How to Like Yourself: A Therapist's Guide to Building Self-Love and Self-Esteem
How to Like Yourself: A Therapist's Guide to Building Self-Love and Self-Esteem
One of the most common reasons people seek therapy is a desire to feel better about themselves — to build confidence, increase self-worth, and yes, simply learn how to like themselves.
If you've ever thought, "I know I should love myself, but I just don't know how," you are not alone. And more importantly: the way you feel about yourself is not simply a personal failing. There are deep cultural, social, and relational roots to why so many of us struggle with self-esteem — and understanding them is the first step toward genuine change.
Why So Many People Struggle to Like Themselves
The Culture of "Not Enough"
Marketing, wellness culture, religion, and social media are all built, to varying degrees, on a foundation of you are not enough as you are. Think about it: how many products have you purchased hoping they would finally be the thing that changed how you felt about yourself? Crystals, books, workout plans, healing courses — and yet the feeling of "not enough" remained.
That's because these messages aren't selling solutions. They're selling the problem. When we internalize the message that we are broken and need to be fixed, it becomes very hard to access a baseline sense of "I am already okay."
Religious Messaging and Self-Worth
For many people, religious upbringing introduced early messages about being sinful, lesser-than, or fundamentally flawed. When these messages are absorbed from childhood — before we have the tools to question them — they can quietly shape our self-concept for decades.
Peer Experiences and Childhood Wounds
Therapy clients frequently revisit experiences from years or even decades ago — being bullied, excluded, or humiliated by peers — that still quietly shape how they see themselves today. These aren't signs of weakness. They are signs that our nervous systems are doing exactly what they were designed to do: remember what hurt. In one of my own personal therapy sessions we used EMDR to target a memory that was 20 years ago at a high school party, these things can stick around my friends. If you were bullied, left out, teased, you may find as you talk about stuff in therapy, these moments come back to visit you.
Marginalized Identities and Internalized Messages
Race, gender, class, sexuality, disability, and other identities can carry internalized cultural messages that quietly erode self-worth. Even when we consciously reject these narratives, they can operate below the surface — affecting how much space we feel entitled to take up, what we believe we deserve, and how we see our own capabilities. I grew up in the lowest income neighborhood in my school district and I can see threads of how that still pops up at times in my thoughts and behaviors.
Patriarchy and Women's Self-Esteem
For women especially, the internalized effects of living in a patriarchal culture are worth naming directly. Whether it's an overt experience — like being told in a job interview that you could never be promoted because of your gender, (yes, this happened to me) — or a subtle one, like being talked over in a meeting, these experiences accumulate. They shape us. And they are not your fault.
Caregivers and Early Messaging
Our earliest experiences of worth came from the people who raised us. Whether the messages were well-intentioned but fearful, or genuinely hurtful and harmful, the words and behaviors of caregivers leave deep imprints. One of the most powerful gifts of therapy is finding clarity, healing, and a path forward with those relationships. My dad recently texted me an apology about a comment he made the night before. I think his apology points right back to the work he and I have both done in our own personal therapy which has directed our dialogue with one another. It was an incredible gift to me and one I see as a result of the healing work I’ve done in therapy to address issues in our relationship.
"Is It My Fault I Don't Like Myself?"
No. Full stop.
When you understand how relentlessly culture, systems, early relationships, and social dynamics have worked to communicate you are not enough, it becomes clear: this is not a "you problem." It is a human problem — and one that is especially acute for people who belong to marginalized groups or grew up in environments where their worth was conditioned on performance.
You came by your self-doubt honestly. And you can find your way out of it.
How to Build Self-Esteem: 6 Practical Strategies from a Therapist
1. Practice Self-Compassion (Not Just Self-Esteem)
Researcher and psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff draws an important distinction between self-esteem and self-compassion. Self-esteem is often contingent on performance or comparison. Self-compassion — treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a good friend — is something you can practice regardless of circumstances.
Try this: Visit self-compassion.org for guided exercises. Notice how you speak to yourself after a mistake and ask: would I say this to someone I love?
2. Get to Know Yourself
We live distracted. Podcasts, scrolling, busyness — all of it keeps us from turning inward. Building self-worth requires developing a relationship with yourself, and that takes quiet.
Try this: Use an app like Insight Timer for guided meditation, set a timer for 5 minutes and notice body sensations, or explore Meggan Watterson's Soul Voice Meditation as a starting point.
3. Discover Your "Hell Yes"
People-pleasing and self-neglect often go hand in hand. Reconnecting with what genuinely lights you up — what you'd do just for the joy of it — is an act of self-regard.
Try this: Create a "Hell Yes" board (Pinterest or otherwise) that captures what interests, excites, or calls to you. Author Eve Rodsky calls this creating a "Unicorn Space" — weekly time reserved just for you, not productivity, not tasks. Just pleasure and curiosity.
4. Reconnect with Younger You
The way we talk to ourselves as adults can be shockingly cruel — far harsher than we'd ever speak to a child or a friend. But we were that child. Finding compassion for the younger version of yourself can fundamentally shift how you treat yourself today.
Try this: Find a photo of yourself as a child. Speak to that child. Tell them what they needed to hear. Visualize offering comfort to younger you. This is a core technique in trauma-informed therapy and Internal Family Systems (IFS).
5. Surround Yourself with People Who See You
Therapist Esther Perel says the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. If you lack relationships where you feel genuinely celebrated and loved, your self-worth will be harder to sustain.
Try this: Show up as the kind of friend you want to have. Be intentional about who you invest time in. Reach out when you're struggling. Let people remind you how they see you.
6. Act As If You Already Love Yourself
Behavior often leads belief. Rather than waiting to feel worthy before acting worthy, try reversing the order.
Ask yourself: If I loved myself, how would I respond right now? How would I treat my body? What would I ask for? How would I show up? The more you act in alignment with the belief "I have innate worth," the more likely it is that you'll begin to feel it
If you are a woman sitting somewhere right now feeling ashamed, struggling with conflict, or unsure of your own worth — I see you. I understand. And I want you to know that so many people feel exactly what you're feeling, not because something is wrong with them, but because they are living in a world that has worked very hard to make them feel that way.
The journey toward liking yourself is not a solo one. We walk it alongside each other — for ourselves, for our children, for everyone who comes after us.
April is a licensed therapist who works primarily with women navigating self-worth, relationships, and identity. If you're interested in working together, [contact April here].