Who Benefits?

Shame Resilience Theory 
Brené Brown created the Shame Resilience Theory and I read about it in her book, “I thought it was just me.” So many parts of the book were incredibly helpful; the main shame categories, personal stories from other women about shame, and the four elements to increase our resilience in the experience of shame. 

Practicing Critical Awareness 
The second element Brené Brown highlights is practicing critical awareness. In this chapter she includes many examples of questions we can ask ourselves to deepen our understanding of the expectations we place on ourselves that leave us feeling shame when unmet. 

Private lives in context 
One of the goals of increasing our awareness of these factors is to connect to the outside influences on these narratives we hold onto, about what we “should” be, do, look like, wear, talk, look, parent, spend money, work and so on. This includes the impact of the political, economic and social realms. 

Shoulds
We did not come up with the “shoulds” on our own. We learned them, picked them up along the way when we were trying to make sense of the world and also when trying to avoid rejection and find belonging. 
“I should have lost the baby weight by now.” (Fitness industry)
“I should not have grey hair in my 30’s.” (Beauty industry)
“I should be calm.” (Wellness industry)

Depending on our own context, relationships, experiences we can carry opposite shoulds from one another. 

“I should work to bring in more income for my young family”
“I should not work when I have young kids at home” 

Questions to ask 
I’ll share a couple of the questions she includes to ask ourselves about our shame triggers.
What are the social community expectations of ______ ? 
Who benefits from these expectations? 
Am I describing who I want to be or others want me to be?

An example 
Let’s use the grey hair “should” from above as an example with the questions. 
“I should not have grey hair in my 30’s.” 

What are the social-community expectations of ______ ? 
The expectation is to hold onto “youth” as long as you are able. Our culture’s image of youth does not include grey hair. The expectation is that you will spend money, time and energy using chemicals to get rid of any greys that dare show themselves. The expectation is that grey is “bad” and no grey is “good”. The narrative is that grey is associated with “old” and no grey is associated with “beauty, youth, vitality.” 

These narratives are spoken and unspoken. We hear comments about grey hair and see a lack of representation of women in their 30’s and 40’s keep their greys, so when we do, we notice and it sticks out to us. 

Who benefits from these expectations? 
The beauty industry. Advertising industry. Hair products industry. (I think it can be helpful to add the question, How do I benefit from this expectation? Do I? When it comes to this narrative, not sure if there is a benefit to this “should,” on the individual.) 

Am I describing who I want to be or others want me to be?
This can be complicated to answer at times because it can be challenging to tease out our wants from what we have been conditioned to see as “good.” Even if we can not come up with a clear cut answer, it helps to know we’ve asked the question and given ourselves the opportunity to explore our wants and behaviors instead of operating on auto-pilot according to our cultures’ narratives. 

So in the case of grey hair, is coloring our hair a personal want or a societal want? I’ll share my personal experience. I think for me, it is more of a cultural want, and also one I am choosing based on the culture I live in. And I think it’s okay to give ourselves permission to do that, especially if we have been reflective about our choices. 

Personal example 
To elaborate further on my own experience, I did not color my greys for two years after coloring my hair since my 20’s. I stopped coloring my hair because I realized it was more of a cultural expectation and I wanted to live a different beauty standard and also show my kids another possibility. I got a pixie cut and even eventually shaved my head and kept the buzzed head for 6 months. My partner loved it and wanted me to keep it that way. Looking back, I am so proud of myself for doing that and can see the healing power it had for me in challenging the beauty and hair narratives from my childhood. 

However, after two years, I decided to color my hair again and wrestled with the decision. But the point is, I wrestled with it and was reflective and thoughtful about it. I am aware I dyed it because of cultural narratives and I can accept that. 

We get to decide the expectations we align with and which ones we flick off. 
And we can change our minds.