Cycle Breaking: Becoming the Woman and Mother You Never Got to Be
Cycle Breaking: Becoming the Woman and Mother You Never Got to Be
The moms I work with in Canal Fulton and throughout Stark County are doing profound work—they're breaking cycles they inherited from generations before them. They're also giving themselves permission to embody the girl they never got to be. This journey of healing childhood trauma and creating something new is both challenging and deeply meaningful.
We have advantages that other generations did not previously have: access to more information, more parenting educational resources, and more mental health awareness. Of course, all of this access creates its own set of problems—comparison, overstimulation, and the belief that the answer is right around the corner. But it also creates opportunity. Other generations broke cycles in their own way based on their childhoods as well, and now it's our turn.
What is Cycle Breaking?
I think of cycle breaking as reflecting on patterns, practices, habits, and beliefs we inherited and deciding to cultivate different ones—whether just for ourselves, our children, or the community. This can manifest in many different areas of life, and often connects deeply with parts of ourselves that were shut down in childhood and adolescence.
The Girl You Never Got to Be
I recently listened to Dr. Thema Bryant on episode 413 of the "We Can Do Hard Things" podcast, and one of the things they said that struck me was: "I am deserving of the girl I never got to be."
This statement hit me hard. I wonder about the girls we never got to be—the parts of ourselves that were discouraged, dismissed, or deemed unacceptable. As we work to break cycles for our children, we're also invited to reclaim those lost parts of ourselves.
Let me share some areas that may have been shut down for you in childhood and adolescence, and how they show up in the cycle-breaking work moms are doing today.
Areas of Cycle Breaking and Reclaiming Yourself
Playfulness: Breaking the Cycle of Seriousness
The girl you never got to be:
Your childhood may have been one that lacked play because of the worries that suffocated your caregivers, or life stressors around finances, health, career, addiction, or conflict. Play may have been frowned upon, seen as pointless or a waste of time. Some of us may have been forced to grow up too quickly, laden with responsibilities which left little to no time to play. When we did play, we may have gotten teased, or what we wanted to play was something our caregivers were not into and treated it like a burden. Now as adults, play can feel foreign, uncomfortable, or boring.
The cycle you're breaking:
Moms I work with are determined to make space for play—both for themselves and their children. They're learning that play isn't frivolous; it's essential. They're giving themselves permission to be silly, creative, and joyful.
Questions to reflect on:
What ways did your little girl want to play, and can you engage in any of that now as an adult? How could you "play" now as an adult? What do you like to play with your kid?
Desire: Breaking the Cycle of Self-Denial
The girl you never got to be:
Wants as a kid are often an inconvenience to parents, requiring time, money, or energy which parents can often be short on. So, wants can be met with immediate shut down, criticism, and threats. When, as little girls, our wants and desires were discouraged, ignored, rejected, and denounced, we learned a way to belong is to stay small, quiet, and desire-less. We may have been praised for being a "good girl" because we never got in the way, caused a wave, and strived to please everyone. (A helpful Good Inside podcast episode that relates to these ideas is "Calling all Good Girls" by Dr. Becky Kennedy.)
The cycle you're breaking:
Moms I work with who grew up where their wants didn't matter are determined to honor their children's desires while also reconnecting with their own. They're learning to ask themselves, "What do I want?" and actually listen to the answer.
Questions to reflect on:
Were you allowed to want and desire as a girl? What did you want as a kid and teen? Could you even access your wants, or were they so far buried? What about now in adulthood? When you ask yourself, "What do I desire?" what happens in your body and what comes to mind?
Body and Sexuality: Breaking the Cycle of Shame
The girl you never got to be:
As girls, we may not have been able to feel connected to our bodies, see her (our body) as good, or make biological sense of happenings in our body. We may not have been taught about the vulva, pleasure, menstrual cycles, orgasms, noticing body sensations, the connection between sensations and emotions, enthusiastic consent, body boundaries, objectification, different abilities, or language for bodies that look different. So the body becomes a distant, unknown, sometimes gross, silent part of life.
When bodies were talked about, we may have only heard criticism or praise for a certain "look" of a body. We may have learned that our body is only "good" if she looks a certain way and also that our worth lies in getting as close to that as possible. Questions couldn't be asked, it wasn't a welcome conversation, and we were left not knowing or finding information—accurate or inaccurate—from peers.
The cycle you're breaking:
Moms I work with who grew up in homes where sex was not discussed, or discussed as bad, gross, or not to occur until marriage, are determined to have an open dialogue with their children about sexuality. This looks like creating a safe place for their kids to ask questions, sharing accurate information with their kids, and embodying that sexuality is good and pleasurable with enthusiastic consent.
Many moms I work with in Northeast Ohio grew up in rigid, religious environments and are healing from purity culture. They find themselves in a negative relationship with their body and sexual desire and feel like there's something wrong with them because of it. They are exploring their own sexuality while navigating how to equip their kids with healthy sexuality education in a way that is different from their own childhood.
Questions to reflect on:
What dialogue around bodies happened in your childhood? How did your caregivers talk about their bodies? How did they comment on your body? What was your connection to your body like as a girl? Today? Could you write your body a letter to begin a dialogue? Maybe you could also write a letter in reply from your body to you. (Dr. Hillary McBride's books on embodiment are helpful resources for this exploration.)
Emotions: Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Suppression
The girl you never got to be:
You may have grown up in a home where any emotion outside of happiness was discouraged. Perhaps your caregivers said things like "kids are seen and not heard," "I'll give you something to cry about," or "don't be so sensitive." You may have been ignored, threatened, or criticized when expressing a developmentally appropriate spectrum of emotions.
