Spirituality

Spirituality 
Let that word be added to the list of many things that I have not “figured out.” And maybe that’s the point. I mean, if someone has “spirituality figured out,” can you trust that? 

Spirituality Experts 
If there is one thing I’ve learned from my deconstruction journey, it’s that questioning spiritual authority, authority in general, is an important part of relationship and trust. Coming from a conservative, evangelical background, there was no space for questions or different opinions. According to the “experts,” and myself being one of them at the time, there was one way. It was black and white. Right or wrong. 

One way is in my blood
My beloved maternal grandfather was an adult in my life who wrapped me in the most love and warmth. He was also a full hearted evangelical, “witness,” to the core. I remember him at Wendy's, every time, asking the cashiers if they had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He loved his tracts. He organized “tent meetings” in the inner city to preach to kids and organize fun events for them. He taught first grade Sunday school for decades, created Bible games in his woodshop and always volunteered at church events. He was sold, there was no room for other ways of life or beliefs. This is what my mom knew as a kid and what I came to know as his granddaughter.

I followed the path 
He could not have been more proud of me when I worked at a church as a middle school pastor. Although, he was always quick to remind me that I was not a “pastor,” because I was a woman. Like, my grandfather, I was sold. The church provided answers and all of our brains like answers. A way to peace, security and comfort in trials. The time was extremely formative for me and contributed a lot of goodness to my life. I met my best friend who was my maid of honor and my partner in the church. I was given incredible professional opportunities to develop my creative, writing and speaking skills. But, like all things in life, there was good and bad. 

Deconstruction 
I eventually left my position to go to school to become a counselor and my partner remained on staff at the church. Then, they started to question their beliefs and it inspired me to do the same. Over time, the thread of our fully convicted faith and lives began to unravel at an incredibly fast, and slow, pace at the same time. This impacted our lives professionally, financially, emotionally and relationally in significant ways. 

Exploration 
In the years after deconstruction, I explored different faiths, spiritual ideas and communities. My partner did the same and landed in a lot of comfort in liberation and feminist theology. I can’t say there’s any label to describe where I’ve landed and I don’t think there will ever be. Deconstruction also taught me to put less faith in labels.

Church again?
Years later, we have found a home in an open and affirming united church of christ church. I don’t agree with everything. My relationship with the Bible is still complicated. I teach my kids’ class because I want to be with them and also, I want to make sure I know what is being taught. I love the people. The people and staff are open handed with theology, don’t expect one belief and truly celebrate everyone. The people love on my kids and it makes my heart so happy. The church is vocal about being open and affirming, which is incredibly important to me. 

Spirituality 
But, spirituality remains important to me. And I’m not 100% sure what that word means. I guess I’d describe it as a connection to things bigger than me; nature, humans, love, connection. I just know I don’t want to let go of that. Openness, presence, creativity, the divine, the mystery, sacred. I don’t want to let my negative experiences with a faith community take my spirituality away from me.

No one way 
One of the biggest impacts of my deconstruction was to accept that there is no “one way.” That has left me open to where anyone is in regards to spirituality. I know, work with and love those who are still committed to a church, want nothing to do with faith, are unsure where they stand, atheist, agnostic. 

What about you? 
How would you describe your spiritual journey?
What’s “in your blood” from a faith perspective? 
How would you describe your spirituality now?
What are you trying to “figure out?” Does it actually have to be “figured out?”
Do you have a community that brings you to life? If not, what could that be or look like for you and your family? Does it exist?
Could you start it with another family? 

Deconstruction support:
Holy Hurt
When Religious Hurts You
Sacred Wounds
Out of Sorts
Leaving the fold 
You are your own
The Dance of the Dissident Daughter 
Healing spiritual wounds

Purity culture support:
Come as you are
Beyond Shame
Erika Smith 
Your body is not an apology 
Pure
Sex, God and the Conservative Church