The Myth of Perfect Parenting: Finding Peace with Good Enough in Canal Fulton, Ohio
The Myth of Perfect Parenting: Finding Peace with Good Enough in Canal Fulton, Ohio
If you're a mom in Canal Fulton, Stark County, or anywhere in Northeast Ohio, chances are you've felt it—the relentless pressure to parent perfectly. You've consumed the content, completed the courses, read all the books, and listened to all the podcasts. And yet, the hard things remain hard. The tantrums still happen. The sleep struggles continue. The picky eating persists.
You're not alone, and you're not failing. Let me share what I've learned about the myth of perfect parenting and why accepting "good enough" might actually be the most healing thing you can do.
Some Stress is Actually Good for Our Kids
In "The Good Mother Myth" by Nancy Reddy, she shares a fascinating rat study that shows some stress is better than no stress for functioning. The study had three different sets of rats: one group that was with a mom coddled 24/7, another that was released for a mild shock, and lastly a group that was handled by the researcher.
When the rats reached maturity, the ones who had been cared for by mom 24/7 had the hardest time functioning—they wouldn't move, crouched and peed. Turned out, a bit of experience with stress and differences helped the rats adjust better in maturity.
This probably makes sense to all of us, right? If one only knows safety, security, and comfort and does not develop skills to handle stress, then one may crumble at the slightest stress. Jonathan Haidt discusses this also in "The Anxious Generation," using the example of trees growing stronger when they encounter the stress of wind, versus trees which grow without the stress of wind.
We Know This... And Yet
On one hand, I think we get this as 2025 parents—that our kids getting frustrated and learning how to deal with it is good, healthy, helpful. We understand it's best for them to learn these skills when they are at home with us so they are equipped when they leave the house.
There also seems to be this narrative of worry over how damaging some current experience of our child's may be in the future. We are more educated about childhood trauma, adverse experiences, and how they connect to adult triggers and stressors. Many of us as parents have our own childhood wounds and trauma, so we are vigilant about trying to protect our kids from similar experiences.
We want to free our kids from some of the burdens we have inherited. Burdens like not being able to ask for help, set boundaries, make peace with food, express sexual desire, share emotions openly, enjoy play, and trust our own goodness. We want our kids to know that we understand they are kids and don't expect them to be mini adults. We hope to help them build a relationship with their inner urges, desires, feelings and learn how to express them in effective ways.
When Our Kids' Stress Triggers Our Own Trauma
Naturally, when we see them experience something stressful, it can be triggering for us as parents. Especially if it feels similar to something we experienced as a child also—peer rejection, loss of someone, a move, not making a team. We may worry they will internalize it as we did, that it will impact them in the same way and they'll have the same difficulties we have had as an adult.
And sometimes, to try and prevent this, we may get caught up in fixing mode—trying to change the situation, dynamics, and feelings about the event. We can get fixated on the circumstance, have ruminated thinking about it, and internalize our child's feelings about it.
Because we know the burden of childhood trauma and wounds, we become a warrior to guard our kids from these experiences. We study and focus on attachment, wanting to give our kids all the security, stability, and confidence we never had.
Beautiful, loving, lovely goal and intentions, right? How could we want anything else for our kids? I think where it gets complicated is how we go about trying to do this for them, how it impacts us, and how we interpret their hardships.
How We Go About Trying to Do This for Them
Researching online for hours, completing all of the courses, listening to all of the podcasts, reading all of the books
Trying to control situations, events, dynamics
Staying hypervigilant about their experiences, feelings, thoughts
How It Impacts Us
We're exhausted and overwhelmed because there is always the next parenting challenge
We're left feeling not good enough because there's no way to control these things
We're afraid of the impact of the world on our kids and aren't sure where to give freedom and where to set limits
How We Interpret Their Hardships
We're afraid an event is going to become a checked box on the "ACE" score
This event could be linked to their sense of self and one day their focus in therapy
They are going to struggle like me, I've screwed them, I didn't do enough to protect them from this situation or narrative
Is This Progress in the Parenting World?
Yes, in the sense that we have more awareness, education, and understanding.
And no, in the sense that we are more anxious, fixated, and feel more pressure to "do it right." While, at the same time, being sold countless programs and resources on how to "crush it, win, fix, tackle, conquer, end, solve…"
And while these programs may provide helpful ideas and tips, they don't "solve" the distress of being a parent, the next parenting challenge around the corner, and often, the sleep, meals, potty, tantrums are similar to before you completed the expert advice.
