How to Set Boundaries and Ask for What You Need (With Less Guilt)
How to Set Boundaries and Ask for What You Need (With Less Guilt)
Do you struggle to say no? Do you worry about upsetting people when you ask for help? Do you feel responsible for everyone else's emotions while ignoring your own needs?
If you're nodding your head, you're not alone. As a therapist in Canal Fulton, Ohio who specializes in people-pleasing and childhood trauma, I work with women every day who find themselves exhausted from overgiving, confused about where they end and others begin, and terrified to ask for what they need.
Setting healthy boundaries and making requests might sound simple in theory, but if you grew up in environments where your needs didn't matter, where you were taught to always put others first, or where asking for something felt dangerous—these skills can feel nearly impossible.
The good news? Boundaries and making requests are learnable skills. And understanding why they've been so hard for you is the first step toward change.
What Are Boundaries, Really?
Let's start by clearing up a common misconception: boundaries are not about controlling other people. They're about taking responsibility for yourself—your time, your energy, your emotions, your needs.
Boundaries Are Internal Work
Licensed professional counselor KC Davis, author of "Who Deserves Your Love," explains that a boundary is actually internal—not something you say or do to someone else. This is quite different from how boundaries are often portrayed in popular psychology.
Boundaries are about your behavior, not someone else's behavior.
Think of it this way: there's an invisible fence between you and every other person in your life. On your side of the fence are your thoughts, feelings, reactions, desires, and wants. On their side are their thoughts, feelings, reactions, desires, and wants.
Your job is to stay on your side of the fence and not take responsibility for everything on their side. This is how you show up authentically in relationships. As my therapist says, "Boundaries protect our values."
Being Boundaried vs. Setting Boundaries
KC Davis talks about boundaries as "being boundaried"—and I love this reframe. You are being boundaried when you decide how you best need to take care of your time, emotions, and responsibilities. You are not "setting boundaries" to control someone else.
Being boundaried might look like:
Sharing how something hurt you
Changing the subject when you're triggered
Deciding how much emotional energy you have for a particular relationship
Choosing not to engage in a conversation that feels harmful
Taking space when you need it
You get to decide, for yourself, how to best care for yourself—that is not someone else's responsibility.
Boundaries vs. Requests
It's helpful to understand the difference between a boundary and a request:
A request is asking someone else to do something: "Could you try to be on time when we agree to a childcare time?"
A boundary is what you will do based on their response: "Based on whether they're consistently on time, I'll decide if I continue asking them for childcare or seek alternative options."
You can make requests, but you can't control whether someone complies. Based on their behavior, you then decide how you want to proceed to care for yourself—not to change them.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard (Especially If You Grew Up in Religious Communities)
Certain religious communities have left many of us deeply confused about boundaries because of their teachings. And these teachings carry weight because they came in the name of God—the ultimate authority—often from people we respected, who we thought represented God, who may have been father figures we assumed were "in the know."
Common Religious Messages That Damaged Boundaries
Women are responsible for men's behavior. In some religious circles, women are taught it's their job to keep men free from lust and keep their husbands satisfied through regular sex, dinner on the table, and "submitting" to his opinions and decisions as though he knows better. This is a recipe for codependency and overfunctioning.
It's your job to save everyone. People are taught it's their responsibility to save literally everyone—strangers, family, those local and abroad—from eternal damnation. When someone's afterlife becomes your responsibility, there's a cycle of shame when you don't share the gospel or when someone rejects it. There's no space for two individuals to co-exist with different realities. This is jumping your side of the fence onto another person's yard.
Forced vulnerability without consent. People may be pressured to share "sins and struggles" in small groups or form accountability partners without true consent to the nature and expectations of the relationship. Vulnerability is only healing when agency and choice are present. Without that, it's coercion and damages your sense of self.
Leaders control members' internal experiences. Spiritual leaders may feel entitled to control the congregation's choices, thoughts, and feelings. There's an underlying assumption that leaders won't be questioned or disagreed with, that behavior outside their recommendation is "sinful" or "the work of the devil," and that those on the outside are "lost" and "not to be trusted."
Be meek, quiet, and please others. Church teachings often encouraged women especially to "not make waves or rock the boat," to "keep peace" by going along with what others thought, agreeing and staying small. Girls were taught that men know best, their emotions couldn't be trusted, and they should respect (not question) those in authority. If they disagreed, something was wrong with them, their faith, their prayer life—not that people have the freedom to different realities.
The Result: Confusion About Your Side of the Fence
Many of us are left confused about what's on our side and what's on others' side of the fence. We don't know where we end and others begin. We feel responsible for everyone's feelings. We can't tolerate others' discomfort. We don't ask for what we need because we've been taught our needs don't matter.
Sound familiar?
How to Practice "Being Boundaried"
Return to Sender: Not Your Responsibility
KC Davis explains that it's not our job to carry the responsibility for the awkwardness or upset that another person experiences based on our request, authenticity, or feedback. You don't have to carry other people's emotions related to what you shared.
She clarifies that we do have a responsibility to people—empathy, considering their feelings, being honest—so how we go about being authentic matters. You can't be rude and then say, "I'm not responsible for how you feel."
