I Don't Know What I Believe Anymore: A Guide to Religious Deconstruction
I Don't Know What I Believe Anymore: A Guide to Religious Deconstruction
Navigating the disorienting journey from certainty to self-trust
Deconstruction is incredibly disorienting because you begin to question the very foundation you built your whole life upon. It feels scary to even allow yourself to ask the questions.
It's like pulling a thread on a sweater that keeps unraveling. You may find yourself questioning things that once created your identity and worldview. Going there is painful, confusing, and scary.
You once had all the answers given to you. Now you're left to yourself. But here's the catch: you were never taught to know and trust yourself. In fact, you were actively discouraged from listening to your emotions and desires. They may have been labeled as evil or dangerous.
So often, we look for another source to give us answers—a podcast, an author, another denomination, a different religion, or new spiritual practice.
This Is All Normal (And Healthy)
All of this is a very common, healthy part of the journey:
Exploring things you were never allowed to consider
Exposing yourself to new ideas and experiences
Learning to think critically about beliefs and practices
Determining what actually aligns with you
I remember years ago when I was deconstructing and consuming new content, there was always a part of me that felt like what I was doing was "bad, scary, going to lead me down the wrong path." As I reflect on that, it reminds me of my grandfather's voice. I loved him dearly and he loved me dearly—and he was also entrenched in fundamentalist Baptist beliefs.
Things to Consider If You're Knee-Deep in Deconstruction
Question Your Need to "Know"
You came from a system that prioritized beliefs as a way to belong. Ask yourself if that's part of why you're still so consumed with having to know what you believe.
We can get wrapped up in our minds during deconstruction, trying to figure out what we believe. But this can perpetuate the very system you're questioning.
What if it was okay to not "know" what you "believe?" Could that be possible for you? Could that take some pressure off?
Come Into Your Body
Our brains love to "know." It feels comfortable, efficient, and safe. Our brain wants to connect the dots, so it will continue to find a way, a reason, meaning.
I like to see these moments as invitations to come into our body and notice the sensations, emotions, and images that are there to guide us. Not so we can "know," but so we can be present with ourselves, learning to connect with our own internal knowing.
Build Support
Our community can change during deconstruction, and it helps significantly to not sit in all of this alone. Whether it's virtual community, a close friend, or spiritual direction—sharing what you're experiencing can:
Reduce shame and depression
Increase your sense of belonging
Bolster your confidence as you work through activating situations
The Phases of Deconstruction
Deconstruction often occurs in different phases and can last a lifetime, in the sense that we're always evaluating what aligns with us. Here are some common phases:
1. Questions
It often starts with either an outside triggering event—something harmful happening in your faith community or the world—or an internal triggering question like, "How can I believe these things about gay people?" or "Could hell actually be real?"
This can feel threatening because allowing yourself to follow these questions means facing potential losses on the other side.
2. Choose Your Own Adventure: Shut It Down or Keep Going
You make a choice, sometimes unconsciously. You either:
Stop going there and instead distract, deny, and dig deeper into your current beliefs, OR
Decide to keep pulling the thread and see where it takes you
3. Fear
This is SCARY. Think of the Fear character from Inside Out—always on edge, anticipating danger and loss, without trust that you can figure things out or find a way forward.
Everything feels like a threat because you're questioning the very things that once provided your protection, strength, and assurance. What does that leave you with now? Especially when you feel like you need it most.
4. Anger
This phase can look like rage toward the systems, people, and teachings that caused harm. You might find yourself angry about:
What you missed out on because of purity culture
Unrealistic expectations from caregivers or faith communities
The amount of shame you've carried because of teachings about your "sinful nature"
You may find yourself bashing these communities and beliefs, becoming hyperfixated on anything related to your previous community, possibly saying or doing things you later regret.
5. Explore
You start to look at and experience other practices, ways of life, and beliefs. Maybe you try:
Meditation, yoga, chanting
Buddhist beliefs, witchcraft, earth-based spirituality
New sexual experiences or identities
Astrology, moon phases
Sitting with being atheist or agnostic
This exploration can feel both scary and liberating. You might be afraid of others' judgment and your own internal judgment from years of indoctrination about what's "right and wrong."
6. Avoid and Numb
Sometimes it all starts to feel overwhelming, so you take a step back and let it go. You may realize you'll never have what you once had—those clear, black-and-white answers. That's disappointing, so you kind of give up.
You focus on other things: work, people, volunteering. Spirituality gets put on the back burner.
In quiet moments, there's often still a longing to have some spiritual aspect. If you're a parent, you might wonder how to best support your children in this area.
7. Release the Pressure
You may come to a point where you accept that you'll never "know"—and that actually starts to feel okay. It's all a mystery, and there's no pressure because who can actually claim they "know"?
You recognize your previous faith was so fixated on beliefs, and you don't have to carry that with you anymore.
8. Get to Know Your Intuition
Instead of focusing on beliefs, you build your connection to yourself. You go internal for information—through sensations, emotions, or images. You may call it the sacred, divine, body, inner wisdom, or Self (in Internal Family Systems language).
On a recent podcast, I heard Martha Beck quote Lisa Miller, who has specialized in and researched spirituality's impact on our wellbeing. She emphasized the importance of "authorizing our inner knowing."
How does that idea land with you? What's an inner knowing that needs some authorizing from you?
A Helpful Practice: Soul Voice Meditation
One resource that's been transformative for me is Meggan Watterson's Soul Voice Meditation:
Take one deep breath to engage with the internal love that liberates
Take another breath and ask: "What do I need to know today?"
Take a third breath to embody that knowing
Write down what comes. It might be an action, a gentle reminder, or a message of reassurance.
My Journey: 10 Years Later
As I write this, I'm realizing it's been almost 10 years since deconstruction began for me. I had no idea it had been that long.
It started after years on a church staff, over a decade of being completely bought into the beliefs and lifestyle, and a couple of years into my marriage.
Looking back, I can say I'm in a very different place than when it all began. These phases all feel familiar to me. The beginning was the hardest—the fear over what these questions could mean, the well-meaning but shaming comments from loved ones, the challenge to all the beliefs I thought kept me "good, safe, and protected."
I'm very much on the other side of that fear now. Things don't feel heavy or scary anymore. Some loved ones have come around and see and celebrate who I am now.
I share this because I want you to know: especially if you're in those beginning stages, it won't feel like this forever. It will eventually shift. Hang in there.
Resources for Your Deconstruction Journey
Holy Hurt - Support for those navigating religious trauma
The Liturgists - Podcast exploring science, faith, and meaning
Meggan Watterson - The Girl Who Baptized Herself & Soul Voice Meditation
Martha Beck - Podcast and coaching on finding your authentic path
Where are you in your deconstruction journey? What phase resonates most with you right now?
If you want more support
Reach out to schedule a free consultation, I’d love to hear from you. My office is in Canal Fulton, Ohio and I work with clients virtually throughout Ohio and Pennsylvania.