3yo Screaming in Public

3yo Screaming in Public 
Been there before? 
You are out and about and for whatever reason, your child has a meltdown and is now screaming at you. Your blood pressure rises, your mind is concerned with what others think of you, all you want is for the screaming to stop and all the while your body is on edge with fear, embarrassment and maybe shame. Ugh, what’s a mom to do? 

My recent experience
I wanted to share about a time this happened to me recently at our local gym, where our kids go to childwatch. On this particular day, my spouse was also here and we went to grab our kids from the play area. One of our kids asked for more play time, which I agreed to and when I came back a few minutes later, let’s just say, they still were not ready to leave. 

First sign 
I could tell in my body that I felt a bit nervous and mentally prepared myself that it could be difficult and knew I needed to take action. So I gave them an option; you can run to the door or I’ll come pick you up. They declined both, so I threw a bone hoping it would work, offering to race them to the door, nope, no interest in that either. So I let them know I was going to come pick them up, walked over, helped them put a toy down and picked them up.

And so it began
And this began the screaming and crying. All of the kids present were looking at us in wonder and curiosity. I was aware I had a part of me aware of what others could think and I had another part of me aware that what was most important was attuning to my kid and helping them through this. 

Point of no return 
I sensed we were at the point of no return, that “getting” my child to stop screaming was not going to happen and the best route was to shimmy towards the car, as they continued to shout at me through the hall, lobby and parking lot. In some cases, we’ll say, “Can you try it again in a kind voice or I won’t let you yell at me,” but they were not going to hear anything I had to say at this point, fight or flight mode baby. As they were doing this, I was holding them, as we walked and whispering things like, “I’m here with you, makes sense you are upset, your body is feeling a lot right now.” 

Carseat Battle 
So then the battle to get them strapped in the carseat ensued. They thrashed their body all around and I said things like, “we’re on the same team, let’s work together, your big feelings don’t scare me.” They were unable to calm their body and I sensed my frustration growing, so I said, “mama needs to calm her body, I am going to take a break and some deep breaths,” I moved to the passenger seat in the car to attune to myself. I put in my loop earbuds, took some breaths, connected to my body and surroundings and realigned myself with my values as a parent. 

Round Two 
When I went back, they said, “I thought you were taking breaths!!!” and I explained I did and was here to help with the car seat now and although there was still some struggle, it had deescalated at this point and I was able to get them strapped in. 

Phew 
Thank goodness, we were on the road and headed home, the shouting had ceased and everyone could now relax their bodies a bit. As I was reflecting, I felt proud of how I handled the situation and became aware that I wanted praise from my spouse. I started to feel angry that they had not complimented how I handled it yet and then took that indicator as a reminder that it was most important that I gave that to myself, in the name of reducing codependency and becoming my own internal mother. So I spent a moment sharing with myself that I was proud of how I handled the difficulty. And as a bonus, don’t you know, a few moments later my spouse shared how it was helpful for them to see how I handled the shouting situation. 

Reflections
When I reflect on this situation, there are things I think I could have done differently; maybe not given the extra play time, offering to move our bodies outside the car before trying to strap them in; and also, the goal is not perfection so that can’t be the expectation for any of us. 

Motivation 
I must share, on the way into the gym that day, I saw a parent spanking their child, always a trigger for me. That image was a clear reminder for me of the way I want to parent, how I want to treat my kids and meet them in their hard moments; and that is with respect for their dignity, humanity, body and feelings. 

Ps. Totally open to more ideas on how to respond to 3yo shouting in public ;)