Who Benefits? Challenging the "Shoulds" That Create Shame
Who Benefits? Challenging the "Shoulds" That Create Shame
How many "shoulds" are running your life right now? And more importantly—who benefits from these expectations?
"I should have lost the baby weight by now."
"I should not have grey hair in my 30's."
"I should be calm."
"I should work to bring in more income for my young family."
"I should not work when I have young kids at home."
Shame Resilience Theory
Brené Brown created the Shame Resilience Theory, and I read about it in her book, "I Thought It Was Just Me." So many parts of the book were incredibly helpful: the main shame categories, personal stories from other women about shame, and the four elements to increase our resilience in the experience of shame.
Practicing Critical Awareness
The second element Brené Brown highlights is practicing critical awareness. In this chapter, she includes many examples of questions we can ask ourselves to deepen our understanding of the expectations we place on ourselves that leave us feeling shame when unmet.
Our Private Lives in Context
One of the goals of increasing our awareness of these factors is to connect to the outside influences on these narratives we hold onto about what we "should" be, do, look like, wear, talk, look, parent, spend money, work, and so on. This includes the impact of the political, economic, and social realms.
We Didn't Come Up With the "Shoulds" on Our Own
We learned them. We picked them up along the way when we were trying to make sense of the world and also when trying to avoid rejection and find belonging.
"I should have lost the baby weight by now." (Fitness industry)
"I should not have grey hair in my 30's." (Beauty industry)
"I should be calm." (Wellness industry)
Depending on our own context, relationships, and experiences, we can carry opposite shoulds from one another:
"I should work to bring in more income for my young family."
"I should not work when I have young kids at home."
Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Shame Triggers
I'll share a couple of the questions Brené Brown includes to ask ourselves about our shame triggers:
What are the social-community expectations of ______?
Who benefits from these expectations?
Am I describing who I want to be or others want me to be?
Let me walk you through an example using these powerful questions.
An Example: The Grey Hair "Should"
Let's use the grey hair "should" from above as an example with the questions.
"I should not have grey hair in my 30's."
What are the social-community expectations?
The expectation is to hold onto "youth" as long as you are able. Our culture's image of youth does not include grey hair. The expectation is that you will spend money, time, and energy using chemicals to get rid of any greys that dare show themselves. The expectation is that grey is "bad" and no grey is "good." The narrative is that grey is associated with "old" and no grey is associated with "beauty, youth, vitality."
These narratives are spoken and unspoken. We hear comments about grey hair and see a lack of representation of women in their 30's and 40's keeping their greys, so when we do, we notice and it sticks out to us.
Who benefits from these expectations?
The beauty industry. Advertising industry. Hair products industry.
(I think it can be helpful to add the question: How do I benefit from this expectation? Do I? When it comes to this narrative, I'm not sure if there is a benefit to this "should" on the individual.)
Am I describing who I want to be or others want me to be?
This can be complicated to answer at times because it can be challenging to tease out our wants from what we have been conditioned to see as "good." Even if we cannot come up with a clear-cut answer, it helps to know we've asked the question and given ourselves the opportunity to explore our wants and behaviors instead of operating on auto-pilot according to our culture's narratives.
So in the case of grey hair, is coloring our hair a personal want or a societal want?
My Personal Example: The Journey with Grey Hair
I'll share my personal experience. I think for me, it is more of a cultural want, and also one I am choosing based on the culture I live in. And I think it's okay to give ourselves permission to do that, especially if we have been reflective about our choices.
My Two-Year Experiment
To elaborate further on my own experience, I did not color my greys for two years after coloring my hair since my 20's. I stopped coloring my hair because I realized it was more of a cultural expectation and I wanted to live a different beauty standard and also show my kids another possibility. I got a pixie cut and even eventually shaved my head and kept the buzzed head for 6 months. My partner loved it and wanted me to keep it that way.
Looking back, I am so proud of myself for doing that and can see the healing power it had for me in challenging the beauty and hair narratives from my childhood.
The Decision to Color Again
However, after two years, I decided to color my hair again and wrestled with the decision. But the point is, I wrestled with it and was reflective and thoughtful about it. I am aware I dyed it because of cultural narratives and I can accept that.
We Get to Decide
We get to decide the expectations we align with and which ones get the middle finger.
And we can change our minds.
The power isn't in perfectly adhering to some counter-cultural ideal or in blindly following societal expectations. The power is in consciousness—in knowing why you're making the choices you're making, who benefits from them, and whether they align with who you want to be.
Other "Shoulds" to Question
This practice of critical awareness applies to so many areas where moms in Canal Fulton and throughout Ohio experience shame:
Body and Weight:
"I should look a certain way postpartum"
Who benefits? Diet industry, fitness industry, beauty standards
What do I actually want for my body and health?
Motherhood:
"I should be a stay-at-home mom" or "I should work outside the home"
Who benefits? Cultural narratives, economic systems, judgment from others
What feels right for my family and me?
Spirituality:
"I should believe what I was raised to believe"
Who benefits? Religious institutions, family systems, cultural expectations
What aligns with my authentic spiritual path? Learn more about spiritual trauma
Sexuality:
"I should want sex more/less" or "I should feel a certain way about my body"
Who benefits? Purity culture, patriarchal systems, shame-based teachings
What feels true and good for me? Explore EMDR for sexual desire and purity culture recovery
Parenting:
"I should use this specific parenting method perfectly"
Who benefits? Parenting experts, course creators, comparison culture
What actually works for my unique child and family?
How EMDR Therapy Helps You Challenge Shame and "Shoulds"
When we've internalized shame and "shoulds" from childhood, it's not enough to intellectually understand they're not serving us. We need to process the experiences that taught us these beliefs in the first place.
EMDR therapy in Canal Fulton helps you:
Process childhood memories where you learned you weren't "enough"
Heal shame that gets triggered when you don't meet expectations
Separate your authentic wants from internalized cultural narratives
Build resilience to shame so it doesn't control your choices
Feel more confident making decisions that align with your values, not others' expectations
Many women find that EMDR intensives provide the concentrated healing time needed to work through layers of shame that have built up over years.
An Invitation to Critical Awareness
I invite you to pick one "should" that's been weighing on you lately and ask yourself:
What are the social-community expectations around this?
Who benefits from these expectations?
Am I describing who I want to be or who others want me to be?
You might be surprised by what you discover. And you might find that giving yourself permission to question, to choose differently, or to align with an expectation consciously (rather than out of shame) is incredibly freeing.
Ready to Release Shame and Reclaim Your Authentic Self?
If you're tired of living according to "shoulds" that don't serve you, EMDR therapy can help. As an EMDR therapist in Canal Fulton serving Stark County and Northeast Ohio, I specialize in helping women process shame, heal childhood wounds, and step into their authentic selves.