I am bad - you are bad

I am bad, you are bad 
Is there any way to escape these thought traps? How often do you find yourself operating from one of these narratives? For me, they are all too easy to go to. 

My triggers for these thoughts
I am bad - parenting, marriage, work performance, lifestyle habits, social moments

You are bad - the two biggest for me are; politics and different parenting styles - also because of my background at times, I can find this attitude towards some christian circles as well, can come up in marriage as well towards my spouse.

Why does our brain go here? Well, for one, our brain loves clarity and efficiency. It’s efficient to put things in categories, boxes, labels; whereas leaving space for nuance, the grey, in between is not the most efficient. Also, it’s most clear for our brain if someone can be labeled or understood all bad. Our brains also love to understand why, to construct a narrative, to be able to understand a situation and so we find ourselves, unconsciously even, looking for somewhere to point the finger. 

Religious impact on these thought patterns
The influence of certain religious communities on creating, perpetuating and deepening these beliefs can not be overstated.

I am bad - From infancy, children are told the story of them being bad, sinners, evil; that their emotions, thoughts, desires can not be trusted or maybe even acknowledged. 

You are bad - Again, from infancy, children are taught that others outside the system are bad, lost, evil. The outside world can be seen as a threat, one to be avoided or converted. Anyone who disagrees, has a different opinion or questions the norms is seen as bad, satan is at work in them or living in sin. 

Shame and Contempt
Shame is the experience of “I am bad.” This is different from guilt which is, “I did something bad, or something against my values.” Shame is all encompassing, feels tied with our identity, worth and clouds our ability to make positive change for ourselves. Those with spiritual trauma are all too familiar with shame. They may find it’s a baseline for them, it may be what was used to parent them as a child, likely combined with fear. It is what is known to their nervous system, most familiar and therefore most comfortable; meaning, to not be in shame may actually feel more uncomfortable to them and so patterns of shame continue because breaking them feels so foreign. 

Contempt is the experience of “You are bad.” This is when we are stuck in judgment, resentment and are unable to see someone's humanity or goodness at their core. We may direct this toward an individual or a group of people. We may cling to assumptions, stereotypes or rumors about someone or a group and operate from that perspective. We tend to engage in what’s known as the “fundamental attribution error,” which is when we judge someone else’s actions as a character defect instead of situational factors; yet, when we have a similar action, we are more likely to attribute it to an external factor. For example; “they were late yesterday because they are irresponsible and I was late today because my kid had a meltdown.” 

Neither shame nor contempt feel good for anyone. The person feeling the emotions or the person on the receiving end.

When we feel shame or contempt 
Shame is a physiological experience which can include a stress response, such as fight, flight, freeze or fawn, the urge to avoid eye contact or look down, increased heart rate, urge to cry or isolate. Shame thrives in secrecy. When we feel shame, we may want to defend ourselves and then attack others, or cut off from emotional connection with others because it feels too overwhelming or painful. 

Contempt is a physiological experience which includes a stress response, often an increase in adrenaline and cortisol, or fight response; urges to criticize, ignore, mock, belittle another. We see someone through the lens of their behavior, or associations and affiliations, instead of their core humanity; our common humanity. 

2025
In 2025, man are shame and contempt rampant. Fuck, they are everywhere. 

What’s the antidote? 
Vulnerability over shame
Ek, vulnerability. This concept can certainly bring up mixed feelings. For those raised in some spiritual communities, vulnerability was forced, and this removes the agency and choice in vulnerability which is essential to it being helpful. So to be clear, vulnerability in a relationship that we deem safe enough to test the waters with our authenticity. 

Curiosity over contempt 
Ugh, being curious about someone I feel contempt towards is hard as fuck. It feels easier to demonize them, judge them and put them in a box as too far gone. Yet, truly, in my core, I’d like to hold onto that people are good inside and what we see on the outside is their “parts” (internal family systems model) activated and trying to protect them in some way. As Dr. Becky says; separating identity from behavior. So I can ask the questions, wonder and be curious to understand their history, experiences and perspectives better. I still may not agree, I may stand against their thoughts; but maybe not them as a human being. Common humanity, baby.