Your kid and behaviors

Kids behavior issues
All kids have behaviors at times that as parents, we’d like to change. Below are some things to consider. 

Radical acceptance 
In order to approach the behavior with the most love and compassion, it can help to start with a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skill of “radical acceptance.” This can look like taking some time to reflect on what we love about our kid and celebrating that internally. This can also include reflecting on the fact that if the behavior never changed, we would still love our child deeply and accept them profoundly. We radically accept all the parts of them; even the angry, jealous, scared, sad parts and how those emotions manifest in behaviors. We don’t allow all behaviors, but we do accept the emotions beneath them. 

Wise mind 
There is another concept in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy called “Wise mind.” This highlights the importance of utilizing both our emotional mind and rational mind when making decisions, responding, and reflecting. When we get stuck in cycles of behavior issues with our kids, it’s easy to fall into either an emotional mind or rational mind in how we respond to our child. When we get stuck in either one, they can appear the same on the outside, emotional mind may look like yelling or shutting down and rational mind can look like criticizing or controlling. So, we benefit from pausing in the moment, connecting with our wise mind and reflecting outside the moment on what our wise mind responses would look like in the future. To deepen this, we can visualize distress with our kids and then imagine our wise mind's response. 

Explore the possible root
Getting curious about some of the possible contributing factors to our child’s behavior can be helpful. What could be emotions underneath driving some of the behavior? Have there been any changes to my child’s life they are adjusting to? Does there seem to be a pattern with what happens before the behavior, the “antecedent"? Have I asked them about it outside the moment, when things are calm? Have we had one on one time lately and can I make that more consistent to foster our connection? If we have an idea of possible root causes, we can then focus on that alongside the behavior. 

Normalize the feelings through play 
If you have an idea of the possible feelings underneath, you can normalize them through play. Pretend to be the kid having a similar experience, exaggerated, and ask your kid to help you. Use toys to play out the struggle and ask your kid to help the toy figure out alternative options. Use random objects to pretend play the behavior issue, ie. paper towel roll having a hard time hitting when mad or a sock feeling afraid of the dark and screaming. Use silly voices, use items incorrectly, make big facial expressions and all of these can go a long way to help your child feel seen and understood and not alone in their challenge. 

Help your child connect the dots through story 
Our child’s brain is brilliant at noticing things and observing all around them. Dr. Becky says kids are better at noticing their environment than adults, and this has seemed to be true with my kids as they point out things to me that I did not notice around us frequently. I often say this to my kids, “Wow, you noticed that and I didn’t, you know kids are better at noticing things than grown ups.” Although they are great observers, they are not great interpreters of what they observe. So they have limited ability to connect the dots, accurately. This is a way we can support them.

We can tell the story of their behavior issues and emotions through words, song, pictures, toys. “You came home and didn’t realize grandpa was going to be here, you got surprised and maybe a bit scared and then hid and started hitting when your sister came to find you. You are always allowed to feel afraid and mad and I can’t let you hit your sister. You are a great kid who had a hard time. We were here to help you the whole time and dada offered you a hug and grandpa offered to play hide and seek with you.” You are highlighting points of safety for them and giving them an accurate, coherent narrative of what happened, so they don’t interpret it as though they are a bad kid, doubting their reality of what happened or feel alone in their experience.   

Get support
If you don’t have other friends who have children, make that a priority, whether through a structured parent support group or course or a local parents community group. We all need someone who can say, “I get it, me too, here’s my struggle, here’s what helped me, that’s so hard.” When one of my kids was starting school and I had my own anxieties, my therapist reminded me what Mister Rogers always said, “look for the helpers.” Teachers, aides, counselors, school staff, can all become part of your village as they typically have the same objective as you; to help your child thrive. 

Remember how magical your kid is 
Above all else, hold on to how magical your child is, inside and outside, regardless of behavior, what others say and what you see at times. Your kid is “mystical, magical,” and please say that in your head as Benson Boone sings it. If you’ve lost sight of this, spend one on one time together, look at pictures and plan a fun date or some unstructured time together. 

Ps. You have nothing to prove
Also, hold onto the belief that you have nothing to prove to anyone through your child’s behavior. Your worth as a parent is not on the line. <3