Episode 8: Why Real Relationships Matter in Therapy and in Mom Life
Ever feel like everyone else got a manual for making friends, becoming a mom, and staying calm... and yours got lost in the mail? I hang with a friend and fellow therapist and mom, Elena Rodgers, to chat all about relationships and how they show up in the therapy room, why they matter and how relationships have been key in Elena's postpartum period.
As moms, it's hard to find and make friends. It's so different from when we were in school or college and friends were around the corner and not to mention, all the extra time we had then. Now, it's hard to know where to find friends, and if around possible mom friends, what to say to put feelers out there for friendship.
I just want to normalize this, you are not alone and there's nothing wrong with you if you get anxious about making new mom friends. If you get nervous meeting a new therapist, wonder what they think about you, don't want to upset them. We have been conditioned to feel this way AND friends and therapists are GREAT spaces to test out breaking some of these patterns. Your people are out there and I know you are a potential great friend for a mom who would love to know you.
Elena had the courage to show up to a mom's night, where she did not know who else would be there, VERY pregnant, because she knew, she wanted mom life support and she was making that happen for herself. She was caring for herself as the mom, so she could better care for her daughter (and also just because she DESERVES to feel cared for!!). Since the mom's night, she has come to the overstimulated moms club multiple times and deepened her connections with other moms. She said YES to an invitation that came her way to step deeper into relationship.
And that's how she shows up as a therapist. Deep, in the trenches and in the lightness with you. She shares she's often 3 minutes late to session as a therapist and I want to highlight the beauty of her sharing her humanity with us. Therapists are humans, and as therapists, as we practice accepting and modeling our own humanity, that helps our clients do the same for themselves. I also want to highlight that how a therapist's humanity shows up may be a great fit for you and may not be and as a client, you get to choose! Although I am not frequently 3 minutes late to session, my humanity may show up in sending you the wrong session location link, spilling my coffee all over the floor in session or forgetting to be at my office for an in person session. Yes these have all happened, fortunately the last one, only once!
Elena stated two things that I can't get enough of:
Unearth the origin story - what a great phrase!! This came up when we were discussing anxiety and I just love the image of digging, gently, intentionally and lovingly to get to the root of what's driving the anxiety, shame, fear, etc. We all have little ones in us that are carrying narratives we learned at a young age to adapt to our environment, ie. I must be quiet, good, comply, to receive love. As Gabor Maté says, as kids we will always choose ATTACHMENT over AUTHENTICITY. We have to for survival. So, what origin stories did you pick up along the way, that were wise and protective at the time, and yet, no longer need to protect you as an adult who is no longer dependent on their caregivers? One for me is, that people have to like me for me to be ok, on the inside. I logically know that is not true, yet, my body can feel that it is true. Let's unearth those origin stories mamas!
When in distress, no cognitive strategy is going to be the fix. Oooo, I could have jumped up and down when she said this, I was on the inside. Clap, clap, clap. Yes. We try to talk ourselves out of our distress, and what I most often find, is that (myself included), it ends up becoming more thought loops, more shame inducing, and the distress remains. INSTEAD, if we can use a BODY-BASED approach to send cues of safety to our body, the distress can shift.
Elena’s practice, New Leaf Psych, offers therapy for teens and adults in Ohio: https://newleafpsyc.org.
They accept insurance and have evening and weekend spots!