Is therapy working?

Is therapy working?
When we begin in therapy, naturally we ask ourselves, is it helping, “working?” I thought I’d share some reflections on factors to consider when reflecting on your progress. 

Therapy can cause us to feel “worse,” because we are letting go of defenses, starting to feel our feelings, like anger and sadness and potentially tapping into difficult memories or facing the pain of a challenging choice. It’s important that it feels manageable through small steps and creating a sense of safety between ourselves and the therapist. 

Intensity of triggers | activation 
When you get activated by a trigger, is it less intense than previously? Progress is when it’s not as distressing, feels more manageable and does not cause the same level of dysregulation. We will always have triggers and activation, that’s part of being a human who cares about things and people, however over time, we’re looking for a reduction in the intensity of the response to the trigger. 

Frequency of triggers | activation 
How often are you getting activated by triggers? Has it reduced? It may increase if you have touched on something from your childhood and now you are being reminded of that event through present day situations. This is where collaborating on resources with your therapist for grounding and self soothing is especially important. Over time, the goal is less frequent activation by triggers. 

Duration of triggers | activation 
Once you are activated by a trigger, how long does the distress last? Again, this may increase as you engage certain content in therapy, but ideally you and your therapist have explored resources for managing distress and you have found some that are effective for creating a sense of stabilization. Long term, we are looking for activation by triggers to reduce in duration. 

Spaciousness
My personal experience has been that progressing in therapy has looked like having more spaciousness in my life- inside and outside. I feel more clarity internally on what is important to me, am able to act more aligned with my values and am able to release external things that used to cause me stress. I am able to go inside for direction instead of depending on “experts,” what others think or what I think I “should” do. I’ve made more space for socializing and feel more of a genuine drive to be around others. 

Improved relationships
Our closest relationships will typically always be most triggering, (think partner, parents, in-laws, kids). So, as my spouse and I have attended couples therapy and I have my own therapy consistently, we can see that some of our predictable conflict has shifted for the better. When there’s conflict- it’s less activated, not as frequent and does not last as long. 

I also was able to share with a friend that I felt hurt by an interaction with them, my therapist helped coach me through this, and the conversation increased my connection and intimacy with this friend. 

Less stressed about time
I’ve always been driven by time, or lack thereof, and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed in mom life. Now, I have a better sense of what needs to be addressed and what I can let go for another time. I’ve found I’m more able to make decisions on what matters most to me in the moment. I can be more flexible with myself about tasks, scheduling and the calendar. Less rushing and more slowing down. 

Kinder to self 
When we can increase our compassion towards ourselves is a helpful indicator of progress. In her book, Real Self Care, Dr. Pooja Lakshmin says that how she is talking to herself when things are difficult is helpful in getting a sense of how her mental health is doing. How are we treating ourselves, talking to ourselves and seeing ourselves? 

Connection to our body 
Through therapy, we’ll likely notice a greater connection to our body. We are able to notice and name our sensations, have an understanding of how emotions feel in our body and have experimented with ways to relate to them more effectively. We practice in therapy feeling our feelings and embody the knowledge that we can handle emotions, they won’t overtake us and that they are helpful guides. 

Embrace more parts of ourselves 
Healing typically looks like making space for lots of different parts of ourselves. Getting to know our anxious part, understanding it’s role in trying to help us and soothing the anxious younger one inside of us. We may also find we start a hobby we’ve been curious about, make new friends, start a movement practice that is joyful- we’re able to reclaim our desires, pleasure and delight. 

Nothing to prove
We realize more and more that we have nothing to prove to anyone about our worth and value- that our significance has been true and valid since birth. We realize there’s no need for us to defend either taking up space, having a need, or expressing a want. We feel more secure in ourselves, have a stronger sense of self and feel in our bones and soul, I matter too.