Purity Culture: Understanding the Lasting Impact on Sexuality, Shame, and Relationships
Purity Culture: Understanding the Lasting Impact on Sexuality, Shame, and Relationships
Why I'm Writing About This Now
I'm finding purity culture to be a recurring thread in my work with clients. New people are reaching out specifically with concerns about sexual issues related to their experiences in purity culture. The impact runs deep, and it's time we talk openly about it.
The purity culture I'm most familiar with is entangled with the evangelical Christian church, though it manifests in different flavors and institutions. Before we dive in, I want to acknowledge that this post is full of gendered language—and that's simply because this is how purity culture is represented and experienced. There is no room for other genders in these communities. It is completely gendered and has different and similar impacts on each gender. I do not know enough yet about the trans experience in purity culture and would love to know more. I am very much open to feedback on ways I could present this in a way that does not perpetuate the gendered language while remaining accurate to the purity culture experience.
The Broad Spectrum of Purity Culture Teachings
There's a wide range of common teachings in purity culture, and some communities emphasize certain messages more than others or more intensely than others. Lots of factors determine how much someone is impacted by purity culture: where you attended and therefore what was taught and how it was taught, your temperament, how your caregivers interacted with the beliefs, your relationship with faith leaders, how bought in you were to the beliefs, the amount of exposure you had to alternative ideas, and your connection to other peers in the community.
The Unique and Unfair Burden on Women
You're Responsible for His Behavior
Girls are taught that their behavior drives boys' behavior—and therefore they are responsible. This is typically heavily emphasized in cautioning girls about what they wear because it's a "temptation, distraction, stirs up lust and/or is sinful." There are similarly based teachings when it comes to marriage: essentially, "make sure you are sexually pleasing your man so that he does not have an affair." In extreme examples, girls are taught not to question sexual abuse by a male figure because it was her fault anyway.
This hyperresponsibility placed on women feeds into similar religious teachings that drive people-pleasing and perfectionism behaviors in women.
The Exhausting Cycle
It becomes a cycle that feeds itself because the female gender is conditioned to please and therefore wants to do purity culture "right" and internalizes the pressure to make it happen. She strives to make sure she doesn't show cleavage, her shorts are long enough, she doesn't go "too far" with a boy—although there is never a clear line about what "too far" is, so it all feels grey, murky, confusing, and overwhelming. She is left feeling like she has to know more, do more, work harder, try better and essentially, not enough.
What Purity Culture Does to Men
The male gender is presented as though they have no control or agency, and therefore the female gender must have their back and essentially hold up the "purity" in the relationship. This has been such a disservice to both genders. It paints an unfair picture of a man's ability, capability, and integrity.
So you have a generation of boys growing up believing their sexuality is scary, daunting, to be controlled, bad—and that they need to learn ridiculous techniques to stop them from masturbating. It leaves men feeling as though their sexuality is too big, or if their desire is low, that something is wrong with them.
It is presented, whether directly or indirectly, in purity culture that men are sexual and women are just... there, willing but not really into it. This narrative is damaging to everyone.
The Masturbation Shame
In purity culture, it's expected that you do not masturbate, and if you do, it's sinful and something to be fought against. Exploring our bodies and pleasure is a normal part of development, and purity culture just coats it with mountains of shame. Remember, this is being taught to kids whose brains are still forming and who are constantly looking for ways to make sense of the world—a vulnerable stage.
My Experience as a "Sexual Addiction" Client
When I entered purity culture in later adolescence and young adult years, I thought there was something clinically wrong with me because of porn and masturbation habits. I was even a client in a Christian counseling clinic for sexual issues. I never had an adult in my life talk to me about porn or educate me (outside of purity culture teachings), and so I was lost in my own world trying to make sense of my sexuality.
One Way: The Prescribed Path
In this world, there is one way. No porn, no masturbation, no sex before marriage. It's all prescribed, already decided, one size fits all—and let's be real, rarely attainable, if attainable, for the majority of people. If you go out of that norm, it's bad, sinful, and therefore internalized as such.
Instead of equipping people to decide their values and make choices accordingly, the values are dictated to you. All the while, any alternative ideas or outside information is discouraged or condemned. You're left with people who are unable to gather information, make decisions, and trust in their own intuition.
The Sexual Education Gap
In purity culture, accurate sexual information is not presented, and therefore adolescents become adults without an understanding of sex and how it works. Keep in mind, my generation and before did not have access to the internet like it is today with Google and AI's capacity—just porn. So the sources of helpful, accurate sexual information were limited to non-existent.