But you also can't let the discomfort and fear of another person's reaction stop you from asking for what you'd like, sharing how you feel, or standing up for yourself.
Being Boundaried Is the Key to Authenticity
You get to choose how you show up authentically in each relationship. You decide if the relationship is one where you'd like to stand up for yourself or change the subject, create emotional or physical distance, or share the impact of their behavior on your emotions.
I can tell, based on so many factors, my instinct is to ignore my needs and feelings in a relationship and not stand up for myself. As I've practiced more of this, it has felt empowering and has improved my relationships because I have a clearer picture of the other person's behaviors—not just my mind reading, assumptions, and interpretations of their actions.
Identify Your Sensitivities and Defenses
KC Davis discusses how we all have sensitivities (emotional reactions to current events based on past events), and when they get triggered, we use our familiar defenses, which then create our vulnerability cycle with another person.
For example: Let's say a sensitivity for me is feeling a lack of financial security. This gets triggered by my spouse spending more than I'd like on eating out, and then I react with a defense of criticism and shutting down.
In this example, it's my responsibility to:
Identify that one of my sensitivities has been activated
Engage in caring for myself through tending to my emotions
Communicate my sensitivity and how it was triggered—responding from my authentic self, not my defenses
Related therapy models: If you're familiar with Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, I can react from a "protective part" (a defense) or I can respond from my "Self" (my curious, compassionate, confident self). This is also similar to AEDP's (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) change triangle, which illustrates how we engage in defenses to avoid our core feelings, causing us to be disconnected from our "core self."
How to Ask for What You Need (A Practical Guide)
Now let's talk about the practical skill of making requests. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) has a skill called "making a simple request" that breaks down how to ask for something effectively.
Step 1: Identify the Issue
What's bothering you, or what do you need or want? Sometimes this is the hard part—knowing what you want. Other times it's obvious to you, but you have barriers blocking your ability to express your request.
Examples:
"I'm a bit warm"
"I asked for no milk"
"I need to be there by 12:30pm"
Step 2: Make a Kind, Direct Request
Ask in a kind and simple way. Ask directly for your request. As Brené Brown says, "Clear is kind." Avoid sugarcoating the request, being vague, or downplaying its importance to you.
Examples:
"Do you mind turning on the AC?"
"Could you remake the drink with no milk?"
"Would it be okay if we left at 11:30 instead of 12?"
Step 3: Express Appreciation
Add a phrase of appreciation to your request, indicating you're on the same team, collaborating on an issue, not against one another. Acknowledge that your request may create discomfort for them and would be meaningful and helpful to you if they were able to comply or negotiate.
Examples:
"Thank you for helping me out"
"I appreciate it"
"That would make a big difference for my peace of mind"
Step 4: Know Your Other Options
Be mindful of other options you have if they don't agree to your request. You can't control others' choices, only your own. A request may or may not be agreed to, and you can't determine that for someone else. Therefore it's helpful to know you have other options for meeting your needs or wants.
Examples:
I'm going to take my jacket off
Go to a different room
Drive myself
Order a new coffee
Go to a different coffee shop
Ask someone else to give me a ride
Why You Struggle to Ask for What You Need
Understanding the barriers helps you work with them instead of against them. Here are common beliefs that keep you stuck:
"I Don't Deserve It"
You may have an unconscious belief that you don't deserve someone's help or support, so you try to do it all on your own and be as "easy" as possible. This often comes from childhood experiences where your needs were dismissed, ignored, or punished.
"I'll Look Weak"
You may see asking for something as a sign of weakness, a lack of independence and capability, so you strive to figure everything out yourself. This is especially common if you were raised to be self-sufficient or if asking for help wasn't safe.
"I Will Upset Them"
You get uncomfortable when someone else is upset, so you don't ask for anything that could cause distress in someone else. You take responsibility for their emotions and can't tolerate that your request may cause a burden. This is classic people-pleasing rooted in survival patterns.
"I Can't Depend on Anyone"
You've been let down and disappointed by others and start to protect your heart by only depending on yourself. You don't ask for help because you don't believe anyone will help, or if they do, that it will be as helpful as doing it yourself.
"I Don't Know What I Want"
You may be unsure what you actually want or need in a situation and have a lack of clarity on your feelings about something. If you don't know, it leaves you confused, debating in your mind, isolated in your experience, and engaging in unclear dialogue with others.
How to Work With Your Barriers
Test the Waters
Experiment with the opposite of your beliefs in small, manageable, and also slightly anxiety-provoking ways. Can you ask for something while still feeling like you don't deserve it? In other words, do the behavior first and hope that eventually the feelings will follow.
The more you exercise the muscle of asking for something, the more likely your core beliefs about yourself—about having needs and wants—will shift to more adaptive beliefs.
Practice Tolerating the Discomfort
Likely, you'll feel uncomfortable, weird, nervous, awkward because you're creating a new behavioral pattern, new neural networks, and shifting automatic patterns that have been in place for decades.
Practice noticing your discomfort, offering yourself some stabilization and soothing, then proceeding forward. Remind yourself that you're capable of tolerating discomfort—the discomfort of someone saying no, getting upset, letting you down, or seeing you as weak.
