, I can still be nice to myself, nobody’s perfect.”
My kids know this refrain and at times have finished it with me aloud.
Genders
Although I see perfectionism come up in my work with all genders, I find it often manifests differently depending on the gender someone was conditioned in during childhood. For those who grew up as boys, perfectionism often looks like needing to be able to “do” things correctly, to be able to perform well in whatever the situation calls for. For those who grew up as girls, it often has more of a relational flavor. It shows up as not wanting to disappoint others, to not be a burden to anyone and lots of “shoulds” throughout the day.
Your perfect part makes sense
Based on your upbringing and experiences, your perfect part makes sense and is here to help you. Like Internal Family Systems would teach, there are no bad parts. So we want to learn from your perfect part. what is it afraid of? Why, what is it trying to protect? You can thank it for all the ways it has served you and remind it how old you are today.
EMDR and perfectionism
If engaging in EMDR, it is an option to explore perfectionism to come up with some targets to reprocess. For this, we may start with a recent situation when perfectionism came up, give you space to feel it in your body and then explore an earlier time you felt this way, to see what memories come to mind. EMDR can be helpful to integrate experiences so they are no longer stored with the common childhood narratives of "I am bad,” and "I can't trust myself.”
Reflection questions for your perfect part
Where did you learn you needed to be perfect?
How did perfectionism keep you safe and connected as a child?
How were mistakes and mess ups handled in childhood?
What were you taught by a faith institution about attempting to be perfect?
How have your professional life and perfectionism related to one another?
How have you benefitted from perfectionism?
What has perfectionism cost you?
Fia’s song
I will leave you with some more of the lyrics from Fia’s song, “All that you are.”
“We came to this earth, to experience it all. The messy and the beautiful, show me that you are human. I will kiss your scars, celebrating everything, all that you are.”