The B Word

The B word
Boundaries. Ok, you’ve heard all about them. You have learned about the importance of them, want to be better at them, and maybe have tried some that have been helpful. Yet, they still seem difficult to understand, grasp and put into place. 

“Who deserves your love” 
I recently read, “Who deserves your love,” by licensed professional counselor, KC Davis, and basically underlined every word in her chapters on boundaries. Her book includes helpful illustrations to demonstrate concepts, the eighth image being one of my favorites, to highlight our responsibilities vs. others’ responsibilities. I brought this image to my most recent therapy session as a client to dive deeper into how it applies to one specific situation in my life and then overall the complexity of living this way.

The image shows a fence between two individuals; representing where I end and you begin. On my side are my thoughts, feelings, reactions, desires, wants, etc and on the other side are your thoughts, feelings, reactions, desires, wants, and so on. It is my job to stay on my side of the fence and not take responsibility for everything on your side of the fence. This is how I can show up authentically in relationships. My therapist says, “boundaries protect our values.” 

Religious teachings impact on boundaries
Certain religious communities have left us confused about boundaries because of their teachings. All of these teachings in the name of God, mind you, the ultimate authority, wise figure, way to the “good life.” So, they hold weight. Often taught by people we respect, think represent God, may be a father figure, and assume are more “in the know” then us. 

In some religious circles:
Women are taught they are responsible for men' s behavior, their husband’s behavior. That it is their job to keep men free from lust and keep their husband satisfied; typically this means regular sex, dinner on the table and/or “submitting” to his opinion, decisions and actions as though he knows better. Talk about a recipe for codependency and overfunctioning. 

People are taught it’s their job to save… well literally, everyone, anyone; a stranger, family member, those local and those on another land. And the stakes could not be higher; saving people from eternal damnation; an eternity burning in flames. We are taught that “if we really care about people, have faith, believe in God,” we’ll risk the awkwardness and potential relational ruptures in the name of “spreading the gospel, winning souls.” Anotherwards - someone’s afterlife, eternity, becomes our responsibility and therefore there is a cycle of shame when we don’t say something, or we do share the “good news” and they reject it, it becomes a reflection of our lack of faith or deepens the need to keep trying, praying, convincing. We shame ourselves or maybe shame the other for not accepting, there is no space for two individuals to co-exist with different realities. Talk about jumping our side of the fence onto the other persons’ yard. 

Vulnerability is forced and therefore the opportunity to practice choice in the level of safety in a relationship is taken away. People may be in small groups that persuade individuals to share “sins, struggles,” or to form accountability partners without consent to the content and nature of the expectations of the relationship. In order for vulnerability to be healing and helpful; agency and choice must be a key component and if not, it’s coercion and damaging to someone’s sense of self, ability to decide for oneself and trust in others. 

People may experience that the spiritual leaders in their community are “responsible” for the congregation's actions, feelings, thoughts. Meaning, those in authority feel a sense of entitlement to control the members’ choices and internal experiences. There is an underlying assumption that the leaders will not be questioned, disagreed with, challenged; that there is no room for a different reality than those with power. That behavior outside of the leaders’ recommendation is “punished, criticized, sinful, work of the devil,” that those on the outside are “lost, need to be saved, not to be trusted.” 

One I often work with clients on is church teachings that encouraged, especially women, “to be meek, quiet, to submit, to please others, to not make waves or rock the boat.” Some teachings encouraged people to “keep peace,” and this often was modeled in going along with what others’ thought, agreeing and staying small. Girls were taught that men know best, their emotions could not be trusted to respect (not question)those in authority. If they disagreed with something, then something was wrong with them, their faith, prayer life, actions; it could not be that people had the freedom to have a different reality. 

So, yea, boundaries are hard to navigate
Many of us are left confused about what’s on our side and what’s on others’ side. Use this image, (go down to the tiny images and select the eighth one), for your reference, print it out, save the link in your phone, and pull it out for your relationship challenges. 

Being boundaried
Kc Davis talks about boundaries as “being boundaried.” I love this. I am being boundaried when I decide how I best need to take care of my time, emotions, responsibilities; I am not “setting boundaries” to control someone else. Being boundaried may be sharing how something hurt me or changing the subject when I am triggered. I get to decide, for myself, how to best care for myself; that is not someone else’s responsibility. I can make requests, for example with a relative who is caring for our kids, “Could you try to be on time when we agree to a childcare time?” but I can’t control whether or not that person complies with the request. Based on their behavior, I then decide how I want to proceed, to care for myself, not to change them. Do I want to continue asking them for childcare, only ask for certain occasions. If I depend on them for childcare, how can I adjust my expectations so I care for myself accordingly; asking them to come at an earlier time, adjusting the time of my appointments, seeking out alternative childcare options for the future. 

Return to sender
KC Davis explains that it’s not our job to carry the responsibility for the awkwardness or upset that the other person experiences based on our request, authenticity or feedback. I don’t have to carry the other persons’ emotions related to what I shared. She clarifies that we do have a responsibility to people; empathy, considering their feelings, being honest; so how we go about being authentic matters. We can’t be an ass and then say, “I’m not responsible for how you feel.” But, I can’t let the discomfort and fear of the other person’s reaction stop me from asking for what I’d like, sharing how I feel or standing up for myself.

Being boundaried is the key to authenticity
We get to choose how we show up authentically in each relationship. We decide if the relationship is one we’d like to stand up for ourselves or change the subject, create emotional or physical distance or share the impact of their behavior on our emotions. I can tell, based on so many factors, my instinct is to ignore my needs and feelings in a relationship and not stand up for myself. As I’ve practiced more of this, it has felt empowering and has improved my relationships because I have a clearer picture of the other person’s behaviors, not just my mind reading, assumptions and interpretations of their actions. 

Boundary vs. request
Her work reminds me of Dr. Becky’s work on boundaries that differentiates between a boundary and a request. A boundary is what I am going to do and does not require anything from my child. KC Davis says a boundary is internal; not something I say or do. This is quite different than how boundaries have been portrayed or discussed in other resources. The internal work is harder, deeper and focuses on us; not the other person. Boundaries are about my behavior; not someone else’s behavior.

Boundaries are internal work
This image and section in her book is helpful for doing the harder, deeper internal reflective work to improve our ability to “be boundaried.” She discusses how we all have sensitivities and when they get triggered we use our familiar defenses which then create our vulnerability cycle with another person. For example; let’s say a sensitivity for me is feeling a lack of financial security; maybe this gets triggered by my spouse spending more than I’d like on eating out; and then I react to them with a defense of criticism and shutting down. In this example, it’s my responsibility to identify that one of my sensitivities has been activated; engage in caring for myself through tending to my emotions and then communicating our sensitivity and how it was triggered; this is responding not from our defenses but from our authentic self. 

Related therapy models
I like to think of this as related to the therapy model Internal Family Systems, I can react from a “protective part,” ie. a defense or I can respond from my “Self,” my curious, compassionate, confident self. 

This is also similar to the therapy model AEDP’s, Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy, change triangle, which illustrates how we engage in defenses to avoid our core feelings, which causes us to be disconnected from our “core self.” 

So, all that to say, where y’all at with boundaries?
If you need support, check out KC Davis’s work! I also adore her other book, How to keep house while drowning, and it’s on my top 3 list for moms.