The Myth of Maternal Instinct
I recently read "The Good Mother Myth" by Nancy Reddy. The author reflects on their early motherhood journey, shares research on the attachment researchers, and thoughts on current parenting advice culture.
In it, she discusses how love does not necessarily come naturally as a parent, nor does "maternal instinct," that becoming a mother may not be at birth and instead in those moments when others around you help you learn how to become a mother.
Here's the line that has stuck with me the most: "This is a throughline from Spock to today's parenting gurus: they're warm and encouraging, but you often feel just a little more on edge after you watch their latest video, a little more unsure of your parenting and, not coincidentally, more likely to open your wallet to pay for more guidance so you can finally do it right."
The Shame of Never Feeling Like Enough
There's this conversation about "maternal instinct" in this book and Dr. Becky's recent podcast episode, about how potentially that narrative creates shame in moms, this sense of "why is this so hard, what's wrong with me, what am I missing." Essentially if this is supposed to all come naturally, why do we feel like we don't know what we are doing most of the time, question ourselves, and have so much doubt about how to best support our kids in whatever the latest parenting challenge may be?
I can relate to the shame of mom life and wondering what am I doing wrong, what am I missing, why is this so hard—but I would say for different reasons than the "maternal instinct" narrative. I would say mine has actually been more connected to: shouldn't this be easier because I have invested a lot of time, energy, and money into the parenting workshops, books, communities, etc.?
I have met with moms in Stark County who have also invested a lot in the parenting world, and I would say the hard remains the same in parenting: potty learning, meals, tantrums, sleep—the hard things remain the hard things. Even with the advice, experts, ideas; we can't control what our kids eat, how they sleep, when, where, and how they meltdown, and I think quietly behind all of the consuming of the parenting content is this hope that we can figure out a way to control these things.
The Questions We're Really Asking
How can I help my kid sleep alone in their room throughout the night?
How can I help my kid try new foods?
How can I help my kid learn to regulate their difficult emotions?
How can I help my kid learn to shit in the potty instead of their underwear?
And my experience has just been, none of these are guarantees, even when we check off all the boxes of what was recommended by the experts.
How Do We Interpret the "Failure"?
So, when this happens—when we did what the experts recommended and our kid still won't sleep alone, lives on pasta, has meltdowns every 5 minutes, and prefers peeing in their underwear—how do we interpret the results?
Do we interpret this as:
I did something wrong in the expert's protocol, let me study it some more
There's something wrong with me
There's something wrong with my kid
This didn't work for my kid, maybe there's another way
And truly, how can we know? Do we then need more expert advice? To spend more money on personalized support?
Did it not work because my kid has a sensory issue I am unaware of? Or my kid is just not ready? Is the expectation I have not realistic? If I stayed with it two more weeks, would that make the difference?
Then we can get back on the research train, consuming more parenting content, the next workshop to find more answers, and this has been my experience in the never-ending cycle of trying to "solve" the next parenting challenge.
My Less Than Ideal Potty Training Story
Being a consumer of information and education, I often am presented with "ideal" practices for parenting, running a business, marriage, health, etc. Sometimes these ideas are presented in a way that leave me confident I have a plan and that it will work. However, if it does not work, what does that mean?
Let's go with potty learning for example. In my research, I learned about helping our kids understand and feel their bodily urges so they could prompt their need for the potty, to avoid rewards, and to help them develop intrinsic motivation to connect their body's feeling to the necessary action. This all made sense to me.
I learned to model myself getting the feeling of needing to use the bathroom and saying that aloud to my kids, even narrating something like, "oh, it's hard to stop playing, I'm having so much fun, I don't want to use the bathroom, this is hard," to show my kids I understand it's difficult to choose the potty over play. Ideas on increasing their comfort and understanding of poop: flushing it down the toilet from diaper, talking about where poop comes from and where it goes after flushed.
The plan was to allow our kid to be naked for the first 1-2 days, then introduce underwear, while helping them connect their body's feelings to needing to use the potty. On our third round of trying this, about 4 days in, our kid still struggled to get to the potty in time once underwear was in the picture.
