Cycle Breaking

Cycle Breaking
The moms I work with are working to break cycles they inherited from generations before them. We have advantages that other generations did not previously have; access to more information, more parenting educational resources, more mental health awareness. Of course all of this access creates its own set of problems; comparison, overstimulation, the belief that the answer is right around the corner. Other generations broke cycles in their own way based on their childhoods as well. 

What is cycle breaking?
I think of cycle breaking as reflecting on patterns, practices, habits, beliefs we inherited and deciding to cultivate different ones; whether just for ourselves, our children or the community. This can manifest in many different areas of life and I’ll include some common ones below. 

Addiction
Moms I work with who grew up in a home with a caregiver who had a substance use disorder are determined to not repeat patterns of addiction. They are mindful of their consumption of any substance, if they engage with any, and are aware of how it could impact their children. 

Sexuality 
Moms I work with who grew up in homes where sex was not discussed, or discussed as bad, gross, not to occur until marriage are determined to have an open dialogue with their children about sexuality. This looks like creating a safe place for their kids to ask questions, sharing accurate information with their kids and embodying that sexuality is good and pleasurable with enthusiastic consent.

Emotions 
Moms I work with who grew up in homes where any emotion outside of happiness was discouraged are determined to help their children feel safe expressing their sadness, anger, jealousy. Moms I work with may have experienced this through caregivers saying, “kids are seen and not heard, I’ll give you something to cry about, don’t be so sensitive,” through being ignored, threatened or criticized when expressing a developmentally appropriate spectrum of emotions.  

Expression 
Moms I work with who grew up in homes where expression was determined for them or extremely filtered; how they talk, what they wear, what they like, who they spend time with, their interests, their haircut are determined to empower their kids sense of expression. It feels important to them to give their child space to go inside themselves to determine what they like, what feels good to them and aligns with who they are becoming. 

Spirituality 
Moms I work with who grew up in homes where spirituality and religion was dictated for them; whether through mandatory attendance, forced spiritual practices, claiming the family believed a certain way, expecting behavior to align within the religious framework’s beliefs; are determined to allow their kids spiritual autonomy. They may include their child in spiritual practices and in a spiritual community; while giving their child permission and freedom to lean into their own spiritual beliefs and exposing them to a variety of paths. 

Stability 
Moms I work with who grew up in chaotic environments are determined to provide a sense of stability for their children. This may look like clear communication, expectation setting, preparation for any changes and supportive responses to a child’s difficulty with change. We can’t prevent change and ruptures from occurring in our kids’ lives, but we can be mindful of their impact and support our kids along the way.

Thoughts
Moms who I work with who grew up in cultures where their opinion did not matter, were belittled, laughed at or silenced are determined to make space for their children' s thoughts, opinions and perspectives. They are eager to learn from their kids, about their kids and are curious about them. These moms ask their kids questions, encourage them to reflect and cheer on their child' s differing thoughts and individuation. 

Hosting
Moms who I work with who grew up with caregivers who never had people over or always had people over may find themselves intentionally creating a different home environment when it comes to hosting. They may be more intentional about who they allow to come into the home and/or strategically make it a priority to host people. Some grew up with caregivers who were isolated, private and never had company and therefore it feels important to practice hosting with their children. They may release pressure for the house to look “perfect” before a guest comes over, set boundaries with guests and prepare their kids for what to expect with company.

Mental health
Moms who I work with who grew up with caregivers who did not believe in therapy and mental health, thought prayer solved it or did not make it a priority are determined to care for their own mental health as well as their children's. They are attending therapy appointments, taking medication, practicing awareness and assertiveness and making their wellbeing a priority; yes, even in motherhood.