How’s your partnership?
How’s your partnership?
Partnerships, amirite? Like parenting, not easy. Let’s start by looking at some information regarding how we tend to pick our partners.
What is familiar?
We may feel most comfortable in a romantic relationship that has similar themes to our childhoods, it’s familiar, what we know and what we are most used to experiencing. This may mean that if we grew up in a chaotic environment, we may seek out a relationship that manifests in chaos because that’s what we know. There may be an unconscious part of ourselves that is trying to recreate childhood dynamics so this time around we can “fix or resolve” the dynamic. If we are most familiar with chaos and then find ourselves in a stable, calm relationship, that can feel boring, anxiety provoking or as if something is wrong.
Purity Culture
It’s common in purity culture for marriage to be encouraged at a young age and/or is desired so a couple can have the “green light” to be sexual without guilt. It’s a phrase around christian college campuses, “ring by Spring,” being the joked about goal for women on campus. This being the case, adults get married at a relatively young age, before their brain is fully developed and then over time, the individuals change and may discover that they would not have chosen this partner outside of these cultural dynamics.
Where you at with your partnership?
I think it’s helpful to start with a foundation of gaining clarity and honesty with yourself about where you are in regards to your partnership. Are you struggling in the relationship and want to work on it with your partner? Are you considering divorce? On a scale from 1-10, 10 being getting divorce papers tomorrow, where are you? Have you been working on it together and feel dissatisfied with the results?
Barriers to knowing what we want
Denial
Our brain can use denial as a way to protect us from pain and so we may find it challenging to be honest with ourselves about where we are regarding our partner. If we can avoid the difficult truths, not acknowledge them, ignore them then we don’t have to deal with the fear of what they could mean. “If I say aloud that I have concerns about my partner’s alcohol use, that could mean they won’t agree and where does that leave me?”
Divorce beliefs
We may have grown up in a culture where divorce was seen as a sin, off limits, bad. Therefore we may not give ourselves permission to even consider that as an option, to even let it cross our minds. We may greatly fear how it could impact our kids and because of this avoid diving into our feelings, needs and big questions about our relational satisfaction.
Focusing on others’ feelings instead of our own
We may get so fixated on how others’ feel, our partner, our kids, our parents, our friends, our partner’s family, that we don’t explore how we feel. We avoid acknowledging our true feelings by busying ourselves with how others may feel. We engage in defenses to not feel our sadness, anger, resentment, guilt, longings.
If you’re wanting to work on your partnership
Small things, often -Gottmans
The Gottmans are known as couple gurus in the therapy world and their resources are often recommended to couples. Therapists can receive training in their methodology to treat couples. They use a phrase, “small things, often,” to promote what truly makes a difference in partnerships. Doing the small things, often. Saying thank you, giving a compliment, asking for a kiss, giving a back rub, asking how their day was, sending a “thinking of you” text.
They share that couples who thrive tend to have a 5-1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions. This means we can intentionally increase our positive interactions to improve our relationship, by small things, often.
Couples therapy
Engage in couples therapy, early, before you are on the brink of divorce. My partner and I have been married for over ten years and have been in couples therapy for over a year, now we go only about once a month and it’s helpful in some way every time. It has helped us with understanding one another and ourselves better, we’ve felt encouraged by our therapist and they challenge us to consider the other person and how we can feel more connected with one another.
Do your own work
I’m a better partner since engaging weekly in my own individual therapy for well over a year. It’s on me to be responsible for how I feel, act, think and therapy helps with me staying on my side of the fence and increasing my awareness of my own sensitivities and defenses. We can’t control our partner, and if they do their own work, but we can choose how we take care of ourselves.
Resources
“Who deserves your love” book by LPC KC Davis
“Eight dates” by John & Julie Gottman PhD
“The sex personality type” podcast episode by Vanessa & Xander Marin