DBT Cope Ahead for Parents

Cope Ahead
Let’s problem solve together today by finding an area of parenting that is causing you stress. We’ll work to identify a plan to shift things to help your emotion regulation.

Cope ahead is a skill from dialectical behavioral therapy. I like the cope ahead idea because it reminds us of the agency that we do have, especially because so often parenting in the moment can feel out of control. We can feel confused, helpless and unsure. This skill reminds us that we can take a setback, intentionally reflect, and make changes that help the family system function more effectively.

Pick an Area
Start by picking which one you want to focus on-

Feeding
Dressing
Playing
Car rides
Bathing
Screens
Sleeping

Let’s normalize that likely all of these are causing us stress to some degree. We are not alone in this. All of them involve asking our kids to do things they do not want to do, so naturally, typically not fun for anyone involved.

Identify the trigger
What is it about this area that has been triggered you lately?

Let me share a personal example from the past. In the past, we would give our kids our bars in the car as a snack. This went on for a long time and eventually, I noticed I was getting irritated with them asking for a bar during every trip. After a while of this, I finally acknowledged and accepted the irritation and knew I had choice in how to proceed.

Decide on the new boundary
I realized I could set a boundary or expectation about bars in the car. It was not fair that an expectation had been set, (bars in the car), and then I was getting resentful in them choosing it. So I needed to change what was offered. I decided to no longer allow bars in the car and instead they would only be offered their water bottles.

You are the leader of your home. You get to decide what is ok and what is not ok. Your child does not decide this. Your child can have input, give you feedback, and that can be taken seriously, but that does not mean your decision needs to change. As Dr. Becky Kenned says, your job as the parent is boundaries, your kids job is expressing their feelings about the boundaries and then your job is to validate those feelings, while holding your boundary.

Prepare for the upfront discomfort
I knew I would just need to work through the initial disappointment and pushback from my kids. If I was willing to deal with the upfront discomfort, I could eventually no longer have to deal with the original trigger.

Remind yourself to expect your child to be disappointed, it’s their job, and therefore it’s ok and you can handle it. That both can be true; your new boundary and your child’s difficult feelings.

Make the change
So outside of the moment, I shared with my girls that there would no longer be bars in the car. I let them know I would make sure they were always offered a snack before we were getting in the car and that they could have their water bottles with them in the car. I acknowledged it may be difficult and I knew we’d get through it together.

Of course, don’t make the change on your hardest day. Do it outside of the frustration, and if possible, during a time when you feel regulated and have capacity to hold your child’s frustration.

Celebrate being the bad ass mom you are
And just like that, there were no more bars in the car. Car rides became much less stressful for me, at least in that regard. Score!

Next time you are in the triggering situation, after your change is put in place, take a moment to savor the fact that you made it happen! You reflected, decided and acted. You did this as an act of care for yourself and your children by increasing the cohesiveness of your family’s functioning and dynamics. \

Reflect and adjust the boundary as needed
Overtime, I’ve continued to adjust expectations and boundaries in car rides as things have all been changed. Things like boundaries about books and toys in the car, as an additional example.

You are always allowed to change our mind. Our kids developlemental abilities change, our capacities, triggers, time, energy, etc and all of these play into boundaries we choose and change. The boundary you decide on today, does not need to be the boundary that is in place 3 months from now.

Cope Ahead
Cope Ahead can be used in all of our life areas. We can use it to prepare for work, romantic relationship, family of origin, friendship triggers and all others.

You got this!