Real Self Care for Moms | You Are Already Good Enough
For the moms of Canal Fulton, Massillon, and the greater Stark County area raising young kids and wondering if they're doing enough, this one is for you.
What have you bought to "fix" yourself?
In the book, Real Self Care, Dr. Poojah Lakshmin offers an exercise where you list all of the things you have tried to help you, change you, care for yourself, what she calls "faux" self care, verses real self care.
What have you thought would be "the thing?"
I have SO many responses for this question. Ranging from teeth whitening, to crystals, to enneagram, to veganism, to the next therapy training, countless books, and the list could go on and on. Nothing is "the thing." But something that is true, is whatever path we are on, it's a lot easier if we are a friend to ourselves, but man is that hard.
I recently began to notice how so many of my sessions with women had a theme of blaming themselves for everything, not feeling good enough and feeling consumed by shoulds. It is often presented as a disconnection from themselves, this sense of feeling fragmented, not aligned, scattered or shut down.
Since I knew I had some mom’s events approaching, I knew this was the topic I wanted to discuss. Of course, because I can relate and I understand the experience. I also have been on my own journey of reclaiming my voice and going inside and this seems to be the path necessary for us to find a way forward out of the murky, never ending, unachievable expectations all around us.
So first, let’s look at a couple of reasons why this is such a challenge for us.
Choosing to believe I am okay as I am now threatens all the systems
Capitalism thrives on us feeling like we aren't good enough and therefore need to spend money to change that. Or that joy is a product or experience away. I sell services and want to clearly shout, no-one needs my services to be good or ok enough. Our goodness was never a debate to be had.
Patriarchy thrives on our separation from one another and us seeing ourselves as less than. I mean, Adam and Eve, one of the first stories in the Bible highlights a "bad" woman, amirite? These narratives go way back and are still going strong today.
Individualism teaches that these are our problems and therefore we need to frantically find the solution; when the reality is that we are up against systemic issues that create the problem. Girl, these problems are way bigger than you and let me say loud and clear, not to challenge Ms. Swift but, you are not the problem.
White supremacy has a value of perfectionism and we bring this to our relationship to ourselves. We expect perfection, or almost perfection and find it so incredibly difficult to be kind to ourselves when we forget something, make a mistake, or the biggest one I see, when we disappoint someone.
Overwhelm
We’re overwhelmed and looking for solutions. Dr. Poojah Lakshmin calls it the “Self Care Industrial Complex.” Everywhere we look, there is a solution. A course, a cleanse, a group, a cult, a crystal infused water bottle, a new type of therapy (yes, my field can absolutely play a role in this).
And can we just name it — motherhood in particular is its own overwhelm layered on top of everything else? If you're a mom with little ones in Canal Fulton or anywhere in Stark County, you already know. The mental load is relentless. The school schedules, the snack requests, the emotional labor of raising tiny humans while also trying to hold yourself together. There is very little space carved out that says, "and now, what do YOU need?" So we grab what looks like relief — the quick fix, the online course, the Amazon purchase at midnight — because something has to give. But those things don't reach the deep place that actually needs tending.
The oppressive systems work when we have a deep sense of not ok-ness. They are challenged when we see ourselves, and everyone else, as good inside, now. When we can separate behavior from identity. When we can pause, silence the “experts and gurus,” and go internal to connect with our inner knowing.
Shame Web vs. Man Box
Brené Brown describes the experience for women as a “web,” of ideas, coming from lots of different sources about how, what and who we should be. Ie. Messages from social media, parents, peers, church that women should be nice, assertive, available, boundaried, thin, body positive, calm, firm.
She continued her research to understand men’s experience to see how it was similar and different. Instead of it being a web, she conceptualized it as a box. Men have less shoulds about who, what and how they want to be AS LONG AS they are not perceived as weak. This aligns with research completed that determined men who most fit into the “man box,” have poorer mental health outcomes.
So where does this leave us?
Our goodness is to be CLAIMED
If you're anything like me you've tried to find your "goodness/worth" in others' opinions of you. In your performance at being smart, nice, productive, generous. But what if others' approval was not necessary for me to know that I have worth and am good? That can shift AND right now. But how?
*Your goodness is not a debate*
Ask yourself, what would you do if you knew your worth was not on the line? And take a step towards it! Yes, with all the feelings that come along (Would you start dating, start a project, ask for a raise, change careers, set boundaries with your kids?)
Consider your needs, preferences and dare I say, wants! Check in with yourself before you agree to something and think about yourself when you are looking at your calendar.
When someone sends a direct or indirect message they disapprove of something (and you know in your spirit it aligns with your worth) picture a tennis court with you on one side and them on the other and bounce that opinion right on back to them - it's theirs, not yours to carry. (Dr. Becky inspired)
Find a younger picture of yourself and remind that kid how good you were and are. Give them an update on the grown up you are today, how you are parenting with your kids' goodness at the forefront and offer them the soothing they needed at the time.
And mama, if you have young kids at home right now, I want to speak directly to you for a moment. The season you are in is one of the most identity-shifting, self-erasing seasons of life. It doesn't mean you are lost. It means you are human, doing something incredibly hard, in a culture that simultaneously glorifies and under-supports motherhood. Reclaiming yourself is not selfish. It is, in fact, one of the most generous things you can do for your kids, because children who grow up watching their mother honor herself learn that they are worthy of the same.
*Your worth is here to be claimed*
️ 2026 Parenting Survival Tip
Place your hand on your heart and say, "I am a good mom. My goodness is not on the line and never was. I can claim it, right here, right now. No-one is going to give it to me and no-one can take it away. "
Also, a way to remind your kids of their goodness - Tell them today how glad you are to be their mama.
If you're a mom in Canal Fulton, Ohio or the surrounding Stark County area and this resonated with you, know that you are not alone. Whether you're in the thick of toddler years, navigating school drop-offs, or just trying to find five quiet minutes, real support exists right here in your community.