Is “Regulation” the Goal?
Is the goal “regulation?” I recently listened to the EMDR “Notice that” podcast and Melissa Benintendi started a conversation about regulation that resonated with me. In discussing EMDR and somatic therapy, she asked some questions about regulation, below.
“Why are we so obsessed with regulation?”
“Why are we so terrified of dysregulation?”
“Why are we so afraid of the messiness of our own lived experience and the reality of what happens when we come into full body contact with our environment and each other?”
Regulation Marketing
If you seek wellness, therapy and health content, regulation is a hot topic. Always presented as the goal. Selling ways to get to regulation, because the assumption is that is what is “good.” Being regulated feels good, right? So if you are selling something to a population of people with trauma histories, anxiety, depression, attachment wounds, who would not want a path towards “regulation?” Sounds like that would be a hot ticket item. Who does not want to feel good, calm.
Personal experience
I’ve fallen prey to this marketing. I bought a 30 day somatic course to “heal trauma.” Did it heal my trauma, you ask? No, for sure no. Did I really hope and believe it could? I did. The best part was when I inquired about a refund, I was blamed because their system (incorrectly) said I missed a day. Even if I did miss a day, if you are selling a product to people with trauma history and then blaming them if it does not “heal their trauma in 30 days,” let’s just say cringe.
Regulation as “calm”
Regulation is also sold as “calm.” But what if we could be angry and regulated? I was first introduced to this idea by therapist KC Davis on one of their podcast episodes. This was a brand new idea to me. Regulated and angry? They seem like colloquial opposites. Broadening our understanding of regulation to include a wide range of emotions may help us shift our relationship to regulation and create more acceptance of difficult emotions instead of piling on resistance and shame for certain feelings and experiences. I can be angry and feel the sensations, wring a towel, scream alone in the car and regulated, regulating. Or I can be angry and throw a dish, yell at my partner, dysregulated.
Fear of kids’ dysregulation
Dysregulation is uncomfortable. My body immediately feels tense and uneasy when my kids are dysregulated, it’s not a pleasant experience. How much of that discomfort is conditioning from culture, family of origin messaging and responses about dysregulation or a biological response to nudge me to care for my young? I don’t know, all I do know is that I do not feel like calm, super mom when my kids are dysregulated. But, I know letting them feel their feelings and express their feelings is important so they can have a receptive relationship to their emotional world. So, while I may be uncomfortable, can I ride the wave of my kids’ dysregulation to help them know it’s part of being human?
Fear of our dysregulation
In this conversation, I’m reflecting on my own relationship to my own dysregulation. I really appreciate these questions raised by Melissa, because I have been holding onto this ideal of “regulation” instead of reality, which includes both. It’s almost like, we can see any dysregulation as a sign of regression in our progress, our own personal failing, we’re not strong enough, doing enough self care. When actually, what if we expected dysregulation to occur as a part of being human? Especially a caregiver in 2025 without societal support, like paid parental leave, childcare support, guaranteed healthcare, administration changes etc.
Wrapping our dysregulation in a hug
When I reflect on shifting my relationship to dysregulation, I first think of wrapping all of my dysregulation up in a hug. Like, “oh come here, hunny, this is hard, of course, we’ll get through it together.” This impulse makes sense because a hug, closeness, is often what I will give my kids in their dysregulation. Instead of naturally giving myself this compassionate response though, it more often has looked like self-criticism, “ugh here you go again,” “why can’t you be more chill like your partner?,” “why do so many things bother you?,” “you’re so fucked up.” Maybe you can relate. What if instead, we did talk to ourselves like we do our children when they are struggling?
Self compassion in dysregulation
I’ve found my favorite way to practice self compassion, because it’s short, easy to remember and effective is Dr. Kristin Neff’s “Self Compassion Break.” There are three components; mindfulness, common humanity and compassion. This is an exercise I find myself frequently practicing in my work with clients, because giving ourselves compassion instead of criticism, is foreign for so many of us. It can look like this:
Mindfulness: “I am so mad right now.” (Name your feeling)
Common humanity: “I know I am not the only one who feels this way, I am not alone, it makes sense because it’s part of being human and struggling.” (Remind yourself you’re not alone in pain)
Compassion: “May I be a friend to myself” (Tell yourself how you want to treat yourself in the midst of it)
Here’s me, sending your dysregulation a loving, warm, hug.