The Dreaded Mental Load

Ok. Stop reading if you want answers, because I don’t have them. I only offer solidarity, some things I’ve tried and maybe some hope?! This conversation is often full of contempt, rage, resentment and I certainly have felt all those things and continue to at times. 

I resonated with this line from “The Good Mother Myth,” Nancy Reddy writes, “I learned just enough about invisible labor and mental load to make myself mad, but not enough to figure out how to stop doing so much of it.”

Many things have been recommended to help with mental load, the number one being, “FairPlay,” which is a set of cards, book and a documentary. Each card represents a care task and the idea is to divide them up and assign them between the couple. Whichever card you occupy, you are responsible for the CPE, which stands for the conception, planning and execution of that task. I’ve read the book and used to own the cards, love the idea but having to use the physical cards were a barrier to us putting it into practice. 

So, I found a digital resource, “The Mental Load Workbook” by sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her partner, Xander. Like many ideas in family life, we started completing it and never finished. It can just feel overwhelming and daunting and complicated when kids are in the mix. How do I add “think about kid’s eating habits and adjust accordingly?” and does that fall on just one caregivers’ plate? (no pun intended ;).

Other factors make it confusing as well, such as, if one partner is at home, around tasks more, does that change things? If one partner is home with the kids, which of course is work, does that shift the expectations? Or if one partner is home with the kids and also works PT and the other works outside the home FT? What about mental and physical conditions changing individuals’ capacity and energy? 

I know, as someone who has been conditioned as a female,, I have felt responsible for how our home looks, like it’s a reflection of me and my male partner has a very different experience of this. I have felt like it’s my job to figure this mental load problem out, (also because it’s more of a problem for me), to look ahead and plan for approaching kids' milestones. I am home with the kids most of the time, work part time and my partner works outside the home FT, so it’s been hard for me to know what feels like equal responsibility and fair expectations for both of us. 

The Mental load stress causes conflict in relationships, distance and unspoken resentments alongside lots of spoken resentments. A partner can become burnt out on trying to find effective ways to ask for help, feel alone in the direction of the family and like everything rests on their shoulders. 

Our couples therapist recommended that my partner and I meet weekly or biweekly to talk about the calendar, tasks and work around our current schedule structures to plug in other items. We used to meet and it would often end in conflict because I felt resentful that I was the only one adding items to the list. This time around, I’m going to try and accept that in the beginning, I may be the only one adding to the list and over time, my partner will more as well. Also, my partner is different from me in the sense that, they may have a thought and are less likely to add it to a note, than I am, they are less of a digital communicator and much prefer face to face dialogue. 

And that’s part of what has made all this mental load stuff tricky as well. What is patriarchy and what are aspects of my partner’s temperament? He’s more easy going, go with the flow, more in the moment and he has had family dynamics, white male privilege that has afforded him this. Those laid back qualities in him do support us as a family and also cause me to feel resentful and alone at times in being the one who has been conditioned to be on top of things, thinking about the next thing, responsible for it all. 

I think the mental load conversation is also changed by where the other partner is at in all of this. Is the partner receptive to these ideas? Closed off and does not see a problem? That is going to determine the flexibility and capacity for change in the current dynamic. If your partner won’t participate in these conversations with you, that’s different from a partner who is trying to learn and receptive to ideas.

I think part of the hope I want to leave you with is that, if you don’t have it figured out, you’re in good company. There are things recommended that may or may not work for you and if they don’t, it does not mean you’re doing anything wrong or there’s something wrong with you. 

I’m in the messy middle of mental load and it may be too bold to say this, but maybe it’s ok to be ok being there. The more I have released and tried less to control, the more I have actually noticed all my partner does to help. I also recently looked at a pile of stuff in our bedroom corner and thought to myself, I can choose to see that as another task I have not done, one my partner likely won’t tackle without my asking and also I can see that pile as evidence of my choosing rest right now over organizing, and that is a choice to be celebrated.