The parts of us

IFS
I want to share about a therapy model I love called Internal Family Systems, or IFS, created by the psychologist Dr. Richard Schwartz. It teaches that inside all of us are many parts: some that protect us, and some that carry pain.

Before I dive into the model and how it can support us with going inside. I want to share a story with you that will help illustrate key components of Internal Family Systems. 

Second date
I want to tell you about my second date with my spouse. We’d worked together for a couple of years on a small team, just three of us. So I knew him fairly well and admired his character. We were always platonic, until I put in my notice to shift gears and go to grad school for counseling. 

Our first date was top notch, one for the books and then it came time for our second. It was an all-day Saturday date, breakfast, biking in Philly, and a Backstreet Boys concert to end the night. 

The day was so fun, we had a blast, laughed a ton and then dinner happened. And I just got silent. Completely quiet. Blank expression. And this lasted… well.. through the rest of the night. 

Outside vs. inside
So all my poor date saw was me, quiet and shut down, which I think most would agree, usually reads as, ‘she’s not into me.’

But that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Because inside, I had realized how much I cared for him, and that terrified me, because it meant I could be abandoned by him someday.
On the outside I looked uncaring, uninterested, blank, maybe even mad to be there.
But inside, I was absolutely terrified. My heart was whispering, “you know loving him is such a risk. Remember how it felt as a kid when you were left by someone you loved? Let’s not go through that again.”

It was an old, protective pattern kicking in,  if I act like I don’t care, maybe I won’t get hurt. I’ll reject you before you can reject me. If I shut down and hide, I don’t have to feel the fear. 

So let’s talk about what was happening here through the IFS model. 

Exiles
The parts that carry pain are called our exiles. These are the wounded pieces of us, the child who felt unseen, the teen who was shamed, adult who felt unworthy. They hold our tender emotions and the false beliefs we picked up to survive: “I’m too much,” “I’m not enough,” “It’s not safe to need.” When something in the present brushes against those old wounds, we feel a flash of sensitivity, like someone pressed on a bruise. 

Protectors
And for all of us, that’s when our protectors step in. These are the parts that rush to keep us safe,  by controlling, performing, people-pleasing, numbing, working harder, joking, withdrawing, or getting angry. Their goal isn’t to harm; it’s to help. They’re just using outdated maps, drawn long before we had better ways to navigate our pain. 

IFS’s goal
The goal with IFS is to get to know these parts, to get a sense of how they’ve been trying to help you, and to see that they are a part of you, not all of you.

Your sensitivities
So let’s think about identifying your top sensitivities.
What feels threatening to you, what do you never want to feel again? What makes you feel insecure?
Common sensitivities: Fear of unworthiness, fear of rejection, fear of loss of control, fear of vulnerability, fear of uncertainty, fear of being misunderstood 

Your defenses
Let’s look together at identifying some of your top defenses.
What behavior do you struggle to change in your life? What behavior is getting in the way? How do you respond when you feel not good enough?
Common defensives: Control, performance, avoidance, self-righteous, care taking, people pleasing, blame, numbing, aggressive, withdrawal

Second date sensitivities and defenses
In the story of our second date, my sensitivity was fear of rejection and abandonment and my defense was to withdrawal and shut down.

Fortunately for me, he had known me for a couple of years so he knew I was more than whatever was happening during this very confusing second date. He knew who I actually was and so, luckily for me, there was a third date. 

Self
And him being able to see through this part, connects to another important key idea in this IFS model: It teaches that beneath all those parts is something deeper, the true essence of who we are: our Self, Calm, Curious, Compassionate, Confident, Clarity, Creative, Courageous, and Connectedness. IFS teaches that this is who we truly are at our core. Not just the sum of all of our parts. Carry this with you today as your parts get tangled up, that you can rest in knowing, they are here to help you and also, your essence is the Self.