How to Stop People Pleasing: A Therapist's Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries
How to Stop People Pleasing: A Therapist's Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries
What Is People Pleasing and Why Do We Do It?
Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?
"I don't want to make them upset"
"I can't handle someone disagreeing with me"
"I try to avoid creating tension in the home"
"I don't want to lose them"
If so, you might be struggling with people pleasing behaviors.
Therapist KC Davis shares a powerful insight in her book "Who Deserves Your Love." When discussing her own people pleasing tendencies with a supervisor, she heard this truth: "Look around honey, ain't nobody pleased."
Does People Pleasing Actually Please Anyone?
Here's the reality: when you're trying to keep everyone happy, the result is often that no one is truly happy — especially not yourself.
You might wonder: Does the person you're pleasing really want a relationship where you can't express yourself honestly? And how does constantly suppressing your needs make you feel about the relationship?
Why People Pleasing Disconnects You From Your True Self
People Pleasing Silences Your Inner Wisdom
We all have inner wisdom — some call it intuition, your inner knowing, or that "still small voice." This part of you offers guidance that isn't concerned with what others think.
Psychiatrist Carl Jung stated: "The experience of the Self is always a defeat for the ego."
When you people please, you:
Quiet your authentic Self
Follow your ego's path of managing others' impressions
Feel disconnected from yourself and others
A Real-Life Example of People Pleasing vs. Authentic Action
I once forgot to complete an expected task at my office building. My ego immediately went into overdrive:
"What if they find out? What will I say? What will they think? How will I explain it?"
Another part of me tried to rationalize: "It's not a big deal. Everyone makes mistakes. You don't have to defend yourself."
But I still didn't feel settled.
When I considered texting my landlord about the mistake, my ego shut it down: "You don't have to do that — that's just you being too concerned with what others think."
But when I sat with my inner knowing, I felt prompted to reach out. And I did. That choice felt right — not because I was managing someone's impression of me, but because I was moving toward authentic connection, deeper trust, and honest communication.
Important Context: When to Share Less vs. When to Share More
Sometimes protecting yourself means sharing minimally with certain people — like a family member who can't accept your partner, sexuality, or career path.
But in relationships where you want to build trust and intimacy, honest sharing is essential, even when it feels risky.
How to Stop People Pleasing: 5 Practical Strategies
1. Name the Pattern Outside the Moment
Talk to your friend or partner about what you've noticed. You might say:
"I've realized I have a tendency to people please, and I think it sometimes impacts our relationship. I want to work on being more honest with you so we can have an even closer connection."
If you're aware of contributing factors (childhood patterns, past experiences), sharing this context can help them understand it's not about them specifically.
2. Address YOUR Discomfort With Their Discomfort
Here's a truth bomb: People pleasing isn't really about not wanting to upset others — it's about avoiding your own discomfort.
The reason you don't want to upset them is because their reaction makes you uncomfortable, and you're not sure how to tolerate that feeling.
Learning to hold space for someone else's disappointment while staying true to yourself is a skill you can develop.
Why This Is Hard (Especially for Women)
Many women, particularly those who grew up in rigid religious environments, were conditioned to "submit" and "not make waves." The automatic response becomes: agree, stay quiet, "let it go."
But let's be honest — that stuff isn't "let go." It festers, creating resentment and judgment.
Therapy Approaches That Help
EMDR and IFS (Internal Family Systems): Help you understand root causes and manage discomfort
DBT interpersonal effectiveness and distress tolerance skills: Provide practical tools for sharing effectively and managing anxiety
3. Start Small (Or Go Big — Both Work!)
The Gradual Approach:
Think of it like exposure therapy. Start with lower-stakes situations that raise your anxiety to about 5/10 (not 9/10):
Share where you'd actually like to eat when asked
Kindly ask the barista to remake your drink correctly
Take the time you need to parallel park even with someone behind you
Use coping skills before, during, and after. Celebrate each win!
The Big Leap Approach:
Sometimes people have a big inner knowing — like leaving a job, partner, or city. When they take that leap, their relationship with their inner voice explodes with clarity. It's like that big step unlocks something inside that diminishes people pleasing behavior.
4. Practice in Therapy
Therapy is an excellent safe space to practice assertiveness. This might look like:
Asking your therapist to adjust the office lighting
Saying no to an intervention they suggest
Sharing that you disagree with something they said
Expressing disappointment if they forgot something
As your body feels safe, the therapeutic relationship becomes a practice ground for expressing yourself.
5. Remember: Being Authentic ≠ Being an Asshole
Stopping people pleasing is NOT permission to be rude.
We're interdependent beings. Making space to disagree and share your thoughts is vital — but HOW you do it matters equally.
As researcher Brené Brown says: "Clear is kind."
You can be direct, clear, and honest while maintaining compassion. Avoid conscious or unconscious guilt or shame tactics.
And if you do come across harshly? You can always repair the conversation later.
The Good News: People Pleasing Can Be Unlearned
People Pleasing Is Learned Behavior
Babies cry whenever they have a need with zero concern for how it affects their caregivers, right?
People pleasing is a protective part of you — a "good part" operating from an outdated script. It may be running on the perspective of younger you, who had to please caregivers to survive. Any threat to attachment meant danger.
You Can Shift This Pattern
Since people pleasing is learned, it can be unlearned.
This part of you won't disappear entirely (we're social beings who are naturally aware of our impact on others), but its role can shift. It can become a helpful voice that encourages authentic expression and guides you toward deeper relationships through honesty.
Ready to Stop People Pleasing and Build Authentic Relationships?
If you're ready to explore shifting your people pleasing patterns, I offer therapy services in Canal Fulton, Canton, and Massillon, Ohio.
Schedule a free consultation to discuss how we can work together on:
Setting healthy boundaries
Developing assertiveness skills
Building authentic relationships
Connecting with your inner wisdom
Managing the discomfort that comes with honest expression
Location: Canal Fulton, Ohio | Serving Canton and Massillon areas
Services: Individual therapy for women, EMDR therapy, IFS therapy, DBT skills training
Frequently Asked Questions About People Pleasing
Q: How do I know if I'm a people pleaser? Common signs include difficulty saying no, constantly worrying about what others think, avoiding conflict at all costs, and feeling resentful in relationships.
Q: Can people pleasing harm relationships? Yes. While it seems like pleasing others would improve relationships, it actually creates distance, resentment, and prevents authentic connection.
Q: What causes people pleasing behavior? People pleasing often develops in childhood as a survival strategy when approval from caregivers felt essential for safety and attachment.
Q: How long does it take to stop people pleasing? Everyone's journey is different. With consistent practice and possibly therapy support, you can begin seeing changes in weeks to months.