Some Stress is Good
In the “Good Mother Myth” by Nancy Reddy she shares a rat study that shows some stress is better than no stress for functioning. The study had 3 different sets of rats; one group that was with a mom coddled 24/7, another that was released for a mild shock and lastly a group that was handled by the researcher. When the rats reached maturity, the ones who had been cared for my mom 24/7 had the hardest time functioning; they wouldn’t move, crouched and peed. Turned out, a bit of experience with stress, differences helped the rats adjust better in maturity.
This probably makes sense to all of us, right? If one only knows safety, security and comfort and does not develop skills to handle stress, then one may crumble at the slightest stress. Jonathan Haidt discusses this also in “The Anxious Generation”, using the example of trees growing stronger when they encounter the stress of wind, verses trees which grow without the stress of wind.
On one hand, I think we get this is 2025 parents, that our kids getting frustrated and learning how to deal with it is good, healthy, helpful. We understand it’s best for them to learn these skills when they are at home with us so they are equipped when they leave the house.
There also seems to also be this narrative of worry over how damaging some current experience of our child’s may be in the future. We are more educated about childhood trauma, adverse experiences and how they connect to adult triggers and stressors. Many of us as parents have our own childhood wounds, trauma so we are vigilant about trying to protect our kids from similar experiences.
We want to free our kids from some of the burdens we have inherited. Burdens like not being able to ask for help, set boundaries, make peace with food, express sexual desire, share emotions openly, enjoy play and trust our own goodness. We want our kids to know that we understand they are kids and don’t expect them to be mini adults. We hope to help them build a relationship with their inner urges, desires, feelings and learn how to express them in effective ways.
Naturally, when we see them experience something stressful, it can be triggering for us as parents. Especially if it feels similar to something we experienced as a child also; peer rejection, loss of someone, a move, not making a team. We may worry they will internalize it as we did, that it will impact them in the same way and they’ll have the same difficulties we have had as an adult.
And, sometimes to try and prevent this, we may get caught up in fixing mode; trying to change the situation, dynamics and feelings about the event. We can get fixated on the circumstance, have ruminated thinking about it and internalize our child’s feelings about it.
Because we know the burden of childhood trauma and wounds, we become a warrior to guard our kids from these experiences. We study and focus on attachment, wanting to give our kids all the security, stability and confidence we never had.
Beautiful, loving, lovely goal and intentions, right? How could we want anything else for our kids? I think where it gets complicated is how we go about trying to do this for them, how it impacts us and how we interpret their hardships.
How we go about trying to do this for them
Researching online for hours, completing all of the courses, listening to all of the podcasts, reading all of the books
Trying to control situations, events, dynamics
Stay hypervigilant about their experiences, feelings, thoughts
How it impacts us
We’re exhausted and overwhelmed because there is always the next parenting challenge
We’re left feeling not good enough because there’s no way to control these things
We’re afraid of the impact of the world on our kids and aren’t sure where to give freedom and where to set limits
How we interpret their hardships
We’re afraid an event is going to become a checked box on the “ACE” score
This event could be linked to their sense of self and one day and their focus in therapy
They are going to struggle like me, I’ve screwed them, I didn’t do enough to protect them from this situation or narrative
Is this progress in the parenting world?
Yes, in the sense that we have more awareness, education and understanding.
And no, in the sense that, we are more anxious, fixated and feel more pressure to “do it right.” While, at the same time, being sold countless programs and resources on how to “crush it, win, fix, tackle, conquer, end, solve…”
And while these programs may provide helpful ideas and tips, they don’t “solve” the distress of being a parent, the next parenting challenge around the corner and often, the sleep, meals, potty, tantrums are similar to before you completed the expert advice.