The Decision
So, I had some options and collaborated with my partner. Do we stop this round and try again in the future? Do we keep trying the current approach? Do we introduce M&M's as a reward? Which was recommended by our previous pediatrician and a friend recently utilized with her kid.
BUT, I knew, this was frowned upon in the parenting communities I respected and admired. Because I could be connecting my kid's "performance" with a reward, illicit a battle over wanting bigger rewards with time, relying on extrinsic rewards over intrinsic motivation, not facilitating knowledge for my kid to connect body urges with action and instead prompting them on my timing, which could create battles and leave them with a negative association with their body, agency, potty, etc.
AND ALSO, I knew, this was our third round. I knew they'd be starting school in a couple of months and needed to be potty trained. I knew we had a trip in 6 weeks. My partner believed our kid had it and just needed time and some outside motivation. So, I went with a way I had not intended to and that felt, less than ideal.
The Outcome
And, you know what, our kid is essentially potty learned at this point.
It taught me about accepting the less than ideal, being open to options that maybe your community may frown upon, taking your situation into context, keeping your capacity in mind, collaborating with your parenting partners, and allowing them to weigh in on the decision.
I don't know what impact adding candy to our kids' potty learning could have long term. I can't speak to that. I can only make choices in the moment that I hope best support my family and our wellbeing.
There Are No Guarantees
There are no guarantees, magic tricks, one-size-fits-all solutions. Sometimes parenting ideas are sold to us this way, especially with potty training resources.
I've experienced this in other realms of life too: business, education, leading groups. There is a lot of advice out there and we can do all the things and still not get the results we desire. I don't know if I trust promised results.
Therapy can't promise results. Coaches can't promise results. Teachers can't promise results. Doctors can't promise results.
I've bought into and hoped for many solutions out there: crystals, 30-day somatic healing, reiki, journaling, walking, meditating, yoga, therapy, diet changes, volunteering, parenting communities, business building resources, all the books that have titles with promises to solve something.
And many are helpful, some not so much—but no one thing is THE solution. I don't believe there is A solution out there. We're still human. Our kids are human. Our careers have factors out of our control. We all have varying capacities in different seasons of life.
Accepting Less Than Ideal
So, sometimes, we accept the less than ideal. And, that's okay. In fact, it might give us more peace, instead of clawing our way towards what we think is "ideal."
Is there an area you are chasing "ideal" and maybe accepting less than ideal could free up your energy a bit more?
Many people who are selling something are selling the "ideal," and it just may not be your ideal, or a reality for your context, or anyone's for that matter.
I know parenting has not come naturally for me, that it does not feel like "maternal instinct." I have learned a lot about kids' development which has been beneficial in my connection to my kids and on focusing on my job and what I can control, but at the end of the day, when you want to help your kid learn how to use the potty, you want to help your kid learn how to use the potty. And when the results don't come—if it has been presented in a way that makes it "clear, easy, simple" and it doesn't end up being that way—what does that mean?
I don't have answers, advice, recommendations; just observations on what it's been like to parent in 2025.
How EMDR Therapy Helps with Parenting Anxiety and Mom Guilt
If you're reading this and feeling seen, you're not alone. Many moms I work with in Canal Fulton and throughout Northeast Ohio struggle with:
Intense anxiety about making the "wrong" parenting choice
Overwhelming guilt when things don't go according to the expert plan
Triggers from their own childhood that get activated by their kids' struggles
Perfectionism and people-pleasing patterns that make it impossible to accept "good enough"
Feeling like they're failing despite doing everything "right"
EMDR therapy can help you process the childhood trauma and wounds that fuel your parenting anxiety. When we heal the root causes of your perfectionism, hypervigilance, and fear, you can:
Feel more confident in your parenting decisions
Release the grip of "should" and embrace what actually works for your family
Manage triggers more effectively when your kids struggle
Find peace with "good enough" instead of chasing impossible ideals
Trust yourself and your kids more
Many moms find that EMDR intensives are particularly helpful for processing the layers of mom guilt and parenting pressure they carry.
You're Doing Better Than You Think
Hugs to you mamas, it's hard and I get it.
Your kids don't need perfect. They need you—present, doing your best, willing to admit when things don't go as planned, and brave enough to choose what works for your family even when it's "less than ideal."
Schedule a free consultation to learn how EMDR therapy in Canal Fulton can help you find more peace in your parenting journey.