The Girl You Never Got To Be

The girl you never got to be 
I recently listened to Dr. Thema Bryant on episode 413 on the the “We can do hard things” podcast and one of the things they said that struck me was, “I am deserving of the girl I never got to be.” I wonder about the girls we never got to be. I wanted to take some time to think about some areas that may have been shut down in childhood and adolescence for you and me. 

Playfulness
Our childhood may have been one that lacked play because of the worries that suffocated our caregivers, or life stressors around finances, health, career, addiction, conflict. Play may have been frowned upon, seen as pointless or a waste of time. Some of us may have been forced to grow up too quickly, laden with responsibilities which left little to no time to play. When we did play, we may have gotten teased or what we wanted to play was something our caregivers were not into and treated it like a burden. Now as adults, play can feel foreign, uncomfortable or boring. 

Playfulness questions to reflect on:
What ways did your little girl want to play and can you engage in any of that now as an adult? How could you “play” now as an adult? What do you like to play with your kid? 

Desire
Wants as a kid are often an inconvenience to parents, requiring time, money or energy which parents can often be short on. So, wants can be met with immediate shut down, criticism and threats. When, as little girls, our wants and desires were discouraged, ignored, rejected and denounced; we learned a way to belong is to stay small, quiet, desire-less. We may have been praised for being a “good girl,” because we never got in the way, caused a wave and strived to please everyone. A helpful podcast that relates to these ideas is “Calling all Good Girls” by Dr. Becky Kennedy. 

Desire questions to reflect on:
Were you allowed to want and desire as a girl? What did you want as a kid and teen? Could you even access your wants or were they so far buried? What about now in adulthood? When you ask yourself, “What do I desire?,” what happens in your body and what comes to mind? 

Body 
As girls, we may not have been able to feel connected to our bodies, see her (our body) as good or make biological sense of happenings in our body. We may not have been taught about the vulva, pleasure, menstrual cycles, orgasms, noticing body sensations, the connection between sensations and emotions, enthusiastic consent, body boundaries, objectification, different abilities, language for bodies that look different. So the body becomes a distant, unknown, sometimes gross, silent part of life. When bodies were talked about, we may have only heard criticism or praise for a certain “look” of a body. We may have learned that our body is only “good” if she looks a certain way and also that our worth lies in getting as close to that as possible. One that questions can’t be asked about, not a welcome conversation and we’re left not knowing or finding information, accurate or inaccurate, from peers. 

Body questions to reflect on:
What dialogue around bodies happened in your childhood? How did your caregivers talk about their bodies? How did they comment on your body? What was your connection to your body like as a girl? Today? Could you write your body a letter to begin a dialogue? Maybe you could also write a letter in reply from your body, to you. Dr. Hillary McBride’s books on embodiment are helpful resources for this exploration.

Critical Thinking 
What was it like in your family when you asked a question, disagreed or expressed curiosity about a sensitive topic? Did your caregivers encourage dialogue, expressing different perspectives and wondering about things that did not make sense? If we grew up in a religious context, not always but often, there is a discouragement of questioning the institution's beliefs and practices, we can be seen as bad, the devil tempting us, not praying enough, not as spiritual as others. Critical thinking and asking questions is not often encouraged. That can leave us as adults, feeling disconnected from our intuition, searching for answers outside of us from all different sources and having a difficult time with decision making. 

Critical thinking questions to reflect on:
What was it like when you asked questions as a girl? Was there someone who took your questions seriously, took time to listen and provide thoughtful back and forth dialogue? If so, how did that impact you and if not, what would that experience have been like for you? Where do you feel safe asking questions today? What is something you have been thinking critically about lately? Who could you discuss that with to further your reflection? 

Can you give yourself permission to embody the girl you never got to be, today?