Maternal Instinct & Education
I recently read “The Good Mother Myth” by Nancy Reddy. The author reflects on their early motherhood journey, shares research on the attachment researchers and thoughts on current parenting advice culture.
In it, she discusses how love does not necessarily come naturally as a parent, nor does “maternal instinct,” that becoming a mother may not be at birth and instead in those moments when others around you help you learn how to become a mother.
Here’s the line that has stuck with me the most: “This is a throughline from Spock to today’s parenting gurus: they’re warm and encouraging, but you often feel just a little more on edge after you watch their latest video, a little more unsure of your parenting and, not coincidentally, more likely to open your wallet to pay for more guidance so you can finally do it right.”
I’ve been reflecting on if that describes my experience in the world of parenting advice, courses, books, online communities. I don’t know if I would say I would feel on edge after watching the latest video, but possibly, because what I would say is I always felt like I needed more, had never done enough, had to watch the next workshop, listen to the latest episode.
There’s this conversation about “maternal instinct,” in this book, and Dr. Becky’s recent podcast episode, about how potentially that narrative creates shame in moms, this sense of “why is this so hard, what’s wrong with me, what am I missing.” Essentially if this is supposed to all come naturally why do we feel like we don’t know what we are doing most of the time, question ourselves and have so much doubt about how to best support our kids in whatever the latest parenting challenge may be.
I can relate to the shame of mom life and wondering what am I doing wrong, what am I missing, why is this so hard; but I would say for different reasons than the “maternal instinct” narrative. I would say mine has actually been more connected to, shouldn’t this be easier because I have invested a lot of time, energy and money into the parenting workshops, books, communities, etc?
I have met with moms who have also invested a lot in the parenting world and I would say the hard remains the same in parenting; potty learning, meals, tantrums, sleep, the hard things remain the hard things. Even with the advice, experts, ideas; we can’t control what our kids eat, how they sleep, when, where and how they meltdown and I think quietly behind all of the consuming of the parenting content is this hope that we can figure out a way to control these things.
How can I help my kid sleep alone in their room throughout the night?
How can I help my kid try new foods?
How can I help my kid learn to regulate their difficult emotions?
How can I help my kid learn to shit in the potty instead of their underwear?
And my experience has just been, none of these are guarantees, even when we check off all the boxes of what was recommended by the experts.
So, when this happens, is what I find crucial to the conversation, how do we interpret the results? I did what the experts recommended and my kid still won’t sleep alone, lives on pasta, has meltdowns every 5 minutes and prefers peeing in their underwear…
Do we interpret this as-
I did something wrong in the expert’s protocol, let me study it some more
There’s something wrong with me
There’s something wrong with my kid
This didn’t work for my kid, maybe there’s another way
And truly, how can we know? Do we then need more expert advice? To spend more money on personalized support?
Did it not work because my kid has a sensory issue I am unaware of? Or my kid is just not ready? Is the expectation I have is not realistic? If I stayed with it two more weeks, would that make the difference?
Then we can get back on the research train, consuming more parenting content, the next workshop to find more answers, and this has been my experience in the never ending cycle of trying to “solve” the next parenting challenge.
I know parenting has not come naturally for me, that it does not feel like “maternal instinct.” I have learned a lot about kids development which has been beneficial in my connection to my kids and on focusing on my job and what I can control, but at the end of the day, when you want to help your kid learn how to use the potty, you want to help your kid learn how to use the potty. And when the results don’t come - if it has been presented in a way that makes it “clear, easy, simple” and it doesn’t end up being that way- what does that mean?
I don’t have answers, advice, recommendations; just observations on what it’s been like to parent in 2025.
Hugs to you mamas, it’s hard and I get it.