Feelings Bench

Feelings Bench 
Dr. Becky Kennedy has a concept called “the feelings bench” which is an image of us sitting next to our kids, on the bench, during their sadness, instead of trying to shove them off the sadness feelings bench. 

I get it 
I totally get the urge and have many times tried to move my children's emotions along. Sometimes, it’s just the practical thing to do based on the circumstances; time, transition, etc. So, it’s not all or nothing, black or white, always or never. It’s what we do a lot of the time that matters. Alongside at times, moving our kids’ emotions in a different direction, do we also hold space for their sadness, anger, jealousy? 

Uncomfortable
So uncomfortable, I know! Seeing our child in any pain tugs at our heartstrings like nothing else. We want to take the pain away. Erase the sadness and grief, make the anger disappear, help them not feel rejected or frustrated. The reality is though, these feelings will follow them throughout life, it’s part of being a human who cares about things. So, we have this great opportunity to help them learn how to relate to these feelings in an effective way.

Not equipped
Because many of us did not have someone sit on the feelings bench with us, we may feel unequipped to sit next to our children in their emotions. Our body may get tense, feel like it wants to run away or rage. If it’s hard to tolerate our own sadness, it will likely be hard to make space for our child’s sadness. If our anger was shut down in childhood, we may notice we quickly cut off our child’s anger. Regardless of our own childhood dynamics, it’s hard, unbearable at times, to see our loved ones suffer. 

Guides
It can help us to remember that these feelings are helpful guides. We want to encourage our kids to learn how to feel and express them, when they are still living with us so they are equipped when they leave our homes to navigate the intensity of emotions. We can help them see that their sadness is a cue for loss and a need for comfort, that their anger is a cue to protect their values or boundaries.   

Our relationship to our emotions 
One way we can increase our ability to sit on the feelings bench is by practicing tolerance for our own emotions. Noticing our emotions, naming them and nurturing them. See an example below. 

Name: What’s the feeling?  (sadness)
Notice: Where in my body & what can I feel?  (throat, eyes welling, want to curl up)
Nurture: What does the feeling want and what can I provide? (cry, talk with a friend, hug) 

Feelings Bench Responses (Dr. Becky Kennedy)
Ok, so when our kid is on the feelings bench, what do we do?! Help! Here are some ideas to try incorporating, seeing them as experiments, to get a sense of what helps your child most.
Physical touch
Place an arm around your kid, hold their hand, rub their back, give them a hug. Let them know you’ll sit with them as long as they need. If you need to get up, let them know why and that you’ll be back, or if an option, invite them to come with you. 

One word
You can respond with one word, “huh, oh, yea, hmmmm,” this may encourage them to keep talking. Or can be helpful if you are caught off guard, have no idea what to say and want to buy some time. 

Tell me more
Invite your kid to tell you more. You are expressing curiosity and concern for their inner world. 

Thumbs up game
If your kid is less likely to talk and share about their experiences or feelings, this can be a helpful technique to try with them. Invite your kid to give you a thumbs up if you’re correct, a thumb in the middle if kind of correct and a thumbs down if you’re wrong. Start by sharing something silly or ridiculous to increase the likelihood that they’ll engage; “I bet you’re upset because there was a giraffe at school today and you did not get to pet it.” 

“I’m so glad we’re talking about this.”
Verbalize that you are so glad your kid is sharing their feelings and experiences with you. You’re reinforcing that you are a safe container to hold their experiences and encouraging an open dialogue to continue between the two of you. 

“Did I ever tell you about the time?”
Share with your kid a time you experienced something similar. Give them a story about a time you also felt left out, lost a pet or got jealous of a friend’s new shoes. 

Feelings are a superpower
Our feelings, awareness and expression of them can be a  super power. They will help us feel connected to others, solve problems, ask for what we want and need, invest in our values, survive and thrive.