The cycle you're breaking:
Moms I work with who grew up in homes where emotions were silenced are determined to help their children feel safe expressing their sadness, anger, and jealousy. They're learning to welcome the full range of human emotion—in their children and in themselves.
Critical Thinking and Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Intellectual Suppression
The girl you never got to be:
What was it like in your family when you asked a question, disagreed, or expressed curiosity about a sensitive topic? Did your caregivers encourage dialogue, expressing different perspectives, and wondering about things that did not make sense?
If we grew up in a religious context—not always but often—there is a discouragement of questioning the institution's beliefs and practices. We can be seen as bad, the devil tempting us, not praying enough, or not as spiritual as others. Critical thinking and asking questions is not often encouraged. That can leave us as adults feeling disconnected from our intuition, searching for answers outside of us from all different sources, and having a difficult time with decision making.
The cycle you're breaking:
Moms I work with who grew up in cultures where their opinion did not matter, were belittled, laughed at, or silenced are determined to make space for their children's thoughts, opinions, and perspectives. They are eager to learn from their kids, about their kids, and are curious about them. These moms ask their kids questions, encourage them to reflect, and cheer on their child's differing thoughts and individuation.
Questions to reflect on:
What was it like when you asked questions as a girl? Was there someone who took your questions seriously, took time to listen and provide thoughtful back-and-forth dialogue? If so, how did that impact you, and if not, what would that experience have been like for you? Where do you feel safe asking questions today? What is something you have been thinking critically about lately? Who could you discuss that with to further your reflection?
Expression: Breaking the Cycle of Conformity
The cycle you're breaking:
Moms I work with who grew up in homes where expression was determined for them or extremely filtered—how they talk, what they wear, what they like, who they spend time with, their interests, their haircut—are determined to empower their kids' sense of expression. It feels important to them to give their child space to go inside themselves to determine what they like, what feels good to them, and aligns with who they are becoming.
Spirituality: Breaking the Cycle of Religious Control
The cycle you're breaking:
Moms I work with who grew up in homes where spirituality and religion was dictated for them—whether through mandatory attendance, forced spiritual practices, claiming the family believed a certain way, or expecting behavior to align within the religious framework's beliefs—are determined to allow their kids spiritual autonomy. They may include their child in spiritual practices and in a spiritual community while giving their child permission and freedom to lean into their own spiritual beliefs and exposing them to a variety of paths.
Many of these moms are navigating spiritual trauma and deconstruction. Anxiety, depression, and overwhelm can accompany moms on their journeys of spiritual trauma recovery as they figure out where they land spiritually and how to parent differently.
Stability: Breaking the Cycle of Chaos
The cycle you're breaking:
Moms I work with who grew up in chaotic environments are determined to provide a sense of stability for their children. This may look like clear communication, expectation setting, preparation for any changes, and supportive responses to a child's difficulty with change. We can't prevent change and ruptures from occurring in our kids' lives, but we can be mindful of their impact and support our kids along the way.
Hosting: Breaking the Cycle of Isolation or Overwhelm
The cycle you're breaking:
Moms I work with who grew up with caregivers who never had people over or always had people over may find themselves intentionally creating a different home environment when it comes to hosting. They may be more intentional about who they allow to come into the home and/or strategically make it a priority to host people.
Some grew up with caregivers who were isolated, private, and never had company, and therefore it feels important to practice hosting with their children. They may release pressure for the house to look "perfect" before a guest comes over, set boundaries with guests, and prepare their kids for what to expect with company.
Addiction: Breaking the Cycle of Substance Abuse
The cycle you're breaking:
Moms I work with who grew up in a home with a caregiver who had a substance use disorder are determined to not repeat patterns of addiction. They are mindful of their consumption of any substance, if they engage with any, and are aware of how it could impact their children.
Mental Health: Breaking the Cycle of Neglecting Wellbeing
The cycle you're breaking:
Moms I work with who grew up with caregivers who did not believe in therapy and mental health, thought prayer solved it, or did not make it a priority are determined to care for their own mental health as well as their children's. They are attending therapy appointments, taking medication, practicing awareness and assertiveness, and making their wellbeing a priority—yes, even in motherhood.
How EMDR Therapy Supports Cycle Breaking in Canal Fulton, Ohio
EMDR therapy is a powerful tool for cycle breaking because it addresses the root of the patterns we inherited—the traumatic memories and experiences that created them in the first place. When we process childhood trauma through EMDR, we're not just understanding our patterns intellectually; we're actually healing the wounds that created them.
EMDR helps you:
Process memories of being shut down, criticized, or dismissed as a child
Heal the shame around your body, desires, emotions, and thoughts
Release the "good girl" conditioning that keeps you small
Reconnect with your authentic self and desires
Build new neural pathways that support healthier patterns
Feel empowered to parent differently without guilt
Many of the moms I work with in Stark County come specifically to work on cycle-breaking. They want to do deep healing work so they can show up differently for their children—and for themselves.
Can You Give Yourself Permission?
Can you give yourself permission to embody the girl you never got to be, today?
This isn't just about parenting differently. It's about reclaiming yourself. It's about honoring the little girl inside you who wanted to play, who had desires, who was curious, who wanted to be seen and celebrated exactly as she was.
Cycle breaking isn't just for your children. It's for you, too.
You are deserving of the girl you never got to be.
Ready to Break Cycles and Heal Childhood Trauma?
If you're a mom in Canal Fulton, Massillon, Canton, or anywhere in Northeast Ohio working to break generational cycles and heal from childhood trauma, EMDR therapy can help. Whether you choose weekly sessions or an EMDR intensive, you don't have to do this work alone.
Schedule your free 15-minute consultation to learn how EMDR can support your cycle-breaking journey.