Bedtime…

Bedtime…
One of the hardest times of the day. Before becoming a parent, my visual of bedtime was snuggling next to a kid, reading them a book, relaxed, close, calm and overcome with feelings of warmth and connectedness. 

Reality
Well, let’s just say that’s far from my reality with two toddlers and bedtime. It’s often loud, they’re running around, upset about something, excited about something else, arguing over something, asking for every association ever made with bedtime. 

Opposing Desires
Dr. Becky says part of why bedtime is so hard is because we, kids and caregivers, have opposite desires. We want to separate for “our time” and they don’t want to separate from us. If you, like me, are in the thick of bedtime season, you know that overwhelming feeling of just wanting your kids to cooperate so you can “clock out” to yourself; whether that’s a book in bed, finishing a task, watching a show, sitting outside. 

Irritation 
Bedtime is on the top three for me when it comes to triggers that can lead me to feel frustrated and then speak with a short, irritated tone of voice with my kids, especially when doing bedtime solo. (Also on that list is transitioning to get in or out of the house and then when the kids argue verbally or physically.)

Solo bedtime
This week I did bedtime solo one evening and found myself getting frustrated with a kid’s meltdown, over wanting to switch the beds into opposite rooms, mind you. ;) After I tucked one in, I was with the one who was crying, whining and trying to say something which I could not understand and then I hear the other kid start banging on their door and I felt my body feel agitated, defeated and overwhelmed. My voice became extra irritated and slightly louder. It felt out of control and I just wanted control; my agenda, alone, out of the bedrooms to relax. 

“You hurt my feelings”
I transition to setting up a couple of things for bed in my kid’s bedroom and I hear them say, “you hurt my feelings.” Say what?! Immediately I ask them to repeat themselves because it’s so hard for me to believe they had access to that awareness and language. Sure enough, that’s what they said. I was so incredibly proud of them! Also, of course, like, shit, sucks to hear that from your kid AND ALSO that’s one of the greatest gift a child can give us! 

Repair
Immediately I walked over to lay by them and said, “I’m SO glad you told me that. I’m sorry mama talked in an irritated mean voice, I’m still learning how to be patient and that’s on me, not you, you are not bad and so good, I love you.” Ps. If only we could all learn to share vulnerably when our feelings were hurt to create closeness instead of going to shame, defensiveness or contempt, resulting in divisiveness.

So back to bedtime… 

These are reminders, mostly to myself, and also just in case it helps you as well with bedtime.   

Emotional Vaccination 
Dr. Becky describes this skill as taking a few moments to “vaccinate” ourselves against the emotion of the approaching triggering situation. This would look like me, ahead of time, reminding myself the situation will likely be hard, visualizing how I would like to respond to my children and care for myself in the stress. I would put my hands on my heart, gently soothe myself as I prepare for bedtime. 

Set Routine
Of course, a set routine helps everyone with transitions. I know that and I also know real life with kids among many other responsibilities, values and fluctuating capacities. I’ve found sometimes we’re better at this than others. For a long time we had a long standing bedtime routine that worked and then it just shifted, the kids were less interested, didn’t participate in the storytime and chaos ensued. We have not been able to nail it down since. So it’s kind of a routine and kind of… not, especially when I am doing bedtime solo. So, if I could decide first, the flow of getting upstairs, once we are upstairs and communicate that beforehand, that would be ideal. 

Slow Down 
Because I am so eager for my time after bedtime, I tend to rush; my body, the tasks, my words. Slowing down is actually a way to reduce anxiety, stress and can be a sign that we are progressing in trauma healing. So, a change I’d make is taking my time, doing everything at a slower pace; the diaper change, the outfit change, the tucking in, adjusting lights, sound machines, etc. 

Boundaries 
Dr. Becky says our job as caregivers is validation and boundaries. I am better at validation than I am boundaries and this plays out in bedtime struggles. Ideally, I’d like to set boundaries about expectations with books, toys, goodbyes, at bedtime. This requires some planning and communicating ahead of time, out of the moment, and it’s easier to just keep going on autopilot with all of the demands on us as parents. 

Hang in there and savor that moment when all the kids are asleep, I’ll be cheers-ing your way!