No Perfect Choice
No Perfect Choice
Are you, like me, a...
Recovering perfectionist?
Recovering fundamentalist?
Recovering black and white thinker?
Recovering codependent?
Gentle reminder: There's no perfect choice
I read this idea in the book, "Worrying is Optional." It talked about how every choice is a sacrifice in some regard to other values we hold. They used the example of caring about protecting the climate and also wanting to be able to drive a minivan to transport their children, by choosing to drive their kids they are sacrificing some of their care for the climate.
Values in conflict?
This was a helpful idea to me because previously, I had heard, through a training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, that our values were never in conflict because; for example, if we valued presence in one area of our life, we’d value it in all of the other areas too. And that makes sense, yet in real life, it just presents itself more complicated than that. If I value presence; I still have to decide where I am going to choose to be present; at my child’s school event, work presentation or visiting my grandmom in the hospital? And that is where the reminder that there is no perfect choice can help take the pressure off.
Choice making
I have found making choices quite challenging since motherhood especially. I find myself in inner conflict because I want there to be a perfect choice. I want there to be a perfect decision about scheduling, relationships, finances, education and so on, but when I can remember there is no such thing, it can help me pause and decide from an empowered place instead of a place where I feel like my hands are tied behind my back.
Choice ≠ Identity
I also catch myself too tightly tying my choices to my identity. For example, "Snuggles with kids or get up and have creative time for myself?" If I can let go of my identity, the perception of others and instead, go internal, I can make the choice for myself, without it reflecting my identity. I can trust the foundation of me being a good mom, professional, and therefore not needing this choice to prove that, because it's already true.
What we learned about choices from church
If you have a similar background to me in evangelical world, you may have learned that every choice is SO important because it defines who you are, is either sin or righteous and can contribute to whether you end up in heaven or hell. I mean, truly, could the stakes get any higher? Also, you may have learned that your choices as a female, impact and dictate the choices of males. That your choices as children reflect your parents and either bring them shame or honor. That your choices either align with God’s plan (no sex before marriage) or go against God’s plan (dating someone of the same gender).
Behavior does not equal identity
When it comes to parenting, Dr. Becky always reminds us to separate our child’s behavior from their identity. Our kid is a good kid, just having a hard time. When they are biting, stealing, shouting, lying, cheating; still a good kid, just struggling in that moment. This struggle does not change their identity as a good, great, wonderful kid. Is it easy or hard for you to hold that as true for your children? Often, parents I work with, have an easier time holding that as true for their kids than they do applying it to themselves. Ie. It’s ok for my child to make mistakes, but not me. My child can make a wrong choice and I still see how lovable they are, I understand what contributed to them messing up, but for me, there is just no room to mess up.
Not letting ourselves win, no matter what
I often find as moms, regardless of what we choose, we don't let ourselves off the hook. "I'm working FT so don't get time with my kids, but value my career. I want to see a friend but feel bad asking my partner to watch the kids." This was a point made in the book, “Real Self Care.” Dr. Lakshmin used the example of a woman who wanted to take an extended parental leave her workplace offered but did not want to put more stress on her colleagues by being out of the office longer. Whatever she decided, she had set herself up to feel bad. Go to work and feel bad she was not at home with her baby or stay home and feel bad she was not at work helping her colleagues. Feel similar? Ek, I can definitely relate to feeling like, either way, I am not enough. This is not a personal problem, it’s also a cultural problem, in the context of many systems that have set us up to feel this way about ourselves. We have a difficult time accepting others' feelings, disappointment and we've been conditioned to not ask for what we want or need.
Gaze Inward
So let’s try to, as Dr. Becky says, gaze inside before you gaze outside to make our choices.