Stabilization and Soothing Strategies
Stabilization strategies:
Tighten and release muscles one group at a time
Inhale then exhale with a loud sigh
Suck on an ice cube
Smell an essential oil that is soothing or energizing
Shake your body for 30 seconds
Soothing strategies:
Hand on heart: "This pain is temporary, I will get through it"
Palms on cheeks: "Of course this is hard, that makes sense"
Hands on thighs: "I'm trying something new, I feel proud of myself"
Self hug: "I can help myself and how I feel, I have options and am not trapped"
Remember: Nervous Means New, Not Bad
A fellow mom shared this in a group last year and it's always stuck with me. I use it for myself when nervous and share it with my kids when they're nervous. Hang on to this reminder when you're trying something new—asking for something, setting a boundary, showing up authentically.
Nervous means you're doing something different. That's growth.
When People-Pleasing Runs Deeper: Getting Professional Support
If you've tried to set boundaries and ask for what you need but keep falling back into old patterns, there may be deeper work to do. People-pleasing, difficulty with boundaries, and the inability to ask for help are often rooted in:
Childhood trauma or neglect
Growing up in controlling or authoritarian environments
Religious trauma and purity culture
Codependent family systems
Emotional abuse or manipulation
As an LPCC in Canal Fulton, Ohio, I specialize in helping women heal from these patterns using EMDR and Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. Together, we can:
Identify where your people-pleasing patterns come from
Heal the younger parts of you that learned boundaries weren't safe
Build skills to ask for what you need while reducing guilt
Practice being boundaried in relationships
Break generational cycles of codependency
You don't have to figure this out alone. [Schedule a free consultation] to start reclaiming your voice and your needs.
Resource for Going Deeper
"Who Deserves Your Love" by KC Davis - Excellent resource on boundaries, sensitivities, and defenses
DBT skills training - Learn practical tools for emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. These will help you manage your distress when setting a boundary.
IFS therapy - Understand your protective parts like people pleasing and avoiding conflict and access your authentic Self.
Frequently Asked Questions About Boundaries and Asking for What You Need
Q: What's the difference between being selfish and having boundaries?
A: Boundaries are about taking care of your own needs and emotions, not controlling others. Selfishness is prioritizing yourself at the expense of others without regard for their wellbeing. Healthy boundaries actually improve relationships because you show up more authentically and with less resentment. You can't pour from an empty cup.
Q: How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty?
A: Guilt often comes from old beliefs that your needs don't matter or that you're responsible for others' emotions. Start by identifying where those beliefs came from (family, religion, past relationships). Practice "being boundaried" in small ways while tolerating the discomfort. Remind yourself that boundaries protect your values and that other people's emotions are not your responsibility to manage. The guilt will lessen as you prove to yourself that boundaries make relationships better, not worse.
Q: What if someone gets upset when I set a boundary?
A: Their upset is not your responsibility. You have a responsibility to be kind and empathetic in how you communicate, but you're not responsible for managing their emotional reaction. People who are used to you having no boundaries may react negatively when you start having them—this is actually information about the health of that relationship. Healthy people respect boundaries even if they're disappointed.
Q: How do I know what I need if I've spent my whole life ignoring my needs?
A: This is common for people-pleasers and those with childhood trauma. Start by paying attention to your body—tension, discomfort, exhaustion are all signals. Ask yourself: "What would feel good right now?" or "What would make this situation easier for me?" Practice in low-stakes situations. Therapy, especially IFS or somatic approaches, can help you reconnect with your needs and desires.
Q: Is it okay to ask for help even if I could technically do it myself?
A: Absolutely yes. Asking for help is not about whether you're capable—it's about conserving your energy, building connection with others, and acknowledging that you don't have to do everything alone. Healthy relationships involve mutual support. You don't have to earn the right to ask for help by being incapable.
Q: How do I set boundaries with family members who don't respect them?
A: Remember that a boundary is about your behavior, not theirs. You can't make them respect your boundary, but you can determine your response. For example: "I've asked you not to comment on my parenting. If you continue, I'll have to get going.," or a less direct approach is changing the subject, walking away, or leaving without sharing the reason. It may feel uncomfortable, but consistency is key. Some family members may never "get it," and you'll need to decide how much contact feels healthy for you.
Q: What if my religious community taught me that boundaries are selfish?
A: Many religious communities confuse boundaries with lack of love or service. But you cannot truly serve others from a place of resentment, exhaustion, or self-abandonment. Even Jesus modeled boundaries—he withdrew to pray alone, he said no to demands, he prioritized his mission over pleasing everyone. Healthy boundaries are actually aligned with loving yourself and others well. If you're struggling with religious trauma around boundaries, therapy can help you separate healthy faith from harmful teachings.
Ready to stop people-pleasing and start honoring your needs? If you're a woman in Canal Fulton, Massillon, or Stark County, Ohio struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing, or asking for what you need, I can help. I specialize in treating childhood trauma, religious trauma, and codependency using EMDR and IFS therapy. Schedule a free consultation to start your healing journey.
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