Asking for something

Asking for something 
This is an area clients often struggle with and one I can relate to myself. Dialectal Behavioral Therapy has a skill called “making a simple request,” and it breaks down how to ask for something. 

Identify the issue 
What’s bothering you or what do you need or want? Sometimes, this can be the hard part for us, knowing what we want. Other times it is obvious to you and you have barriers blocking your ability to express your request. 

“I’m a bit warm, I asked for no milk, I need to be there by 12:30pm”

Make a kind request 
Ask in a kind and simple way. Ask directly for your request. As Brené Brown says, “clear is kind.” Avoid sugar coating the request, being vague or downplaying its importance to you.

“Do you mind turning on the AC, could you remake the drink with no milk, would it be ok if we left at 11:30 instead of 12?” 

Express appreciation
Add a phrase of appreciation to your request, indicating you are on the same team, collaborating on an issue, not against one another. Acknowledging that your request may create discomfort for them and would be meaningful and helpful to you if they were able to comply or negotiate. 

”Thank you for helping me out, I appreciate it, that would make a big difference for my peace of mind.”

Other options
Be mindful of other options you have if they do not agree to your request. We can’t control others’ choices, only our own. A request may or may not be agreed to and we can’t determine that for someone else. Therefore it can be helpful to know we have other options for meeting our needs or wants.

I’m going to take my jacket off, go to a different room, drive myself, order a new coffee, go to a different coffee shop, ask someone else to give me a ride

Barriers to asking for something 
I don’t deserve it
We may have an unconscious belief that we don’t deserve someone’s help or support so we try to do it all on our own and be as “easy” as possible. 

I look weak 
We may see asking for something as a sign of weakness, a lack of independence and capability so we strive to figure everything out ourselves. 

I will upset them 
We get uncomfortable when someone else is upset so we don’t ask for anything that could cause distress in someone else. We take responsibility for their emotions and can’t tolerate that our request may cause a burden for someone else. 

I can’t depend on anyone
We have been let down and disappointed by others and start to protect our hearts by only depending on ourselves. We don’t ask for help because we don’t believe anyone will help or if they do, that it will be as helpful as doing it ourselves. 

I don’t know what I want
We may be unsure what we actually want or need in a situation and have a lack of clarity on our feelings about something. If we don’t know, it leaves us confused, debating in our minds, isolated in our experience and engaging in unclear dialogue with others. 

Working with barriers 
Test the waters
Experiment with the opposite of your beliefs in small, manageable, and also slightly anxiety provoking ways. Can you ask for something, while still feeling like you don’t deserve it? Anotherwards, do the behavior first and hope that, eventually, the feelings will follow. The more you exercise the muscle of asking for something, likely, the more your core beliefs about yourself, having needs and wants, will shift to more adaptive beliefs

Practice tolerating the discomfort 
Likely, you’ll feel uncomfortable, weird, nervous, awkward, because you are creating a new behavioral pattern, neural network and shifting automatic patterns that have been in place for decades. So, practice noticing your discomfort, offering yourself some stabilization and soothing, then proceeding forward. You can remind yourself that you are capable of tolerating discomfort; the discomfort of someone saying no, getting upset, letting you down, seeing you as weak.

Stabilize and soothe
Stabilization strategies
Tighten and release muscles one group at a time
Inhale then exhale with a loud sigh
Suck on an ice cube
Smell an essential oil that is soothing or energizing 
Shake your body for 30 seconds 

Soothing strategies 
Hand on heart, “This pain is temporary, I will get through it.” 
Palms on cheeks, “Of course this is hard, that makes sense.” 
Hands on thighs, “I’m trying something new, I feel proud of myself” 
Self hug, “I can help myself and how I feel, I have options and am not trapped.” 

Nervous means new, not bad
A fellow mom shared this in a group last year and it’s always stuck with me. I use it for myself when nervous, share it with my kids when they are nervous. Hang on to this reminder when you are trying something new; asking for something.