Shame, Ego, Soul, and Learning to Relax: Finding Safety Within Yourself
Shame, Ego, Soul, and Learning to Relax: Finding Safety Within Yourself
Let’s talk about shame baby…
I’m currently in Ann Odom’s “Safe in the Shadow” group which is a somatic and attachment experience to reduce shame. And let me tell you what’s happening because of it.
Rumination and rage = signs of shame 🙄
I had not fully connected this, at least in my own experience, until she connected some dots for me. She described how shame can manifest and two of the ways she shared include looping thoughts and rage. Since, I have been able to, in the moment, catch how my fixated thoughts or rage lies in underlying shame.
Rumination Example
I had a clinical situation that I was not fully certain how to handle and I noticed my thoughts were getting stuck on loop, on other people’s feelings, on “needing to know,” a sense of urgency and needing the loop to be closed. Eventually, in the rumination, I was able to connect it to a shame issue of “I should know.” That was so helpful, because I could comfort the shame part, “of course I don’t know what to do, I never had a class in this.”
Rage Example
I was able to understand that when my body was feeling incredibly irritated and activated by one of my children’s behaviors there was an underlying SHAME response of “they’re behaving this way because I haven’t ‘figured out’ how to support them yet,” AKA “I should know.” Man, shame can be sneaky.
Warm Vessel 🫶🏼
Ann explained how shame needs a loving witness to be healed and this is very much in Brené Brown’s work on shame. Ann compared it to alchemizing, that when a material is being alchemized into gold, it needs a warm vessel, and so it is with our shame. We can alchemize that shame shit into gold mamas!
Loving Witness Example
In a recent shame spiral after a social event, that in my mind started as one thing and then became every other thing I felt “bad” about - can you relate? I was able to notice it and then share about it with my husband to receive the loving witness instead of remaining in the thoughts alone. It helped! It was not in a “fix me” way and instead I just named aloud what I was experiencing and I felt relief.
Now when shame pops up…
Instead of my thoughts sounding like, “oh shit, this is here again, what is wrong with me, why is this happening again…” I am like, “ok, here we go, this is happening so this shame point can be further purified, clarified and turned into gold baby, let’s go. let’s heal it and move through it.” 👊🏼
And I think this is part of the work, mamas. Learning to notice what’s happening inside of us with curiosity instead of judgment, and remembering that we have access to something deeper than the thoughts, the shame, and the pressure to get it all right. Which brings me to the relationship between our ego and our soul…
Ego and Soul
Meggan Watterson discusses how being human means having an ego and a soul.
Ego
The ego is the part of us concerned with linear time, outcomes, appearances, results, people, places and things. We need our ego to survive in life. Our beloved ego is working hard on our behalf. The magic however lies in when we can remember that we are also a soul.
Soul
If the word soul does not land with you, feel free to use another word, like heart, Self, intuition, divine, etc. This is the part that is connected to love, the bigger picture, our interconnectedness, the good of everyone, our bigger purpose to support others, our internal sense of inherent worth.
Magic Within
This is where I believe the magic is within all of us. When we can pause, develop a relationship to the soul/wisdom/inner mother/sacred within us, and find the medicine we need inside of ourselves. Our culture will always try to sell us something OUTSIDE of ourselves. May our purchases not override a relationship to INSIDE ourselves.
To start
To begin, I’d recommend coming up with an image to represent your inner child and your soul, then practice noticing them in or around your body. See if there is anything they’d like you to know and/or want or need from you. Set a two minute timer if you are starting out, to increase your tolerance for stillness and silence.
Send your soul, ego and inner child all my love. Cheering for you!
And one way we can begin to build this relationship with ourselves is by practicing the art of slowing down, listening inward, and allowing ourselves to simply BE. Which brings me to something else I’ve been exploring lately: becoming a more relaxed woman.
The Relaxed Woman
I am leading a book group at my church on the book, “The Relaxed Woman,” by psychologist Nicola Jane Hobbs. I made the participants of the group a Relaxed Woman playlist and want to also share it with you all. These are songs I’ve collected along my own journey, from Ann Odom’s groups and from a sacred feminine event I attended hosted by Laura, who will be on the podcast soon!
Relaxed Woman Vibes
These songs resonate with me for a relaxed woman vibe, but your relaxed woman vibe may be different. The relaxed woman in me honors the relaxed woman in you.
And because relaxation is something we can practice experiencing in our bodies, rather than just something we understand intellectually, I want to share a few ways you might engage with these songs.
How I recommend you jam with the playlist
I recommend you listen to the songs briefly to catch ones you may jive with and then…
Pick one and move in any way your body nudges you to move- shake, sway, move your hips, ballet, wave your arms.
Pick one and lay completely still as you imagine absorbing the song’s essence into your body.
When in distress, feeling frantic or rushing: pause, pick one and be with the song.
Allowing yourself to lay
I belive allowing yourself to lay down the length of a song is a big freaken deal. Those 2-3 minutes may feel excruciatingly long to you. You will likely find yourself thinking of other things you need to do, wondering if it’s “helping,” wondering if you’re doing it “right,” considering what to make for dinner. This is all a part of being human and learning to relax.
Your body needs to EXPERIENCE relaxation for it to begin to feel safe
We can logically KNOW, “it’s ok to sit still for 3 minutes,” it’s a whole other ball game to actually SIT still for 3 minutes. It’s in the sitting still, experiencing that we could, that the world didn’t end, that we build our tolerance for rest, stillness and relaxation. The author says she’d set a 2 minute timer and sat on a cozy chair to start getting herself comfortable with relaxing.
Rest does not have to be “still”
Your relaxation may not be still, it may be walking relaxation. Walking without audio input and mindfully experiencing what’s happening for your senses. The point is to give our bodies time to not have to be thinking, doing, producing, crossing something off our list and to just BE.
This relaxation, sense of being safe inside, can be practiced and built, regardless of trauma history, temperament, and neurodivergence.
You my love, are worthy of simply, being.