Toddler Behavior and Big Emotions: A Mom-to-Mom Guide to What Actually Helps
Toddler Behavior and Big Emotions: A Mom-to-Mom Guide to What Actually Helps
I'm a therapist, but I want to lead with something more important right now: I am a mom of two toddlers, and parenting is hard.
In 2025, there is no shortage of parenting advice. Experts, podcasts, Instagram reels, books — the information is endless. And instead of feeling more confident, most of the moms I talk to feel more overwhelmed. Like they should know more, do more, be more.
I don't want to be another voice adding to that noise.
What I do want is to be a fellow mom walking alongside you — sharing some things that have genuinely helped me (keyword: helped, not solved, fixed, or transformed) — and to normalize something important right off the bat:
Parenting is hard. This post won't change that. And that's not a you-problem.
These ideas won't work perfectly every time. Some won't be your style. There's no one right way. But if even one of these shifts something for you, it's worth it.
This post is based on my toddler parenting workshop, which draws heavily on the work of Dr. Becky Kennedy — and I'll be sharing the full framework we cover there. If you're interested in attending a live workshop where we go deeper and practice together, [join the waitlist here].
First: What Is Actually Your Toddler's Job?
Before we talk about what to do, it helps to understand what your toddler is actually supposed to be doing — because a lot of what feels like misbehavior is actually developmentally on point.
Your toddler's job, developmentally speaking, has two parts:
1. Explore the world This means testing limits (what happens if I put the remote in my cereal?), trying things beyond their ability ("I do it!"), asking approximately one million questions, and yes — licking the park bench after you told them not to. They're not trying to drive you crazy. They're learning cause and effect, gaining independence, and making sense of an enormous, confusing world. Exploration builds cognitive, physical, social, and emotional skills. It increases creativity, curiosity, and resilience.
2. Express their emotions Toddlers have all the emotions and none of the coping skills. So those emotions come out as hitting, kicking, screaming, biting, hiding, running away, crying, and whining. This is not a character flaw. This is a developmental reality — and understanding why helps everything.
Understanding the Toddler Brain (This Changes Everything)
Here's the key thing to understand about your toddler's brain:
The right brain — the emotional side — is very well developed. The left brain — the logical, rational side — is under massive construction and will be for years.
This means your toddler is operating almost entirely from emotion. Logic, reasoning, "if you do that one more time I swear..." — none of it lands the way we want it to, because the part of the brain that processes logic isn't online yet.
Our goal as parents is to be the bridge. We connect to their right brain (emotion) through validation, which helps them eventually access their left brain (regulation and logic). You are literally helping wire their brain for emotional regulation every time you do this. That's not small.
Your Job as a Parent: Boundaries + Validation
As our kids explore and express, they give us constant opportunities to practice our job — which has two parts that mirror theirs: boundaries and validation.
What Is a Boundary?
A boundary is something you do. It does not require anything from your child.
This is the part that trips most of us up. We say, "Stop rubbing your toothbrush on the carpet!" — which is a request. Our child may or may not comply. A boundary sounds different:
"I can't let you rub your toothbrush on the carpet," while walking over and taking the toothbrush.
Notice: you're not waiting for them to stop. You're stepping in. Calmly (or as calmly as possible). The language often sounds like "I won't let you..." or "I can't let you..." paired with an action.
Why does this matter? When you set a boundary, your child learns that someone else is in charge and it's not them — and for toddlers, that is a relief. They learn the world has structure. They learn they don't have to be afraid of their own big feelings because you aren't afraid of them. You're stepping in. You've got this.
A note on difficult behavior: When your toddler is hitting, biting, or melting down, they aren't being a bad kid. They are a good kid having a hard time. Difficult behavior is evidence of dysregulation — their nervous system is overwhelmed and they don't yet have the tools to cope. Our job is to help them develop those tools over time, not to punish them for not already having them.
What Is Validation?
Validation is expressing understanding of your child's experience and emotions. It is not always agreeing with them. It's acknowledging that what they feel is real.
It helps to understand validation by first looking at what it's not. Think about a time you came home upset — maybe a hard moment at work, running late, feeling like you were failing at everything. Imagine your partner responding with:
"Well, maybe tomorrow you should leave earlier so that doesn't happen again." (Advice-giving)
"I hear you, but aren't you being a little sensitive?" (Criticizing)
"Let's talk about our vacation coming up!" (Distracting)
"It's not a big deal, your boss will get over it." (Minimizing)
Would any of those make you feel more connected? More open?
Now imagine they said: "Gosh, that sounds awful. It's so hard to manage parenting and work at the same time."
That's validation. And the reason it works is neurological — when you're in emotional distress, you're in your right brain. A right-brain response (acknowledging feelings) meets you where you are. A left-brain response (logic, advice) misses you entirely.
The same is true for your toddler — times ten.
Validation in practice sounds like:
"Of course you're upset the dog ate your crayons. You love drawing with those."
"You really wanted to jump off the counter. I can't let you do that — and of course you're mad about it."
"That scared you. I'm right here. You're safe." (Instead of "it's fine, it's not scary")
When you validate, your child learns: what I feel inside is real. That builds self-trust instead of self-doubt. That is a gift that lasts a lifetime.
Which Side Is Harder for You — Boundaries or Validation?
Most of us lean more naturally toward one or the other.
If boundaries come easily but validation is hard: You're great at keeping your kid safe and giving them structure. Adding validation will deepen your connection and often — surprisingly — increase their cooperation.
