Tantrums Still Suck

Tantrums still suck 
I am a therapist and tantrums still suck. I understand they are developmentally important and healthy. I get my job is to try and stay regulated to help them with their regulation. I know my job is not to stop the tantrum. I have strategies for how to support my kids through them. I have ideas on how to help myself in the midst of them. And, they still suck. There are not enough deep breaths in the world to help me feel at ease during tantrums. 

Movement 
I’ve learned I’m less of a “deep breath” person and more of a “move my body” person. During a tantrum or meltdown, my body has so much activated energy that it’s more effective for me to jump, dance, sprint, squat to release it. When my kids have had meltdowns at the same time, I have been known to run a couple of laps around the living room to help my body, “mama is feeling a lot right now, I am going to help my body feel a bit more calm by running.” 

Survive not thrive
All that to say, when it comes to tantrums, it has been about surviving not thriving over here. With two toddlers, I’ve had LOTS of opportunities to practice “thriving” during tantrums and let’s just say, that has not happened. If you are thriving during a tantrum, kudos to you. I feel I can do just enough to get through it without escalating it, most of the time, and am so thankful when it has passed. It’s not pleasant, I never like it and I always want it to end. 

We can do all the things 
We can do ALL the things and things will still be hard. I have completed courses, read books and listened to podcasts for support on attuning with my kids during these difficult moments. I am in therapy to help me with my own emotion regulation. I have worked with my partner on the mental load and working together as a team. I have used strategies outside of the moment with my kids to help with their own distress tolerance and modeling my own. 

Parenting Marketing 
Some of the parenting marketing out there makes it seem like we can reach this “thriving” during a meltdown.

 “Crushing it, Conquering it, Solving, Fixing, Stopping, Winning, Easy as 1-2-3, a couple clicks away…” 

I call bull. I understand these well meaning, intelligent, caring and loving individuals are selling products that are helpful, however I just wish the names, descriptions, promises could be more realistic. 

“Support with, Help for, Ideas, Experiments, Strategies to try…” 

It’s not you 
All that to say, if tantrums still suck for you, it’s not you. Even with all the parenting support and programs, the hard things are still hard. Meltdowns, feeding, sleeping, potty learning, sibling conflict, lying, separation anxiety, and the list goes on. If there’s an aspect of your parenting season right now that sucks, that’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with you or your child. It does not mean you have not tried hard enough, done enough work, aren’t a great parent. 

In the suck
So, I am reflecting on, what has helped me lately, while “in the suck” of parenting? 
I’ll share a couple of recent supports for me. 

Medication 
I first started a mental health medication last year and would for sure have benefited from starting one much earlier in life, especially postpartum with my first. But it can be hard to tease out “postpartum depression” from “postpartum is just always hard, right?” I’m on a different medication than the one I first tried for about a year and I think this one has been more effective so far. 

Checking my expectations for myself 
I’ve made some adjustments to what I had been expecting of myself as a mom and therapist. I’ve changed my mind about business practices to align with my life season versus what “experts” tell me. I’ve gone internal for direction instead of putting pressure on myself to live up to the “ideals” of others offering advice. It’s helped me feel more connected to myself and more at ease, that I have nothing to prove. 

A creative outlet outside of parenting 
I’ve asked for time to create, write, and be on my own to reflect. It has been such special time for me to jump out of active mom mode and instead invest in the professional that I am. It’s early in the day when I still have energy because often by nap time I am exhausted. 

Pausing to appreciate 
Adjusting expectations for myself, what our house looks like and my business has helped me to slow down to appreciate the present moment. Taking a snapshot in my mind of my kid’s one piece of hair that falls in their eyes or my other kid’s adorable toes that remind me of little candies. 

I hope that you can also find ways to find some delight “in the suck” of parenting.