No Perfect Choice

Are you, like me, a...
Recovering perfectionist?
Recovering fundamentalist?
Recovering black and white thinker?
Recovering codependent?

Gentle reminder: There's no perfect choice 
I read this idea in the book, "Worrying is Optional, written by licensed clinical social worker Ben Eckstein, who specializes in the treatment of anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder." The book discussed  how every choice is a sacrifice in some regard to other values we hold. The author used the example of caring about protecting the climate and also wanting to be able to drive a minivan to transport their children, by choosing to drive their kids they are sacrificing some of their care for the climate.

Choice making 
I have found making choices quite challenging since motherhood especially. I find myself in inner conflict because I want there to be a perfect choice. I want there to be a perfect decision about scheduling, relationships, finances, education and so on, but when I can remember there is no such thing, it can help take the pressure off.

Choice ≠ Identity 
I also catch myself too tightly tying my choices to my identity. For example, "Snuggles with kids or get up and have creative time for myself?" If I can let go of my identity, the perception of others and instead, go internal, I can make the choice for myself, without it reflecting my identity. I can trust the foundation of me being a good mom, professional, and therefore not needing this choice to prove that, because it's already true.

As moms, not letting ourselves win either way 
I often find as moms, regardless of what we choose, we don't let ourselves off the hook. "I'm working full time so I don't get time with my kids, but I do value my career or I choose to work because of our finances. I want to see a friend but feel bad asking my partner to watch the kids." We have a difficult time accepting others' feelings, disappointment and we've been conditioned to not ask for what we want or need. So we avoid making waves, rocking the boat, or accepting our choice. We get stuck in black and white thinking about choices and optons instead of practicing self compassion and nuance in our options. We forget the big picture or to contextualize our choices.

We can't do it all 
It seems like in mom life there is always advice about more we need to "do, do, do, do..." and it can become overwhelming. In 2025, we also are more frequently in touch with content that is showing us something new to consider trying, doing, buying, reading. We can feel like our kids might miss out if we don't take time to consider it or it may be just the thing that solves all of our parenting problems.

Making peace with the 10,000 things on your mind
It seems like at any given point there are 100 things that go through my mind about things I "could or should" do in parenting; ie. I need to adjust something about eating, sleeping, routines, and I'm learning that will just always be the case. There will always be things that cross my mind, but that does not mean all of them need to be attended to or are urgent.

Awareness vs. Attention 
I can be aware of the different thoughts and ideas and then choose whether or not I give them attention. I can't choose what pops into my awareness, but I can choose what I pay attention to, ie. do I write it down to think about later, make a decision in that moment, collaborate with my partner about it or decide it's not important or urgent so I'm going to shift my attention.

What's important to you as a mom and also, what do you enjoy?
We can't do it all, be the mom who makes homemade snacks, cleans the sheets weekly, writes lunch box notes, plans homemade crafts, teaches our kids how to garden, plans big parties - we can just be the mom we are and then also choose who we want to be a mom based on what is important to us and also what we enjoy. For example, I enjoy cooking so my kids will have opportunities to learn about that from me but things like French braiding hair, probably is not going to happen with me. And I can accept that I will not be that mom, because I can't be "that mom" in every category.

Privilege & disability
Our privilege and disabilities will also play a role in the capacity we have for certain options. I know it can be tempting to compare ourselves to other moms, truly, we don’t know their privileges or disabilities, and other factors that play a role in how things are going for them. Let us stay on our side of the fence and focus on our needs, wants, desires, feelings and kids.

Gaze Inward First
As Dr. Becky says, let us gaze inside before you gaze outside to make your choice.