If validation comes easily but boundaries are hard: You're wonderful at making your child feel seen and loved. Adding consistent boundaries will increase their sense of safety and your own confidence as a parent.
The reason the other side feels hard almost always comes down to one thing: discomfort with our child's distress.Boundary-avoiders don't want to trigger big emotions. Validation-avoiders want to minimize or move past emotions quickly.
Here's the truth: our child's feelings should not determine our boundaries, and we should not dictate their feelings.
The way through is to increase your own tolerance for difficult emotions. Try this:
Name the feeling (sad, angry, anxious)
Notice where you feel it in your body
Nurture — what does that feeling need?
As you get more comfortable with your own emotions, you'll find your child's distress becomes less overwhelming — and boundaries and validation both become more natural.
In-the-Moment Strategies for Toddler Big Emotions
When your child is in distress (not a full meltdown — in those moments, the goal is just safety and co-regulation — but everyday emotional moments), here are tools that work:
Words: Name the emotion, match your tone to their intensity, name the size of the feeling. "You are SO mad. Mad as big as this whole room." Try "of course..." and "I get it..." A song can work too. Try "parts language" — "part of you really wanted that, and part of you knows we have to go."
Art: Keep paper accessible. Draw a face together. Write the word MAD in big letters. Let them scribble it out. Externalizing the feeling helps them process it.
Movement: Big emotions need somewhere to go. Jump, stomp, shake it out.
Pictures: Point to a matching emotion in a book, on printed emojis, or in Inside Out. "Daniel Tiger looks upset just like you."
Toys: Sometimes a stuffed animal can say what we want to say. "Bunny sees you're really sad right now. Bunny gets it."
Out-of-the-Moment Strategies: Storytelling, Practice, and Modeling
The real skill-building happens between the hard moments, not during them.
Storytelling is one of the most powerful tools available to parents of toddlers. Use words, drawings, or toys to tell stories about:
Behaviors you're working on reducing (so they can rehearse a different ending)
Upcoming changes or new experiences (so they know what to expect)
Difficult experiences they've already had (to help them connect the emotion to language and understanding)
Practice: Set up low-stakes situations and practice coping together. Play it out. Let them be the parent sometimes. Use books, songs, and drawing to reinforce.
Model your own emotions: Name what you're feeling out loud and narrate how you're coping. "I'm frustrated right now. I'm going to take some deep breaths." This is one of the most underrated things we can do. As you build your own emotional tolerance, modeling becomes easier and more natural — and your child is watching everything.
Two Connection Habits Worth Building
1. Playfulness Over Power Struggles
When your toddler isn't cooperating, playfulness is — I know, I know — genuinely one of the most effective tools we have. It feels like the last thing you want to do in the moment. But hear me out: in the end, it uses less energy, less time, and you both feel better afterward.
Some ideas to try:
Silly incentive: "Once you put your shoes on, I will make the funniest face you've ever seen."
Address them as a character: "Astronaut, we need to prepare for liftoff — that means shoes on!"
Be unpredictable: Pause mid-sentence, do something wrong on purpose, put their underwear on your head.
Give a playful choice: "Do you want to waddle like a penguin or gallop like a horse to the car?"
Turn it into a game: "Do you think we can pick up all the blocks before the song ends?"
Change the surface: "The carpet is lava! How are we going to get to the bathroom?"
Playfulness isn't a personality type. It's a skill. And it gets easier the more you practice it.
2. Mess Up. Own It. Repair.
We will all lose our patience. We will yell. We will say things we regret. What matters most is not that we're perfect — it's that we repair.
When you've had a hard moment, resist the urge to blame your child or look to them to make you feel better about it. Repair with yourself first. Then come back to your child and say something like:
"Earlier I raised my voice. I'm sorry. That's on me — it was never your fault. I love you. I'm going to keep working on that."
That's it. That's the repair. And it teaches your child more about accountability, relationships, and self-compassion than almost anything else you could do.
Frequently Asked Questions About Toddler Big Emotions
Why does my toddler have such big emotions?
Toddlers have a highly developed emotional brain (right brain) and an underdeveloped rational brain (left brain). They feel everything intensely and have no coping skills yet. This is normal, expected, and temporary — with support from you, their regulation skills will grow.
What is the Dr. Becky Kennedy approach to toddler behavior?
Dr. Becky Kennedy's framework (Good Inside) centers on seeing children as "good kids having a hard time" rather than bad kids who need to be controlled. Her approach emphasizes boundaries, validation, and building connection — which is the framework used in this workshop.
What's the difference between a boundary and a request with toddlers?
A request asks your child to do something and depends on their compliance. A boundary is something you do — it requires nothing from your child. "Stop hitting" is a request. "I won't let you hit — I'm going to hold your hands" is a boundary.
How do I validate my toddler's feelings without giving in?
Validation and boundaries work together, not against each other. You can say: "Of course you're upset we're leaving the park — that makes total sense — and we're leaving now." You're acknowledging their feeling and holding the boundary. Neither cancels the other out.
Is playfulness a real parenting strategy or just for fun parents?
It's both! Playfulness is a genuinely effective tool for reducing power struggles. It works because it shifts the energy, engages your child's right brain, and makes cooperation feel more appealing than resistance. It's a skill anyone can build.
If you're a mom of toddlers who wants to feel more confident and more connected to your kid (and less like you're white-knuckling your way through every day), I'd love to have you reach out for a consultation.
April is a licensed therapist and mom of two toddlers based in Ohio (still grieving the lack of Wawa). She works primarily with women and hosts workshops for moms on parenting, emotions, and connection. [Contact April here.]