This means you are left with women who do not know their anatomy, what it looks like, how it functions, and what feels pleasurable. They may not know about lubricant, how to achieve an orgasm during sex, or very importantly, that they can say no to something they don't like or want and also yes to something they enjoy or are curious about.
Women are left feeling weird if they have more frequent sexual desire, timid about expressing their desires, and like their role is to just participate, not explore and express their sexual wishes.
Neurons That Fire Together, Wire Together: Sex + Shame
In purity culture, our brains connect shame and sex, and this can become a neural link in the brain. Because our sexuality so often triggers shame, these related neurons fire together and then begin wiring together. They form a relationship in the brain, so when sex comes up, so does our shame.
Sex Is to Be Feared... Until Marriage?
In purity culture, sex is a scary, daunting, to be avoided, bad act UNTIL you're married—and then it's supposed to be amazing, pleasurable, and good. I've heard from so many how it didn't just flip like this for them, that after marriage, it still felt bad, like they were doing something wrong. Talk about a way to turn off sexual desire.
The Relationship to Your Own Body
This contributes to women having a relationship with their body that could be described as distant and/or full of disdain or shame. A girl may experience her body, pleasure, and/or sexual desire as "bad," and therefore has limited access to these parts of herself in adulthood. They may still see themselves as just a sexual object, not the sexual subject, in sexual acts—just there to please someone else, not to experience her own pleasure.
The Culture of Secrecy and Silence
When sex is seen as bad, you create a culture of secrecy around sex. Sex becomes taboo, silent, hidden. This lends itself to confused adolescents, concerned parents, and spiritual leaders keeping their questions, worries, doubts, issues, and struggles to themselves. They are left alone, unsure, feeling bad about themselves.
This dynamic contributes to the spiritual leaders you hear of crossing lines and abusing their power sexually.
Absolutely No Room for Queer Identity
There is no space for anyone to be gay or trans. It's most often just not even mentioned as a possibility, just never discussed. In some communities, it is explicitly condemned and talked about in shaming, going-to-hell language.
This language and these teachings last for decades. Even after someone has come out, this fear of hell can still be stuck in part of their bodies, even if their mind knows it can't be true. I've seen this dynamic in my work—it's heartbreaking, and also so important to be acknowledged, validated, and worked through when someone is ready.
The Impact on Relationships
The result is couples that do not have skills to have conversations about sex. They grew up with inaccurate narratives about themselves, sexuality, and their relational roles. So they either avoid talking about sex or talk about it with unhelpful ideas. If one of them starts to access new information and ideas, this can be a major relationship shift depending on how the other partner responds.
Tell Me You Grew Up in Purity Culture Without Telling Me You Grew Up in Purity Culture
One of my bridesmaids surprised me with lubricant on my wedding day, something that was an absolute game changer that never once occurred to me to purchase
The first time I allowed myself to show cleavage in public felt very irresponsible
I did not kiss my husband until our wedding day
My bikini wearing was a hot topic for other's debate and discussion
Duct tape, crumpled up dollar bills, and chewing gum (if you know, you know)
*I came to purity culture in later high school years, so I have a different experience in all that I also experienced before purity culture.
Moving Forward from Purity Culture
If you're recognizing yourself in these experiences, please know: there is nothing wrong with you. The teachings were the problem, not your body, not your desires, not your curiosity. Healing from purity culture is possible, and it often involves:
Learning accurate information about sexuality and your body
Rewiring the shame-sex connection in your brain
Developing your own values around sexuality
Learning to communicate about sex with partners
Reconnecting with your body with compassion
Validating your experiences and the impact they've had
This post reminds me there is SO much more to write about, so no doubt another one will be in the future.
Ready to Heal from Purity Culture?
If you're struggling with the lasting impact of purity culture on your sexuality, body image, or relationships, therapy can help you untangle these messages and rediscover your authentic relationship with your body and sexuality.
I work with clients in Canal Fulton, Akron, Canton, and throughout Northeast Ohio navigating the aftermath of purity culture. Whether you're local to the Canal Fulton area or prefer online therapy sessions, I provide a safe, judgment-free space to process shame, develop healthy sexual values, and build the communication skills you were never taught. Together, we'll work to rewire those neural connections between sex and shame, and help you access the parts of yourself that purity culture tried to shut down.
Schedule a free consultation to learn how therapy can support your journey toward sexual healing and autonomy.