Mom Triggers

Window of Tolerance
An idea I often share with clients towards the beginning of therapy is the window of tolerance. This concept is a helpful visual and gives language to our body’s experience when activated by a stressor. It teaches that we all have a window in which we are regulated, centered, able to learn and take in new information, be flexible, curious, open. 

Self energy 
If you’re familiar with Internal Family Systems, I’d add that the window is when we are embodying the most “Self” energy. Self is the core of who we are; confident, creative, connected, compassionate and many other desirable “C” words. When we are within our window, we have the most capacity to embody these qualities. I’d guess there are also protectors, likely managers, active in the window. 

Outside the window
When we get outside of our window, our body shifts to one of two states; hyperarousal or hypoarousal. Hyperarousal is most aligned with an anxious, restless, activated, on edge experience. Hypoarousal is most aligned with a depressive, shut down, numb, withdrawn state. Is there one you can see you tend to float towards more? Or is there a pretty even fluctuation between both hyper and hypo? 

Parts language 
In parts language, outside of our window is when we get hijacked by a protector or exile part; I’d think more firefighter parts. We get triggered and then our defenses kick in to protect us from feeling pain; so we sooth ourselves by numbing, distraction, business, yelling, hiding, spending, hoarding, cutting, and so on. 

What gets us outside the window?
You name it, but let’s talk through it from the mom lens. When our kids whine, yell, say no, shut down, hit, throw something, spill something, lie. When our partner expresses disappointment in something we did or didn’t do. When our boss has unrealistic expectations for our work. When our in-laws critique our parenting. When our mom does not show up as the grandparent we hope she’d be. When we don’t get invited to the mom’s hang out, our brother does not contribute to extended family decisions or our partner forgets to take out the trash, again.

What causes you activation? 
Depending on our past experiences and current narratives we hold onto; some things will activate us more than others. I can see this in my marriage. Some things get under my skin that don’t trigger him as much and sometimes I’ll observe how activating something is to him that does not really bother me at all. For example, I am much more overstimulated by noise and quicker to irritation during lots of loud, which is life with two young kids. (Shout out to Loop earplugs.) Whereas, my husband is more bothered when a kid spills something, damages or breaks something. 

In and out of our window  
Daily, we will fluctuate in and out of our window. The goal is not to always be in the window. (Good luck if you try). Part of being human is caring about things and people and therefore life will always include stressors and triggers. The goal is instead to increase our awareness and choice around our response to these shifts. We can have language for what is happening, name it and then choose how we want to tame it, if we do. For example, in a recent therapy session for myself, I talked through with my therapist how it seemed like often, I’d just want to take a nap, but most of the time, I’d wake up more tired. I realized it was not that I was necessarily physically tired but instead I was overstimulated and was going into hypoarousal. That increases my ability to choose how I want to respond to the overstimulation when I recognize it happening. 

When outside the window
I recommend people see everything they try to help themselves when outside the window as an experiment to determine what is most effective for them. We’re individuals, just like our children are. Some kids will love drawing with “angry chalk” when upset and others will prefer a snuggle on the couch. We’re the same way. I encourage clients to play around with two various responses; a combination of nurturing and activating. 

Nurturing responses
I think of these responses as soft, slow, and gentle. Asking ourselves what brings us comfort? What feels cozy? What brings a sense of safety and feels soothing? Examples can include stretching, calming music, feeling a soft blanket, petting a cat, smelling a pleasant candle, box breathing, humminh. 

Activating responses
I think of these as more in your face, fast, quick responses. Asking ourselves what increases or changes my energy? What jolts me back to the present moment? What brings a sense of aliveness and courage? Examples can include adding cold (sucking on an ice cube, holding an ice cube, drinking ice water, splashing cold water on our face, fresh air), intense movement (15 squats, 20 jumping jacks) big smells (vicks vapor rub, orange essential oil) upbeat dancing, signing loudly.

Experiment away!